To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

I wouldn't do what your dh is suggesting but as pp said would be extremely vocal against following the gf.
Nearly every couple I knew that started uni as a couple were broken up by the end of the first year.
As condescending as it sounds, if they do make it through they will be glad to have had some time to find out who they are and want to be on their own.

ApplePaltrow
Adults live with the consequences of their actions.

Including a rift with their children?

Your DH being controlling and demanding is not the way to get your DS to change his mind all it will do is force him away.

Ugh, tough one. Oxbridge confers SO MANY advantages in terms of career chances - it's grossly unfair but true. It's not about teaching quality (though that is mostly better at Oxbridge) and attention from tutors (again much better than other places) and the wealth and resources of the colleges themselves (meaning travel scholarships, book bursaries, cash prizes/discounted rent for academic achievement etc) - but you get access to a network, have an automatic unfair advantage in applications for jobs and in networking in a lot of fields, and also a sense of "you can do anything" that increases the older you get, because so many of your peers go into public life and you start seeing them on tv etc. I don't blame your DH for strong-arming your DS. I think he's right to threaten extremes actually (don't agree that he should actually follow through).

I was going to suggest that perhaps you could encourage him to defer for a year rather than just reject Cambridge outright, but am not sure that would work given what you've said about the girlfriend, who tbh sounds like a complete liability.

FWIW I started making my uni choices with my 'first love' in mind. I made all the wrong choices, which massively limited my options and ended up on a more local course which was totally wrong for me and I dropped out after a couple of months.

Meanwhile 'first love' and I were over long before we even took our A-levels.

I never did make it to uni and at 40 it's still one of my biggest regrets. I really hope he comes to his senses before it's too late.

Maybe it's your ds who is more the home bird or the 'lump' as Lea so nicely put it.

My suggestion is a gap year and work experience. They both sound immature. You never know what will happen in a year. Make sure he uses contraceptives though. Just saying.

When does he have to decide?

Nightmare. My HD would have exactly the same reaction as yours, and actually has really influenced ds' uni choices, he wanted to go the easy route, but dh financially incentivised him to stay on his pure maths course rather than change to an easier one. He's now in second year and doing really well. I have to say I'd maybe speak to the girlfriend- but what to say? What does she do? Is she at uni or anything?

Well, if you and DH are going to be bankrolling your DS whilst at university, I can understand your DH's viewpoint. Surely your son should, too?

Why did he apply to Cambridge if he intended to stay closer to home? Did the application come before the girlfriend? If so, they can't have been an item for that long?

Surely, if he uses his head and goes to Cambridge, he and his girlfriend can skype, email each other and even visit each other at times? LDR can work, and in a way, time apart in this way really tests their affection for each other and commitment to each other?

Maybe if you put it that way, he'll see sense?

Otherwise, you could always tell him, as an adult, he can pay his own way through university... Then he has absolute freedom as to where he goes.

What is the subject, btw?

It's a really bad idea to try and live vicariously through your children.
He doesn't want to go to Cambridge.
Deal with it.

Financial support after the age of 18 is not unconditional. I would give my kids £100 to spend on clothes but not drugs, I'd pay for a trip but not alcohol, I'd pay the deposit on a flat but not if it were in joint names with people I didn't trust. So support Cambridge but not local place. No acrimony - just facts.

However a mix of persuasion and "reasonable consequences" will probably work best.

If he decides for the girlfriend there will be consequences, (opportunity, resentment, earning potential ??) - he might as well start realizing that early.

(My DBro by the way was in a very similar position 30 years ago. He went for the university place but it was a close call. The fallout was horrible. It only took five years or so when he was doing his PhD, working abroad, becoming a leader in his field and ex- was, (and still is), living in the same town clinging to someone else - that he realized his lucky escape.

I think your son has to make his own decisions in life.
Tell your dh to trust the values and good sense you have both taught him and have faith in him making the right decision.
All you can do is support him in whatever choices he makes from now on, even if it isn't the choice that you or dh would have made.
Your son is his own person and let dh risk losing him if that's what he wants.
Just make sure your son knows you'll always be there to support him, and you'll have a great relationship with him as an adult.

The op hasn't said her son doesn't want to go to Cambridge. He just doesn't want to leave his girlfriend who won't leave her mum. If they lived in cambridge it wouldn't be a problem!

Op, I agree the suggestions to see if he can defer his place and have s gap year living with in domestic bliss(!) and earning some money. At least it might open his eyes to the reality of what he would be giving up, especially if he can arrange to stay in his college s couple of times to see that it might just be more fun...

Your DS may be being short sighted. But really, threats of never speaking to his son if he doesn't go to Cambridge make me think your DH is an arse.

If he doesn't want to leave his gf then, obv, he doesn't want to go to Cambridge!
I agree that deferring would be the best option is its at all possible.
But holding your son to ransom won't work.

I think your DH is just frustrated and is really upset, as I would be - definitely. But you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink (and all that) Really hope your son sees sense and goes to Cambridge. It's something that could affect him positively all of his life and if ever there was a time the kids need all the help they can get, it's now.

I met my boyfriend when I was 16. I stupidly based my university choice on him. It wasn't a terrible university but I probably would have enjoyed another university more. When I started to meet more people I realised we weren't really suited. We limped along until the end of university when we split up. If I'd gone to another university we'd have probably split up sooner. I wouldn't base my university choice on a gf/bf again but I thought he was the love of my life but part of me wonders if we'd have lasted as long as we did had I gone to another university. For me life at the uni I was at wasn't as good as it could have been.

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if it's been said but could you turn it around and say to him if the shoe was on the other foot would you really try and hold back your GF from going to Cambridge? Who would do that? As his GF she should be pushing for him to go.

Your DH's approach could backfire spectacularly. I think the GF needs to realise the future opportunities he could be missing out on. I'd be embarrassed and feel selfish if I was her and to me it signifies she's too mature to have his best interests at heart.

Regardless of the ins and outs your DHs way of dealing with it is to push him into the arms of the girlfriend and not go to Cambridge! Is he normally so blinkered?

immature - not mature!

Oh dear, very difficult. She'll be pregnant next if he doesn't watch out & then he'll be stuffed, big time. Condoms are the way forward here, even if she is "on the pill"

The girlfriend is being incredibly selfish. She should be encouraging your ds to accept this very wonderful offer to Cambridge. Just because she wants to stay put, that means he can't go to Cambridge which also specializes in his interest? That is absolutely bonkers. And she doesn't even have a good reason.

She can either stay put and twiddle her thumbs while he is at Cambridge and if they're that in love, then the love will still be there when she can get off her behind and join him. The other option is for her to move closer to Cambridge, go to college somewhere near there (I am in US, I have no idea what her options for uni are) and be fully supportive of him which is what she should be doing.

This doesn't bode well for their relationship in the future, in my opinion. This should be a no brainer for your ds.

How many young people (and middle aged people) have thrown their lives away on a controlling, going-nowhere relationship? Too many. I'm not saying this is that kind but she sounds extremely self centered.

He has a wonderful opportunity and she should be supportive and excited for him.

Does he really know what he would be giving up? Cambridge is a good university and the town is beautiful but I think part of the reason I wanted to go so much was knowing so many people (including my dad, aunt and grandad) who had such an amazing time there. Does your ds know people there or who were there? I think the most helpful thing you could do is help him (or maybe get his school to help him) speak to people who've loved it or as pp have said, fund a weekend trip there. I wonder how much of his current thinking is based on known gf vs unknown uni.

The number of people who stay together after meeting at school is minute. Surely your DS must realise this? There's a big world out there. Delay university by all means for a year but don't give up that place. I think if you keep talking to him without the threats he'll see the sense. To be honest I might even play dirty and mention to her how proud you are he's been offered a place. She needs to realise she should be supporting him to go. It's one thing thinking he doesn't want to go there but another to decide not to go as it's leaving his GF.

I'll say this, I understand why your dh is so upset. I think ds should listen to his parents who truly love him. Gf wants to hold him back, she is selfish, that's not love!