To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

[skyeskyeskye]

The girlfriend is obviously scared of losing him, but she is holding him back. and as somebody else said, if she will never move away, then will he be able to do the job he wants in your area? I live in a very rural area and lots of people move away in order to pursue the career of their dreams.

Your H IBU to not speak to your DS, as your DS needs to make his own decision, but I think you do need to have a serious chat with him about the long term implications and the relationship etc. A non heated discussion.

[Corygal1]

Dh is right but his tactics are wrong. Use more carrot than stick - agree with PP re financing visits home to gf. Delicately hint at thousands of lovely ladeez waiting for him at Cambridge.

Do you like gf?

[caitlinohara]

I totally understand how you feel. I turned down Oxford for similar reasons. Do I wish I had made a different decision? Yes, sometimes, in that I could have been more successful in my career. But there again if I hadn't gone to a different university I wouldn't have been living in the city where I met dh, and I am very happy with how my life has turned out! If my parents had tried to talk me into going to Oxford I don't think I would have listened to them anyway. It sounds like your ds is in a somewhat stifling relationship and he will likely see it that way in his own time, but you need to approach this with extreme caution and tact or you will damage your relationship with him.

Also - the people I know who went to Oxford or Cambridge were totally single minded about it, ambitious and really wanted to be there. If he is willing to put a relationship ahead of his studies at this stage, he probably wouldn't succeed there anyway.

[Peevedquitter]

It's fine to turn down an Oxbridge offer but not for love.

If she never wants move away from her home town that is also an issue if your DS career choices mean moving about.

I wouldn't make any threats to my DS and would be of the its your bed and you lie in it and if it's with clingy GF fine but if it fucks up then dont come crying to me.

[NotdeadyetBOING]

Maybe get your DS to listen to recent weeks of The Archers in which Phoebe was threatening not to go to Oxford because of a boyfriend who didn't want her to go. Needless to say her parents were having kittens and she saw the light in the end when it was pointed out to her that, if the boyfriend really loved her, he would want the best for her.

Is your DS's girlfriend anti him going to Cambridge?

Maybe try pointing out to your DH that the more he digs his heels in and makes threats, the more he is likely to exacerbate the situation and find DS refuses to budge (human nature).

I feel for you…...

[DadDadDad]

Is a better tactic to get someone outside the family to talk to your son? eg ....

is there a teacher he respects (who will gently say "you're mad to pass off this opportunity),...

or an ex-schoolfriend who is studying at Oxbridge (or recently graduated) who will be realistic about what it's like,...

or someone in an industry he is interested in working in, who might suggest that Cambridge on the CV does help get a job interview (even if it's not the be-all and end-all)?

And to answer your question, I can understand your DH being upset (I studied at Cambridge and for an able student it would be a massive shame to miss this opportunity), but as others have said he should not be making threats like this.

[Cel982]

I don't think it's a good idea to blackmail him into going to the university of your choice by threatening to withhold money.

I mean, I can absolutely understand your disappointment, and I do agree that he's being short-sighted. But falling out with him over it is not going to help. I would talk about it as much as you can, work out how often he and GF would be able to meet up if he went to Cambridge (rather than telling him that their relationship is unlikely to survive, which will not go down well), and maybe offer some practical help to achieve this. But then I would tell him that you will support him whatever his choice. Yes, Cambridge is a great university, and offers lots of advantages, but it's not the case that there are only two avenues open to him (Cambridge - fantastic job - lots o'cash, big house and trophy wife or lesser university - unemployment - depression and homelessness). Their are lots of routes through life, opportunities to move institution at postgrad level, etc. If he's bright, which he clearly is, he'll be fine.

(And the sneery comments here (not from you, OP) about being 'shackled' to a girl who doesn't aspire to higher education are a bit nasty, to be honest.)

[whoreandpeace]

My DD has just gone to Bristol and I'm amazed at how much time she has back at home: one month at Xmas, 3 weeks at Easter and 3 months in the summer. That's only 7 months in the year at uni. Cambridge terms are even shorter than Bristol, so he will probably be at home more than he is at uni.

Suggest to him that you will pay for one return visit home per term and pay for GF to take one visit to him per term and what with facetime and whatsapp they will be able to speak and chat every day which is what my daughter does with her besotted BF at another uni.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Your dh shouldn't do that but I can't say I blame him much - it would drive me mad to see my son give up an opportunity like that at the age of 18.

I think anything you and dh say to your son may end up polarising you- driving him further into his corner.

Is there anyone he likes and respects who could talk to him about the decision? In this case we would wheel out my BIL who the kids love and who is seen as cool and smart at the same time by them. Anyone like that who could approach your son?

[Seriouslyffs]

I would love to see Mumsnet explode in a parallel universe where Cambridge bound dd stays at home for not going anywhere bf!

[Throwingshade]

Whoreandpeace (great name!)

People aren't criticising the gf for not going to uni, we are criticising her for holding him back. If you love someone you want the best for them and 18 is not too young to understand and act on that.

[oneowlgirl]

I don't agree with your DH stopping talking to him, but I do think he's right to refuse to support him financially as anything he can do to try to get through to him has to be worth it.

If he truly didn't want to go to Cambridge then that would be a different story, but to make the decision based on his girlfriend will surely be a life long regret.

Good luck Op.

[stayathomegardener]

Bribery would be my prefered method.
Yes DS of course GF is love of your life, you must both go and look at Cambridge together to come to a sensible decision, we will of course pay for nice accomadation and meals out for the weekend and then obviously facilitate GF staying weekends if you choose to go there.
Alternatively could he defer for a year and get a job local to GF in the hope it dosn't last.

[AyeAmarok]

I agree to try the "we'll pay for her to visit you" tactic.

How very frustrating for you and your DH.

[Lancelottie]

One of my (Oxbridge) friends is still with the boyfriend that she had at 17 before university.

She wept for half the first term about how she should have stayed with him. Then they split up for two years and had other relationships. Then they got back together, and the marriage has lasted for quite a few decades.

She says that without moving away and trying out other relationships she would never have known that committing to her childhood boyfriend was right for her.

Try that on him?

Oh, and she would probably not have had the high-flying career and money for the nanny either. Minor details at 18 but not so minor later.

[SevenOfNineTrue]

I knew a girl who went to uni, met a guy in a higher year and fell 'in love'. When he left uni, she followed him and they were together a few years but he dumped her and she never got her degree. Last time I heard she was working for low wages in a library.

Your ds is thinking with his willy, not his brain. Cambridge is to good to pass up. If his gf really loved him, she'd tell him this too.

[Wolpertinger]

There is nothing wrong with the GF not going to uni. There is something wrong with her holding back her BF who is 18 and limiting him to living in one town for the rest of his life when she isn't able to make similar sacrifices for him.

Realistically this is a couple that will struggle if one is highly academic but unable to express and share those interests with his life partner whose interests are limited to the comings and goings of one small town.

In contrast DH and I lived apart for 3 years while newly married for us to pursue our very niche careers but couldn't imagine being with other people.

[ApplePaltrow]

I wouldn't not speak to him but I wouldn't be paying. Adults live with the consequences of their actions.

Also, this isn't the 1970s. The job market is horrific and university now costs 30000 pounds. Anyone turning down Cambridge in this economy without a good reason is an idiot.

[Catphrase]

If she truly cared about their future she would see the extra opportunities Cambridge offers them as a couple.
She should be encouraging him not shitting herself he'll run off. Of course it's harder long distance, but if it's meant to be they will make it work it is only three or four years after all.

Your dh's attitude will have him dropping out and moving into her mums. It won't work, it will push them closer. Be seen to support the long term idea of the relationship.
"You can stay here weekends"
"We will pay for coaches / trains/tank of fuel"
"Imagine the job you can get to support you both in the future"

Honestly, it's the only way. It may last, I've a friend who supported her husband through Oxford despite his parents reservation. 20 years later and four kids it worked. They've an amazing life as a result of his Oxford degree. She could be your future daughter in law so don't run her down too much

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Maybe get your DS to listen to recent weeks of The Archers

Haha don't do that

I would love to see Mumsnet explode in a parallel universe where Cambridge bound dd stays at home for not going anywhere bf

Why would that make mumsnet explode any more/less than this scenario?

[Yseulte]

I think it would be more valuable for both you and and DH to keep explaining repeatedly, patiently why it's such a massive mistake, than for DH to try to blackmail him into it.

But if DS even contemplating this then perhaps Cambridge wouldn't suit him anyway.

The gf excuse may be his way of expressing that he's intimidated or apprehensive.

Oxbridge certainly doesn't suit everyone.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

I would be so upset if this happened with one of my children.

[Headofthehive55]

I think it's the sons decision. Sometimes you mention one reason, but it's not the only one. I want my children to be happy. I feel sometimes parents want to see their children take on high flying careers, move and live in different places. I'm not sure these actually bring happiness in themselves, so I'm not sure why I'd wish my children to have them unless they really wanted it.

As for not wanting to leave that town, well, lived in many different places, some better than others, but really regret living away from my parents.

My mil was unhappy at the fact that I flatly refused to contemplate us moving abroad for dh's career. the fact was he didn't wish to have that ex pat life, seemed to be irrelevant.

I think the problem is when parents want something different for their children than what they do themselves.

[BoffinMum]

He can ring Cambridge and say that he has personal reasons and he needs to defer his place a year, and use that time to get a bit more life experience and save some money. If after a year he still wants to be near the GF then at least he thought about it properly.