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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Birthday treat

169 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 17:22

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 28/01/2016 18:03

Yes I agree, especially as you HAVE arranged a nice day out with dd.

LillianGish · 28/01/2016 18:03

If your DD wants to go I'd let her go, let's her be happy about it and say no more of it. Agree it was a strange thing to do, but other people are strange - just rise above it and give her the gift you've bought and move on.

RubyRo · 28/01/2016 18:03

I definitely wouldn't raise it with the Mum! It is tempting, but don't do it. If DD said something to her friend that's one thing, but I don't think you should get involved.

In regards to whether your DD goes. That is up to her, but do you think there will be any 'we really wanted X, not you' going on? 9yo girls can be a nightmare.

If it was my DD I would let her decide (I think Confused) But I would make sure she knew that she was doing her friend a favour by going and not the other way around.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 28/01/2016 18:04

It's a hard one. I mean of course you're thinking. You're not using my DD to make up the numbers. Good enough now to be included in the clique, but if you don't let her go. It's your DD you're hurting

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/01/2016 18:06

Sorry but you're making this situation by encouraging just the four of them - tickets are sold cheaper in groups of four - her DD wanted that as her treat -

How many others have you "left out" because it suits you?

Go or not!! But long term let it go -

Encourage your DD to widen her circle and start inviting some of those that never get invited

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 18:07

I looked up the show and it's £10.50 a ticket so not wildly expensive. I think it's more a travel problem as the two parents plus 3 children make a car full and it's about 40 minutes drive but I'd have happily transported dd.

Anyway, I've mentioned it to dd and she's over the moon.

I feel a little bit differently about the mum now - rightly or wrongly - but I will keep it to myself (and mumsnet). Personally I couldn't split this group. Playdates are all conducted one on one in turns but they've all been to each others birthdays and we have regular sunday trips to the cinema so it's more than just 'class mates'.

Dd's Birthday is coming up and they're all coming for pizza and dvd after school.

OP posts:
redskybynight · 28/01/2016 18:08

I wonder if from mum's position she saw it as 2 friends out of 3, or just 2 out of a number of friends that her DD had? I've found that other parents generally have very different ideas about how good friends their DC are, and what their friendship groups are, than I do!!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/01/2016 18:09

wonder if it was because she only had room in the car for 2 plus her dd if she and another adult were going, may be a simple explanation,I would let her go.

Lordamighty · 28/01/2016 18:09

If your DD goes on the theatre trip then a £3 gift wouldn't be enough.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/01/2016 18:10

X post Blush

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/01/2016 18:11

What would you have said if child B had been left out? Would you be annoyed? Or not given it a second thought?

manicinsomniac · 28/01/2016 18:15

After checking with you daughter, I think I'd just message back 'thank you very much, she'd love to come.' Anything else would just create awkwardness and potential problems in the future.

I think the other mum was really off to leave out 1 of 4 in the first place. If she could afford 3 theatre tickets but not 4 then I would have either:

Just invited 1 friend, saved a bit of money and had more left out than invited

or (more likely)

Invite all 4 and not get a ticket for myself. I would have settled the children then sat outside the door nearest to their seats with a book.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 28/01/2016 18:19

Yanbu, it's truly shitty of the mother to have said only two can come. How could she do that knowing that the four girls are friends. Your poor dd. However best to not make a big deal and just let dd go. But she'll have to do with the £3 gift as you can say oh you had no time at the last minute to get something. Will get the medal across.

Jezebel555 · 28/01/2016 18:20

I can't believe people are saying that this is a 'life lesson'!!
Disappointment yes, but any mother who can leave out ONE child from a group of friends is quite frankly a nasty bitch.
I would have sorted a cheaper option in that position to include the whole friendship group.
This kind of disappointment is a life lesson when it's say choosing ten kids from a whole class. Not a group of four. That is spiteful and any adult who can sit back and let one child be left out (thinking of the potential issues this could then cause at school) is a disgrace.
I'm sure the birthday girls mother would have kept schtum if it was HER DD who had been left out of the OPs DDs birthday celebrations. Like fuck she would.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 18:20

Difficult one Sally Confused.

I'd have accepted for dd but felt awful for the left out girl. It's harsh to leave one out.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 28/01/2016 18:23

This is the maddest thread I have ever read.

If your DD wants to go, then accept the invite graciously. If not, then don't.

Our own kids are not the centre of everybody else's universe. Deal with it.

DinosaursRoar · 28/01/2016 18:24

Do you think the other girl really only thinks of herself having 3 friends? It could well be that while your DD has only this group of 4, the other girl has a wider group as well so it's not as obvious she was leavng only one out.

It is also the case I presume that a parent has to go to, so they have bought 4 tickets, one for the mum,one for the birthday girl, leaving 2 others available. At £42 for the trip, plus treats etc, that's not a cheap event.

bakeoffcake · 28/01/2016 18:25

DD2 had a close group of 5 friends who did everything together from y3. None of us parents would have dreamt of excluding one of them from a party. It's so bloody thoughtless.

I think you've handled it really well. Tbh I would upgrade the present because I don't think it was the child's fault.

AvaLeStrange · 28/01/2016 18:29

I think you've done the right thing but understand why you feel put out about it, and I have very firm boundaries when it comes to limiting numbers and letting DD choose who to invite regardless of any potential fall out.

Thank God she's opted for a day out with just her very best friend this year!

Postchildrenpregranny · 28/01/2016 18:29

My Dcs have grown up with the mantra 'life isnt fair, get used to it' but to leave one out of a group of 4 is not nice .
I'd leave it up to your DD and not comment but I'd be fuming

Littlef00t · 28/01/2016 18:29

Surely if your Dd had been invited on the proviso you take her there and back, you'd be equally upset she was the poor relation. Lose lose for the mum really. Glad we have places like mumsnet to vent!

GloriousGoosebumps · 28/01/2016 18:30

I really don't understand how this mother felt it was o.k. to leave one of a group out of a birthday treat and I'd like to know how she would have felt if the positions had been reversed and it was her daughter who was being left out. It's one thing to tell your child she can't invite everyone in her class but quite another to leave one of a group of four girls out of the invite. I would find it very difficult to accept the invitation in these circumstances, however, I suppose you have to give your DD the choice - just make sure your alternative day out is absolutely fantastic and hope DD chooses it!

TeddTess · 28/01/2016 18:32

maybe the group of 4 isn't as tight as you think.
maybe the girl has lots of friends
encourage your dd to broaden her circle.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 28/01/2016 18:34

I'd let her go if she wants.
Yes it's not nice that she wasn't one of the two picked but she's liked enough to be the third picked.

Pp are right. This kind if thing will happen many times. Sometimes it'll work out in the end and sometimes it won't.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 18:35

That's awful, leaving one out of a group of just 4. Your poor dd going through that.

As above, I'd now be encouraging her to widen her frendship group, just do she has other friends there in the event of this sort of thing happening.

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