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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Birthday treat

169 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 17:22

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

OP posts:
Kirkenes · 28/01/2016 18:36

That thoughtless of the friends parents. I'd let your DD decide what to do.

CaptainCrunch · 28/01/2016 18:38

I agree with TedTess, your perception of how "tight" they are could be very different from hers and encouraging a kind of tight, exclusive friendship group is unhealthy and as your DD has discovered can lead to great disappointment when you get booted out of the clique.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 28/01/2016 18:45

Dd is youngest of 3 so I have dealt with non-invites before but not in a case like this with one child left out.

It's obvious to the parents how close they are as we socialise outside school. We have facebook messenger group chat where we organise things and if one of us finds an activity we think they'd like we share the info.

Dd does have other friends. We still meet up with friends from toddler group so she sees friends that she's not at school with regularly. She also has cousins of the same age so she's not totally reliant on the group.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 28/01/2016 18:47

I don't think you can expect every parent to be fully sensitive to the closeness or not of a group of 4. I think the travel arrangements sound perfectly sensible.

Plus it's not just the £10 ticket is it? There's bound to be other expenses, they might be getting some food before / after, or at least a drink or snack at the theatre.

Glad your dd got to go. Plus I think it is a life lesson, that you can still be friends and important in each other's lives even if not 'best' friend.

TendonQueen · 28/01/2016 18:50

Well, it's sort of all's well that ends well in that she's going. But I would leave the present as is, and I would note for future reference that they don't bother much about the dynamics of a group of friends. I would not have left out one of four.

LittleBeautyBelle · 28/01/2016 18:52

I think she was very unkind to exclude one girl from the close group of 4. I'm not sure what to advise. I'd be tempted to tell her we already made plans since dd wasn't invited (the only one excluded from a small group).

In most situations, children do get excluded for whatever reasons, and it's perfectly fine, no big deal, but if it is a small group of very close friends, four in the group, then to me it is unkind and completely thoughtless to issue the command to the birthday child that they must exclude one of the four. If they can afford three, they can somehow find the money for the fourth child. It's not like they're having to figure out how to pay for a large group.

Your daughter I'm sure wants to go still so I'd allow that but there's nothing wrong with saying in passing, DD was hurt to be excluded.

The other mother is lacking in basic courtesy, common sense, and kindness.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 18:52

I think most parents would recognise if their child was in a tight group of 4 close friends tbh Zen

Rafflesway · 28/01/2016 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBeautyBelle · 28/01/2016 18:53

Definitely do not "upgrade" the present. Your daughter is only going because the intended invitee has an ear infection. Don't pander to this mother's thoughtless behavior.

CaptainCrunch · 28/01/2016 18:54

It sounds like you're a bit over invested in the group of adults, perhaps they don't care about it all as much as you do. I much preferred when my dc left primary and their friendships were self led with little or no involvement from me.

PuppyMonkey · 28/01/2016 18:55

Blimey there are some hard faced people on this thread. I bet you lot saying it's one of life's lessons were all in the Mean Girls when you were at school. Grin

DD goes to a small school, there are only 4 girls in her year. The thought of me doing a party with just two of the others, leaving one out... Nope can't think of it.

Corygal1 · 28/01/2016 18:58

Go - don't lose out from a fit of pique. Teaching DD that she's either number 1 or free to throw a wobbly is not helpful to her.

multivac · 28/01/2016 18:58

"This is the maddest thread I have ever read"
Utterly bonkers. Not the OP, particularly, mind.

Bodhicitta · 28/01/2016 19:00

This happened to my DD recently. She is in a very small class and there are only 5 girls. One of them had a birthday and they were going ice skating (one of those parties where they book for say 15 so needed to make numbers up)
The birthday girl handed out invites but told DD that there wasn't enough space for her but if someone dropped out she might get an invite...
DD was really upset but we arranged, as you did OP, to do something nice.
Loads of the children couldn't go so DD got her second hand invite but we declined, albeit as nicely as I could.
I understand completely that not every parent can stretch to invite every child but as someone else said upthread, second hand invites are rude. I would never leave a child out, I hate that sort of thing, but if I had sent invites and people couldn't go, no way would I send out for the B list!

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 28/01/2016 19:01

I'd also being worried about the ear infection getting better (antibiotics kick in quickly) and saying she can now go.

CaptainCrunch · 28/01/2016 19:06

The bottom line is your friend isn't especially thoughtful or pleasant if she's able to do this and perhaps you ought to rethink your relationship with these people as they clearly have very different values from you.

ErrolTheHamster · 28/01/2016 19:07

It's cuntish behaviour from the birthday girl's mother and I'd make sure I had a much more fun activity planned for just us to do on the day instead.

No way would I tell my child they were suddenly only invited because a place became free through another child's illness and not because the birthday mother developed a conscience. Sod her, let the ticket go to waste, it's not your problem nor your responsibility to rearrange your subsequent plans.

In such a small group who clearly do many activities together, it would be all or nothing for me. Anything else is unfair and extremely hurtful to those intentionally left out. I can not stand unfairness.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/01/2016 19:07

Op

Does the woman have money worries?

If yes and she is on a tight budget then you realise her actions came from a place of sensibility

suchafuss · 28/01/2016 19:15

Its bloody mean to leave one out of a group of four, and yes if it was my child I would insist that the birthday treat allowed for all to go. No excuse to leave a child out like this.

Valentine2 · 28/01/2016 19:19

I think ask your DD. But don't upgrade the gift at all.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 28/01/2016 19:20

I think a lot of people are making assumptions in their demonising of the birthday-mum, calling her unkind and thoughtless and horrible. You really don't know that she thinks of this group as a tight-knit group of four in the same way that you do, facebook group or not. Perhaps she is friends with a whole variety of friends, or perhaps she is much closer to those two - you just don't know. It might have been deliberately leaving one out, and being cruel, but equally it might have been leaving several out, and having to choose the two the birthday child felt closest to. People's perceptions about how close a group is or not really do vary wildly, and one person saying that they are a tight group of four who do things together all the time might be matched by someone else saying that they're loosely friends, along with lots of others. Everyone sees things through their own lens and interprets the same situations differently. Best thing you can do is just assume that people aren't being deliberately cruel and unkind and unfair on purpose, and try to imagine that there is some other explanation out there that might be true even if you can't really understand it. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and it's easier to be at peace with things, even in the occasional instances where someone is actually being horrible.

madmotherof2 · 28/01/2016 19:24

I agree with other posters who said to not say anything.

It is hard for your daughter, but as others has said it may be that the birthday girl has a wider group of friends so in her mind hasnt just missed off your daughter.

Last year something similar happened to one of DS2s friends. One of their mutual friends had a party, that was number limited. The friend wasn't invited and it went down very badly with his mum as in her mind the child was one of her DS's best friends, and most of his friends were invited. However it was a case of the birthday boy having a larger group of friends, so many children weren't invited

2rebecca · 28/01/2016 19:27

Was just inviting 2 friends due to car space? How many friends my kids could take was always related to car space so if mum and dad and birthday girl that means only 2 friends.
If they were that close it's a shame birthday girl didn't ask to just have a meal and some DVDs at home rather than 1 of them miss out though. I think theatre/ cinema trips are rubbish parties as you hardly speak to each other.

2rebecca · 28/01/2016 19:28

I agree that the birthday girl maybe doesn't view the 4some as being as fixed as your daughter does. If she goes I'd upgrade the present.

lostInTheWash · 28/01/2016 19:34

See I would upgrade the present - one so my child wasn't embarrassed when/if they get opened in front of them and second to keep things nice and pleasant.

Then I tend to aim for cheap but doesn't look it anyway - book people and works were good for that with younger DC but harder now.

It would change my view of the parents and perhaps the friendship - while I don't interfere with who my DC are friends with I possibly might encourage more outside school stuff with other friends and family in the future.