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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Birthday treat

169 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 17:22

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

OP posts:
Throwingshade · 28/01/2016 19:35

Utterly utterly bonkers Multivac.

No wonder so many children grow up so entitled and thinking they are the centre of the universe (and unable to fight their own battles).

mathanxiety · 28/01/2016 19:37

I would just let DD go as you have already told her a place has opened up. I would not have told a child of mine this news and would have gone ahead with my own plans.

On the quiet, I would be encouraging DD to widen her circle of friends and I would widen yours too. This girl and her mum will be bad news in the teen years. It may well be that this party signifies a shift in the friendship group that has already taken place, that you and DD may not be aware of (hoping not to make you paranoid, but stranger things have happened.)

The solution to money worries is either not to have a party or to find something that comes in under budget and still manages to include all the friends.

NotnowNigel · 28/01/2016 19:38

Does the girl with the 'ear infection' really have one?

Was she showing solidarity with your dd and decided not to go?

Had your dd mentioned how upset she was to be left out to the other two girls invited?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 28/01/2016 19:40

"No sorry I have plans for that day. Thanks anyway." That's what I would be very tempted to say.

And the money you'd spend on "upgrading" her present, you can put towards the nice day out together

NotnowNigel · 28/01/2016 19:41

PS - meant to add - I don't think my dd's friends woulf go alomg with one being left out all for one and one for all or is that entitled?

LittleBeautyBelle · 28/01/2016 19:54

math, Notnow, and cantwait have very good advice.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 28/01/2016 19:57

maybe she has lots of friends - why should she have to have a party that includes them all, or no party at all? A theatre trip is a perfectly reasonable party if that's what a child wants to do, and if she is choosing from a variety of friends - from her point of view, she might not be leaving only one out, and it might well not be deliberate. I would agree that they might all need to widen friendship groups, both children and adults, but it doesn't mean that anyone has necessarily been deliberately unkind or excluded people. (Of course, they might have, but in the absence of knowing that for certain, giving them the benefit of the doubt will make it much less awkward in the future!). I agree that B-list invitations can be hurtful though, and that could have been handled better.

Norest · 28/01/2016 20:00

But the theatre can be really expensive. It could be that the birthday girl was desperate to see a particular show but the parents couldn't stretch to taking 3 guests.

I would let her go.

lostInTheWash · 28/01/2016 20:04

See I'd have thought long and hard about telling my DC about b -list invite- however the OP has already told her DD and her DD is excited about going.

So telling her she shouldn't let her DD go and now and stick to their original plans seems pointless - ( though if it happens again I'd be doing this I think).

I'd let DD go now - upgrade present for previous reasons I said and keep an eye on the situation/friendship in future.

Cressandra · 28/01/2016 20:06

I'd reiterate what others have said - what looks like a highly defined 4 to you might look very different to them. My DD is in a group of 4 but I had to convince her to include one of them in her 8 invitees to her party. And her top 8 for her party was very different to another of the group's invitee list. Friendships are complicated webs, not neat pigeonholes.

Add an extra thing to the present.

pinkcan · 28/01/2016 20:07

Time for you to be the bigger person. Let your dd go to the theatre, get her an appropriate gift, rather than a token gift. You could just get another thing to top up the token gift?

If they are such a tight group, it would be unwise to continue this thing that the other mum started. You could end it right now by accepting the invitation and getting an appropriate present. Whilst explaining everything to your dd.

Often on MN, harsh, cutting and rude responses are suggested when an OP posts problems. All very well when you are behind the keyboard, but these girls are your dd's best friends and you have to liaise with the mum.

Kingfisherfree · 28/01/2016 20:22

I often invite 2 of my dd's friends for birthday outings. Confused It is purely down to fitting them in the car. I would imagine as pp said she doesn't see the group of 4 as important as you do.

Let your dd go if she wants to and forget about it.

ovenchips · 28/01/2016 20:25

I wouldn't 'upgrade' pressie but when you RSVP would say '...DD will bring along the gift she'd already bought your DD, with the original intention of giving it to her at school on the Monday...'

blobbityblob · 28/01/2016 20:26

God I have a dc this age and I'd find it really hard to be gracious. But as others say, my idea of a friendship group might be totally different to another parent's. And within dd's group of 4, one of them is being really horrible at the moment - causing daily arguments, being manipulative, trying to exclude one, trying to control who can play with who. It's all so complicated I'd probably go with what dd wanted to do. She tends to handle it far better than me with my oar.

redskybynight · 28/01/2016 20:43

It's also worth saying that IME 9 is the age that girls do start reevaluating their friendships and previously very close friends can move on. I wonder if something like this is in play here?

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 20:46

Thanks everyone. You've given me lots of food for thought. Dd is happy so that's all that matters for now. I'll keep my eye on the group dynamic but have had no indication anything us up. We're going to get something to add to the present.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 28/01/2016 21:33

The DD is happy so no harm done.

I would leave the £3 gift though....give her that

scarlets · 28/01/2016 21:46

Inviting a child because the first choice has cancelled is poor form. Who on earth does that?

I think that your daughter needs to widen her circle beyond these three people in general.

Cloppysow · 28/01/2016 22:13

This thread is indeed very, very bonkers.

tizzylittle · 28/01/2016 22:32

Why is it bonkers. Seems a perfectly reasonable aibu to me.

CocktailQueen · 28/01/2016 23:17

In a tight group of 4, I'd pick something all girls could do. I don't think it's fair to leave out 1. Am sure your dd will learn these things happen over her life, but this sounds a bit crap. Don't think it'll do party mum any harm to realise that your dd was upset over the party arrangements.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2016 23:23

Op is so not being unreasonable, it is hurtful to be the only one in a group to be left out. If that happened to me as an adult it would make me think less of the host friend and I would distance from her. Why is a child's feelings less valid! Now you told her, get her a better gift and allow her to go. If this happens a next time, do not tell dd about it, continue with your plans that yiu had with her.

ollieplimsoles · 28/01/2016 23:29

Don't upgrade her present, I would spend the money on an amazing day out for dd.

Crappy thing for the mum to do, I wouldn't let my dd go just because she was lucky enough for the preferred girl to get an ear infection

ReginaBlitz · 28/01/2016 23:36

I would tell her to Fuck off tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2016 23:37

This would make me think tha bit less of the host mum tbh.

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