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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Birthday treat

169 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 17:22

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 28/01/2016 23:49

Yes the parents might not have had the money to include all 4, but when your DC is left out. You don't look at it like that
Oh never mind. They didn't have the money

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2016 23:51

It does not matter, invite just 2, or choose a cheaper activity that all 4 could do, not leave one out of a supposidly tight group.

FireCrotch · 29/01/2016 05:29

When ds was younger his closest friend was a girl who lived on the next street. They'd play together, walk to school,go to the park, come here or go there for dinner. When it came to his birthday he did something for all his friends. (Bowling and pizza, cinema etc) when it came to her birthday he was never invited as it was always a pink, princessy affair. After the third year in a row he asked her mother outright why she organised parties that he couldn't attend?! I was mortified but proud he said something I didn't dare say but had been thinking Her 8th birthday party was a pirates and princess one. :o

theycallmemellojello · 29/01/2016 06:28

They're not the Beatles. A 'group of four' friends is not some official unit - they're a group because they share lifts and go to the same activities, doesn't mean they have to do everything together or that none of them have other friends.

greenfolder · 29/01/2016 06:57

I wouldn't upgrade the present. I would let dd go. I would assume that friend wanted to go to the theatre for her birthday treat. Parents said only 2 and she maybe just picked the names out of a hat. I wonder sometimes why parents bother doing something nice for their kids involving anyone else at all tbh.

PitPatKitKat · 29/01/2016 07:14

To be honest, I would have been tempted to say "Sorry, we have other plans now". then the takeaway is "Don't make a priority of people who treat you as an option". To be fair, 9 is a bit young to get that.

So I think you are right, especially about how you view the other mum int he future though.

As regards the gift, I would say rise above the unfortunate behaviour and upgrade- it's not the little girl's fault, and it would be a shame to perpetuate bad feeling.

SevenOfNineTrue · 29/01/2016 07:27

I wonder what the kids said to each other in school about this. They must have spoken about why your DD was left out.

ihateminecraft · 29/01/2016 07:28

Although people are entitled to do what the hell they want for their children's birthdays, I do think the mum was very insensitive in this particular case as it meant excluding just one child. Personally, I would’ve arranged something that all four could go to. Anyway, if your daughter wants to go I'd let her. I would be tempted to mention that my daughter was upset indicating I wasn't impressed by the mum's insensitive behaviour, but what would that achieve? And yes, I would upgrade the gift. One of DD'S friend's mums took DD and another girl on an outing that I know wasn't cheap so I did buy a nicer gift than usual. Mind you, DD was first choice!

TheWomanInTheWall · 29/01/2016 07:33

DS talks about various friends and I have no idea which are also close friends with each other.

I grew up with "you can ask two people" birthday treats because of space in the car.

I don't think the mum is at fault here.

lizzydrippingsghost · 29/01/2016 07:33

i would of asked if i could pay for dds ticket to the theatre, if it was just about money explaining how close the girls are and that dd will be upset not to be included.
i know that sounds pfb but if it is just about the money id sooner ask and get it sorted.
id let dd accept the second hand invite but it would leave a sour taste in my throat

lizzydrippingsghost · 29/01/2016 07:35

when theres only 4 in the group how can you not know who they are , they are only 9 tears old

lizzydrippingsghost · 29/01/2016 07:36

years

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2016 07:59

Exactly, it's a mean thing to do, as an adult if I was very close to a particular group of friends and the only one not invited to a night out, I would be really hurt. Why do children have to just suck it up just because they are kids, are their feelings less important Hmm. Op has said they are close, and play together at school and outside. So mum knows this, yet chose to leave 1 out. Yes I would have said that we have other plans now, and thought less of the mum who did this!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2016 08:04

If it was a travel issue, mum should have told you the situation and asked if you could transport your dd there and back. Your dd is not a reserve if a child falls ill. Next time, we have made other plans now, no thank you.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2016 08:11

At that age friendships are more established than a few years ago where they might chop and change regularly.

SaucyJack · 29/01/2016 08:13

" Why do children have to just suck it up just because they are kids, are their feelings less important ."

No. They have to suck it up because that's life, and you don't get to invite yourself to somebody else's birthday treat.

I am honestly cringing at some of the replies here.

If you really think that somebody else ought to arrange their own child's birthday outing around suiting your PFB's feelings, then you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 29/01/2016 08:15

Have not read whole thread but fwiw I would in your shoes:

Accept invite graciously
Update gift accordingly
Rise above and invite all three when it comes to your DD's birthday
Be positive about the invite with your dd as it does not reflect on her
Add this girl's mum to your list of "nice enough but don't count on her" if she warrants it

rookiemere · 29/01/2016 08:19

I think some people are making this into a much bigger issue than it needs to be.

Sounds to me as if the number was set due to the size of the car. Ok yes you can drive your DD but how did she know that in advance.

Your DD has an invite now so that's well and good and yes I'd probably increase present slightly maybe £5 gift card for somewhere to go on top of existing present.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2016 08:24

saucy your looking at this from an adult perspective, very easy to say when you or your child are not in that position. I have been in that position as an adult and it bloody hurts, yes I sucked it up and not as close to that friend, I am an adult and able to rationalise things more.

SaucyJack · 29/01/2016 08:35

"I am an adult and able to rationalise things more."

Glad to hear it- cos I would hate to see what some of you rationalising this less would sound like.

2 spare seats in the car= 2 names picked off the top of the head.

Disappointing for the OP's DD? Yes. But the end of the world? Er, no.

rookiemere · 29/01/2016 08:45

Exactly saucyjack !

It's not the way I would have run the thing - I hate leaving anyone out and as a result last year at DS's party had a huge incident which spoilt the whole thing for me (thankfully not DS) as a result of inviting one of the DS's he naturally would have excluded, oh and a hideous sleepover as one child too many for comfort in his bedroom again because I didn't want to exclude any particular child.

Sometimes not everyone can be included and yes it's sad but not the end of the world/

chemenger · 29/01/2016 08:54

This is why I just don't get involved in the ins and outs of my dds' friendships. I can easily see myself being the evil mother destroying the four way sisterhood. They want to go to the theatre, its fine to choose what the family want to do for a birthday.

If she had invited all three friends they would have to take 2 cars. 2 children in each, because probably nobody wants a 9 year old in the front seat. Then you have to choose which friend goes with the birthday girl and which two go with the parent that they probably don't know that well (and wait for the Mumsnet thread about girls being driven by a father with no chaperone). Or you ask the parent of one of the friends to drive - which one, does that mean you like that parent/child best or least? Then their child looks like a second thought, because you are effectively saying "your child can only come if you drive, then hang around to take your her home". Do you buy the parent a ticket too, in which case does that mean that you like them better than the other parents? What if you want to go for something to eat too? Much easier to just say "pick one or two of your friends to come to the theatre if you want".

When dds were the one left out to be honest they seemed pretty philosophical about it, they understood perfectly well that not everyone can always do everything. If this breaks the friendship it couldn't have been that strong anyway and its probably not helping that you are overthinking it.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/01/2016 08:56

Knowing the place is 40 mins drive away and they can only fit 3 girls in the car, it wouldn't bother me and I'd wish them a good time. it might be a show their dd really wanted to see on her birthday, they might also be having something to eat before/after which they need to drive between.

ds would probably be disappointed but he would understand why as he is part of a group of 6 friends, we cant take them all every time we do something so we rotate, sometime he is closer friends with some of the boys than others and they get together more often, sometimes the others do things together and ds doesn't get to go.

No biggie for us, but we do have a loon in the group that's messages the mums to say her ds is upset if a couple of the boys do something without him

ollieplimsoles · 29/01/2016 09:00

There are typically three rear seats in the back of a car, birthday girl and bitch mother at the front...makes three friends invited.

Thetruthfairy · 29/01/2016 09:05

I'd let her go.
It's one of those things that happen in life. Your dd will have memories of going to the party, rather than being excluded.

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