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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Birthday treat

169 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 17:22

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 29/01/2016 09:06

Personally I would up grade the gift, I wouldn't have got a small £3 gift in the first place just because we weren't going to the party, that comes across to me as a little petty and the birthday girl misses out because of a decision her parents made. As others have said it may well be that the birthday girl has lots of other friends as well as this 4 and she wanted to go to the theatre so was told ok, we can take two people. For me, it's really not a big deal. I can understand the upset but these things happen.

Hope your dd has a nice time xx

AndYourBirdCanSing · 29/01/2016 09:31

I agree that it is so unkind to leave one child out of a close knit group. You either do something where all can go or invite only one if it's due to space/money.

Nothing 'bonkers' or 'entitled' about that!

chemenger · 29/01/2016 09:50

ollieplimsoles "Bitch mother"? Really nice. So no chance that dad might want to go too? And actually lots of cars (Fiat 500s and Minis, for example) have only two rear seats.

Zhabr · 29/01/2016 09:50

I would let DD go and upgrade the present. But I still will be worried about the sudden recovery of the ear infection girl and a call from the mother saying, sorry the other girl feels better now and can come to the theatre after all and your DD is not needed anymore.

SaucyJack · 29/01/2016 09:58

"Nothing 'bonkers' or 'entitled' about that!"

Yes. Yes it is. There is plenty bonkers and entitled about thinking that other people should not be "allowed" to take their own child and two of her friends out for their birthday because your kid might get the hump.

Perhaps they had a good reason for not prioritising inviting the OP's DD. Perhaps they didn't. Perhaps they just picked two names at random.

Whatevs. They don't owe the OP either a theatre ticket or an explanation.

TheWomanInTheWall · 29/01/2016 11:38

My DC are similar age, one has requested a specific birthday treat, I've said that would be fine but it will be a smaller group as it's further away. Left it to them to choose.

So perhaps "bitch mum" (seriously? How about "bastard dad" if we are going all out!) did similar and her DD preferred the theatre as what she really wanted, vs a sleepover or whatever.

chemenger · 29/01/2016 11:51

Yes I assumed "bitch mum" must be married to "bastard dad" as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2016 11:54

Gosh quite a lot of you have feelings of steel, I cannot blame a 9 year old girl for being upset about being left out of the group, its totally normal and ok to feel hurt and upset. I have also seen on threads, where this has happened to adults, and they have felt hurt, so to expect a little girl to just accept it is asking way to much. Op has understandably told her dd and her dd wants, to go, so is going, I personally would have not told dd, and have said to the mum that we have now made other plans, and yes thought less of the mother who would leave one out of a group. Obviously your dd is not as close to this girl as you or she thought.

I would invest less time in this group of friends, and encourage your dd to make other friends, and have playdates with other friends, so she is less reliant on this group.

luckyjazz · 29/01/2016 12:26

Glad it's sorted now OP and I think you're right to not mention any upset caused, I've had a very similar situation with my DD 11, group of six close friends, she was the only one not invited, upsetting for her at the time, but she survived, stung a bit at the time for me, but hey ho, shit happens, glad I didn't say anything or make a fuss as they are all still friends and i think me sticking my oar in and mentioning it to other parent would have caused some awkwardness to say the least, all the other mums did mention they thought it pretty rubbish that DD had been left out so not just me, but like another poster said could have been a money or space issue, or maybe they had fallen out just previous to Birthday outing, who knows, DD got over it pretty quick, won't be the last time this happens in her life.

Hope your DD has a lovely day out.

UnderCrackers5 · 29/01/2016 12:31

I would explain to dd that the kindest thing to do would be to take her gift and herself around to stay with the friend with the ear infection. Forget the show
She has a friend in need

gotthemoononastick · 29/01/2016 12:56

Aah! Undercrackers!At last ,someone who would do the same as I would.

Indeed ,a friend in need.

PitPatKitKat · 29/01/2016 13:11

Genius Undercrackers!

2rebecca · 29/01/2016 13:13

As it is a birthday treat it's likely that dad or possibly a sibling is going as well. The whole family plus friends tended to go for my kids' stuff when younger not just 1 parent. family members were prioritised over friends.

BabyGanoush · 29/01/2016 13:24

Ao many of you are waaaaaay overinvested in your kids' social lives..

this sort if stuff happens. You can say yes or no, up to you. Don't Make it a massive drama

I would try to teach DC not to nurse hurt feelings or hold petty grudges.

I am a "bitch mum" who let DS have 3 friends only for birthday treat, as that's how many fit in my car.

If my husband is on a business trip, it would be 2, as then DS2 has to fit in too.

It's life

HopingForBetter · 29/01/2016 13:31

I'm with Penny. I think the mum needs to know that she was unreasonable to book an activity that only 3 out of the 4 friends could do and the hurt that that was always going to cause the left out child.
If my daughter chose that as her birthday treat I'd explain the hurt it would cause and insist she chooses something else.

So I don't think you should be expected to push down the upset it's caused and appear grateful to the mum for your last minute chance at going.
I might upgrade the gift, though. Mainly so your daughter doesn't loose face again hen she gives it.

lostInTheWash · 29/01/2016 13:39

I always try and not leave DC out - but as they've gotten older there have been venues £10 + a head that they wanted that has meant 10 -15 children is our limit. When we had a party at home we could only accommodate that kind of number as well. With home one it was a pool of 60 year group across two classes.

The DC have controlled who was asked and we've tried very hard not to make a big thing about them giving invites out or leave anyone obviously out.

yet I've had DC try to then invite themselves and had to deal with broad hints from parents - and in all cases I had they weren't close to my DC.

In one case one child very forcefully suggested to mine that they not invite our other children then there would be room for them Hmm. Except our other children had to go - as to have enough adults we both needed to be there and had no childcare for our DC plus birthday child wanted them there.

Combine that with not RSVPing, people turn up who said they wouldn't , sibling turning up with no talking to you prior and expectation you'll include them and people saying they'll come and not - it's a bloody minefield.

I do think OP has a right to be upset as here it appears to have been handled poorly - but as long as her DD is happy now I'd not look for more trouble and try point scoring.

rookiemere · 29/01/2016 13:39

It would never have occurred to me in a million years that if DS was in that situation, the correct thing for DS to do was not:
a) go to the play

b) go out on alternative enjoyable day out that has been arranged
but c) do neither fun thing but instead spend day with friend with ear infection who is probably in bed or not really up to having visitors.

Clearly I am not an altruistic enough parent.

lostInTheWash · 29/01/2016 13:40

I'd not look for more trouble by trying to score points.

TheWomanInTheWall · 29/01/2016 13:52

Aero, yes, I sympathise with the DD. That's not the same as chucking out a "bitch mum" though!

"If my daughter chose that as her birthday treat I'd explain the hurt it would cause and insist she chooses something else."

You'd upset your DD ahead of someone else's? Rather than, say, suggesting she asks one of her three friends plus a cousin or a friend from brownies or whatever? You'd just insist?

Ok doke.

WickedWax · 29/01/2016 14:10

I think you've done the right thing OP, though personally I'd be worried about the unwell child making a recovery.

Because someone who is quite happy to issue an invite and tell the invitee that they are second choice is probably enough of a hardfaced cow to retract the invite too.

I'd be expecting a text "X is well enough to attend now so DD won't be able to come along after all".

Cel982 · 29/01/2016 14:10

You'd upset your DD ahead of someone else's? Rather than, say, suggesting she asks one of her three friends plus a cousin or a friend from brownies or whatever? You'd just insist?

It's hardly the same type/degree of upset, though, is it? As a kid I would have been devastated by this. As much as you explain that finances etc put limits on numbers, she's still the one who was chosen last. Much better to encourage the birthday girl towards a kinder choice.

TheWomanInTheWall · 29/01/2016 14:11

The kinder choice, if you take that premise, is probably not to invite any of the three friends or to only invite one. Would you then be happy?

Cel982 · 29/01/2016 14:12

Ecstatic, yeah Hmm

redskybynight · 29/01/2016 14:20

What does birthday girl herself make of the situation? For DD's 9th birthday, I explained that she could have more expensive treat but only invite x friends, or cheaper treat but invite more friends. DD worked out for herself that if she only had x friends she would be excluding someone important and therefore opted for the 2nd option. At 9, DC have pretty strong ideas about who their friends are. Sounds like birthday girl is less enamoured of OP's DD than perhaps the other way around.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/01/2016 14:21

she's still the one who was chosen last

Who said? Birthday girl might have a 100 friends - means 98 are left out!

God help any popular kids then!! Start saving!!