Left out of Birthday treat

[bornwithaplasticspoon]

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

It does a child no harm to learn how to face disappointment and that they can't always be included.
It's sad if the present you bought the birthday girl is based value-wise on whether your child was invited or not.
Why do people have to assume the other mother did this with malice or meanness?
Too many people are precious these days and they are teaching their kids to be. Either accept the renewed invitation or don't but make your decision based on whether your daughter would like to go and not based on tit for tat.

I think it's clear from the OPs post that it's just the four of them.

Its clear from the OP that she and her dd believe there are only four of them. Maybe the other girl doesn't feel the same way. My older dd had a circle of between 3 - 6 girls she did most things with. I couldn't distinguish between the ones she thought of as best friends and those who were good friends, but she could and they changed over time. Life is full of disappointments and we have to help our children to get over them. Blowing a minor thing like this into a huge drama is not doing that.

Exactly, red sky.

Just to clear up the gift situation.

I have 3 children and I've always only bought presents of 'value' if they are going to a party. Good friends who aren't having parties get smaller 'token' presents.

I think that's pretty standard? Or do people really buy all their children's friends expensive gifts for every Birthday?

Think there's a lot of projecting on this thread from people who feel that dictating the guest list of someone's party is acceptable because their dc cannot possibly be left out. The other mum unknown to anyone on here other than the op has been called a bitch, cow and cunt for the most spurious of reasons.

I doubt very much the birthday girl's mother had any intention of causing any problems.
It's amazing how easy it is for people of get over concerned or upset over a trivial matter. Calling anyone those names without knowing them or understanding their situation is childish and ignorant.

Ooh, I've got this to come next month, and I'm dreading it.

DD likes 'action' parties - going out and doing stuff. This year she wants to either do X or Y. She has 7 friends that she would like to invite and there are 4 other girls in her year that she doesn't really get on with.

If we do X, then one of the 7 wouldn't be able to come for medical reasons. If we do Y, then a different one of the 7 wouldn't be able to come for personal reasons (but we could invite all the girls in the class if DD wanted).

DD is struggling with this decision.

I've suggested a completely different thing that she could invite 3 friends to instead, but she's knocked that one on the head because she can't choose just 3 out of 7.

At this rate she won't be doing anything.

That is interesting, Cressandra.

I am not suggesting this is the case with your DD, but my DD3 had a friend who invited a certain group of 'cool' girls to a party she once held. Her actual friends were not invited. It turned out she was using DD3 and two other girls to sit with at lunch and hang around with if she had no better offers. The mums of the two excluded girls and I were gobsmacked that ex-friend' parents were willing to go along with the party guest list. DD4 and her true friends all ended up going to a certain secondary school together and the ex friend went to a different one. They were completely blanked by this girl when they saw her out in public with her set of new school friends, but if they saw her alone she was happy to stoop to chat with them. Her FB features all sorts of parties and gatherings hosted by her mum. I always wonder about the guest lists.

In DD4's year there were two distinct cliques. DD4 had a friend who wanted to join one of them. Friend and DD4 made plans to go out at Halloween together, planned costumes and roue to maximise candy haul, etc. Two days before Halloween DD4 learned she had been dumped. The former friend had managed to secure an invitation from one of the girls in the desirable clique after her mother approached the mother of a clique member. The child eventually was taken out of the school and sent elsewhere with just one year of elementary ed to go as the clique turned on her in the end. Ex-friend's mother posts on her FB about how important it is to stop bullying. Pah.

The moral of my anecdotes is, yes, parents can have different ideas about who constitutes a friendship group, but sometimes parents have an agenda and it isn't all about fitting X number of friends into Y number of seats in a car or affording Z number of tickets to a chosen event. Some parents are more aspirational about their children's friends than you might want to believe.

And on the theme of 'that's life, suck it up' -- how about telling a child of yours, 'Sorry, you have five friends and therefore we can't host a party that will cost £XX per head and require a 40 minute drive in one car that seats five. Think of a better plan, Sweetie.'

(Sorry, that wasn't directed at you, Cressandra )

Mathanxiety, your post about getting into the cool group and the mums who actively encourage it is absolutely spot on. In my dd's final year of primary school and first year of high school this happened a lot. Thank god she's at uni now with decent people.

I think what is happening here (sadly) is that you and your DD think she is in a tight-knit group or four, and the child in question (and her mother) sees herself as being in a tight-knit group of three with one occasional hanger-on.

I can't imagine anyone would knowingly exclude one best friend out of a group of three, unless they didn't consider that child a best friend at all.

It's sad for your DD but it's one of life's harsh lessons learnt, and I'd help her focus on widening her social group.

Some parents are more aspirational about their children's friends than you might want to believe.

^^^
This

I've just read this:

I'd be tempted to message

"Sorry you've had a drop out but DD was upset to not be included in the first place so I don't want to reopen that by telling her she's your second choice."

I am inclined to think I'd do something similar.

It's an interesting take, mathanxiety. I'm pretty sure that's not what happened with my DD as you say! I wonder what the girl told her parents - she might say her current group are leaving her out and being mean, and this may or may not be true.

I think BadlyBehaved's scenario is closer to the mark with my DD but it's more complicated than that... It's always so complicated. DD and Friend1 both like Friend2 a great deal. Friend2 has a love hate thing going on with Friend3. DD and Friend1 don't really hit it off with Friend3 but they end up as a group of 4 whenever Friend2 and Friend3 are talking to each other. For her party, DD argued she didn't actually like Friend3, she spent time with her for Friend2's sake but having done it all week at school she didn't see why she had to invite her when there were lots of other people she considers closer friends. They aren't particularly aspirational cool kids, they're children she's known for years, got on with, had home for tea. I could see where she was coming from tbh, but I thought Friend3 would be really hurt to be excluded, so I put my foot down. But she was having a bigger party.

Despite DD's take, I would imagine Friend3 and her parents see the group as a close knit group of 4 who spend a lot of time together. Or alternatively maybe Friend3 doesn't feel fully part of the group and she will one day throw a party, invite the cool kids and move on to new friends. I wouldn't be surprised and I think it might make everyone happier once the initial sting has faded.

Like I said, webs not pigeonholes. Best not to get too involved or fall out with the other parents over it. They are probably hearing a completely different reality from their own child.

The particular friend's parents saw themselves as pretty cool and were involved in many volunteering activities - coaching an organised youth sport, volunteering as a scout leader, etc. I think they saw their DD's friends as beneath the sort of status they expected in the school as a result of the effort they put in. It would have seemed very natural to them that their child had cool friends.

How depressing.

the movie Heathers has some very illuminating scenes re pecking orders.