To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

Tell your ds he will have to finance his course and living expenses himself. That would sort it.

It wouldn't, you know. Plenty of students do exactly that, so it's not exactly impossible, and I suspect OP's ds might regard it as all the more romantic to sacrifice everything for lurve.

I live near Cambridge and DH went to Cambridge - frankly there is nothing like it in terms of the advantages it offers. It is completely different to the Russell Group university I went to. I can see your DH's point although his approach is completely counter productive.

GF is unlikely to be the love of your DS's life. Can you engage him on what he really wants out of life ie is it hanging around GF's mum for the rest of his life?

GF I'm afraid is likely to be a bit of a millstone for him as soon as he goes to university (any university) and finds he has very little in common with her anymore, doesn't want to keep going round her mum's for dinner and wishes he'd gone to Cambridge and had better career prospects.

Cambridge didn't used to allow students to have part time jobs during term time, though that may well have changed?

He may as well go to Cambridge as Pound to a penny their relationship won't last the first term anyway.

To all those who say the DH is being an arsehole, he is clearly not handling it well, but it is up to him what he spends his money on and if he is happy to shell out for Cambridge but not somewhere else that is his call.

So the girlfriend isn't going to university and wants to stay near her mother? If I was that mother I'd be getting my daughter to use whatever influence she has to get him to go.

DS may be making a mistake. But that doesn't mean it's OK for DH to try to force his hand with threats and sulking, that's appalling. It's also stupid because it will just make DS lose respect for him.

There are plenty of reasons why Cambridge is not best for everyone, even if they did get in. Let DS make his choice, and if he regrets it, he regrets it, but he could equally regret going to Cambridge. It's not cast in stone that if he went to Cambridge, it would be fab and he'd love it. At least if he made his own choice, he won't blame his dad if he's not happy there.

I went to Oxbridge and it was not right for me. In retrospect I should have gone somewhere a bit more interesting and modern. You know what, in retrospect I actually did the wrong degree – thanks to pressure from my mum – and could have had a completely different career. OTOH I've made the best of it and have a great job that I love. You can't ever cover all bases with one decision.

This sounds like a terrible decision by your DS.

But if you are going to say he is an adult and therefore free to make that decision, he can also be an adult and pay his own way.

Definitely U to threaten not to speak to him (though that might be preferable to exploding at him).

But try stressing to your DS that the terms are only 8 weeks long, and that if their relationship is solid, they will cope. Also the better the degree he gets (in terms of reputation, not just content) the better the chances of a higher paying career, and a nicer life for the pair of them.

Is it really not possible offer him to cover costs for them to keep in touch, it may be a delaying tactic but one that may work in the long term.

Once in Cambridge, he will have new friends, new goals and new interests, which hopefully help him to decide to stay there.

Can you go middle ground and say that you will support his decision to study somewhere neare if he does at least one year in Cambridge?

And yes, he is 18 but while he remains financially dependant on you it is only fair that you have a say on this. He wants to take all the decisions, you will need to respect that but there is no need to pay for hus expenses (I'm afraid that he will learn soon enough that the student and maintenance loans are not going to be enough to cover his needs).

I wouldn't go as far as your husband, but if despite the mighty effort and expense I have put in to ensuring he does his best at school, he decided to turn down a place in a highly regarded university to stay near to a girlfriend, who has no intention to study, I would probably won't be able to talk to him for a few months.

I agree with previous posters that he'd be very foolish to pass up this opportunity. But that's the reality of your child being an adult, isn't it? They get to make their own mistakes. Even when it's obvious to someone with more life experience that it's likely they'll regret the decision.

You can't compel him to do anything and I think even financial threats such as not funding him if he doesn't go to Cambridge are a bad idea. While you might be within your rights to decide what if any help you want to provide to an adult child, what will it do to your relationship with your son if you show him you're prepared to use bribery and frankly manipulation to get your own way? I think your son would be more likely to take a stand by saying "I don't need you or your money!" and flounce off to live with his girlfriend.

Helping his girlfriend to move to Cambridge with him/him taking a year out to think about it could both be good ideas.

Ultimately I suppose this is part of the painful transition to a parent/adult child relationship from a parent/child child relationship for you all. You and your DH can no longer control DS's choices and actions. Even when they're bad choices.

Life lessons can't be taught by someone else.

DH are having a day out together tomorrow and will talk things through. Ds is at gf's until Sunday and we will discuss everything with him then.
I'll update on Sunday evening.
Thanks for all the comments

My ex and I stayed together for years at uni at opposite ends of the country. Going to Cambridge opens so many doors. In your place I would be desperate too, but your DH's tactics won't work - most teens would just get more entrenched in their position as a result. Could you negotiate with your DS to start at Cambridge and give it a year, transferring to the local uni for later years if he still feels it's the right choice?

'Give it a year' might be a possible approach...

My DD was in the same position, although her boyfriend was the opposite of your sons GF . He encouraged her and they both travelled the length of the country regularly to see each other. When uni was finished she moved south were he encouraged and helped, along with us, to support her through a masters at Cambridge.
They are now married with a family.
If your sons GF really cared she would be supporting him in his studies.

I would be with your husband on this tbh. It's a lot of money to fork out and Oxbridge is still a powerful name, no matter what profession you go into. If your son just didn't want to go to Cambridge that's fair enough but to stay with an 18 year old who never wants to leave her hometown, I wouldn't be happy with that either.

He will find that whatever uni he goes to, he will probably leave his gf behind, mostly because his horizons will broaden. So he might as well leave her for a good uni, rather than an indifferent one.

DH and I are having the day out, I meant.
Sorry

So, does this gf plan on holding him back all of his life? What happens if he did go to Cambridge, but stayed with gf, got offered a great job then has to turn it down because gf doesn't want to be away from mummy?
He could end up hating his course wherever he goes, that's always a gamble.
Has he looked into the details of the courses at each uni, the actual modules he'll be studying? He really should be basing his choices on that, as it is better to do a degree that is relevant & that he'll enjoy rather than doing one he'll do less well at just because its a posh over rated uni. There is good chance that the Cambridge modules will suit him better.
If he's smart enough to get offered a place there, you'd hope he'd be smart enough to make the choice that's best for his long term career.
Best of luck, OP!

You've said that he wants to go to a university that is nowhere near as good - solely to be near his GF. He is making a gigantic mistake. However, your dh is pretty thick if he thinks not speaking to him is going to solve the problem . And making financial threats is just as useless.

Instead, he should try and reason with ds.

Eg:

-graduate job situation is dire. You need things on your CV that really sparkle. Cambridge does.

-The relationship is has probably about a 98% chance of not ending in marriage/lifetime commitment given that they are 17/18. Even if they do marry, the potential for him to harbour resentment over this decision (once he realises, too late) is huge. And possibly marriage breaking, see the irony!

-It's a one time opportunity - once it's lost, it's permanent.

-Cambridge will open doors that this other university likely won't.

I guess another student will really appreciate the opportunity to take up your ds's place!

You're not going to get anywhere by threatening him.

I realise that's your DH rather than you, but you can't threaten your kids and expect a good outcome. Even if he does as your DH wishes now, it's storing up a world of resentment for the future.

Blackmailing your child is just wrong, no matter how good the intention behind it. Sooner or later it will drive a wedge between them that will never be made right.

I can see why your DH feels this way. I'd want DS to make the best of his opportunities too, but you can't force him, and especially you can't blackmail or bully him. The worst outcome of that will be him going to the local uni and moving in with his girlfriend and her mum to get away from you. And possibly still splitting up with her down the line but with the damage to your relationship with him already done.

The best thing I can think of for your DH to do now is apologise. Speak to your DS as an adult and explain that he has a chance and an opportunity that not many people will ever have.

Explain that DH reacted badly out of worry and concern, remember that's not an excuse, and explain why you feel that Cambridge is the better choice.

Reassure your son you will support him whatever he decides and tell him you want him to go on in his life with no regrets, and that regardless of what happens in the future with his girlfriend, not choosing Cambridge may be a regret.

Tell him if he choses Cambridge that a long distance relationship is possible, offer to drive his girlfriend to visit him there as often as she likes if that's what it takes to convince him to go.

Remind him that it's an opportunity for her as much as for him, and that many couples make sacrifices in the short term because they know it will benefit them both in the long term.

DH and I do it, we live apart in the week because it meant we could buy our own home. It's not ideal, but it's right for us and we make it work. We're closer because of it and it's an opportunity we wouldn't have had if we didn't make the sacrifice of living apart for a while. It's not forever.

If they stay together then that's fine, you will still have been supportive of their relationship, if they don't, at least he may be at Cambridge when it happens.

But the only way you will convince him to go and not ruin your relationship with him is to make the choice easier for him. You won't do it with anger and blackmail. And if it's based around his girlfriend, promise to do everything you can to make sure they see as much of each other as possible.

And if he still choses to stay put, you're going to have to accept it, even if he comes to regret it. And be supportive if that day comes. You don't have any other choice really.

I think some people are missing the point.

The HUGE mistake is him not going to Cambridge because of a needy, clingy girlfriend at the age of eighteen. It's not about whether Cambridge is actually worth its elite reputation. He's making a choice for a very foolish reason.

I am with your husband though, like you, would not want him expressing it angrily and pushing son away.

Good luck with your talk.

I don't think that he will quite comprehend the cost involved of uni. A budgetary lesson is needed. Plus if he lived with his gf where will the rent payment come from? Council tax contributions? Does he understand all this?

DH has pointed out if GF had half a brain and was confident their love would last she'd be encouraging him to go to Cambridge and maximize his earning potential for the rest of their relationship, bearing in mind she isn't going to university and may want to be SAHM.

Instead she almost certainly knows the writing is on the wall and her only chance of hanging on to him is to keep him as close by her as possible.

Not the greatest sign of true love really.

My brother turned down Cambridge in favour of Liverpool - he just felt that he wouldn't fit in at Cambridge (plus is a massive Liverpool FC supporter!). There's no denying that Oxford or Cambridge instantly opens a lot of doors.

Life choices based on teen romances are never a good idea though - my mother wanted me to go to a local uni so I could stay at home, and I didn't fight it as my then boyfriend was going to a local uni. I ended up on a terrible degree course with poor tutors - I still got my degree, but didn't feel particularly enriched or educated by the experience. My boyfriend kept chopping and changing, and I delayed trying to get into my career whilst he figured out what he wanted to do when he grew up.

He ended up ditching me for another girl after five years. I was heartbroken at the time, but after a few months I picked myself up, got into my career and have been having a whale of a time since. I do often wonder how my uni years (and self-esteem) would have been if I'd spread my wings earlier.

He won't need as much financial support if he goes to home uni as he can stay at home.

I don't support your dh 'blanking' him, but I wouldn't be paying money for someone else's life choices I didn't support.

He is 18 but while he remains financially dependent on you it is only fair that you have a say in this.

I have to disagree. My parents gave me some money towards a house deposit. That didn't give them the right to dictate where or what I bought. I think most parents these days would plan to/expect to fund their children through university. We certainly do, and our parents did the same for us. to withdraw that support due to the DH's fixation with Cambridge seems extremely harsh to me. Blackmail isn't nice, is it?

OP - just how bad is the other university? Where is his proposed course placed in terms of employment rates and so on? It's hard to tell just how bad it is by comparison without knowing where, which in turn will affect the opinions you're going to garner here.

Your DS may well be making a mistake. I can see why your dh is upset/disappointed etc.
However, I didn't go to university. My dad has never forgiven me and kindly told most of his friends how I was a disappointment to him/them. It took my mum about 10 years to tell me that she understood why I didn't go, and they were wrong to treat me how they did. My dad, however, has never taken any interest in my careers/jobs (but he has with my sister, who was never contemplating going to Uni).
Not trying to give you a sob story, but it would be awful if your dh went through the next however many years harbouring a similar disappointment to my dad...