To not want to go to a wedding when the invite has one of those stupid money beging poems in it

[bloated1977]

Apparently they think shopping is a pain so we can gratefully give them cash or cheques. AIBU to actually buy them a present?

Give them a money plant.

Its a gift that will keep on giving as long as they water it forever.

I don't get this coy "oh we didn't think you would want to get us a present so didn't give you any details about what we would really like, forcing you to ask us for it, when obviously no-one in the history of weddings has ever given anyone a present before" dance. I know it's not the Done Thing to include a gift list with the invitation, but this is one of those bits of etiquette that is truly nonsensical.

And to not want to go to a wedding because someone sent you a crap poem / asked for cash / enclosed a gift list is completely cutting off your nose to spite your face.

bloated1977 re Apparently they think shopping is a pain so we can gratefully give them cash or cheques. AIBU to actually buy them a present?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Presumably they are friends, or family, and they are asking for money because presumably they are living together already or already have all the toasters and gravy boats they need. You will get to enjoy some yummy food and fun, and you can contribute to something they will like as a gift. So do it!! Gleefully!

The poem is fine.

I can't understand why anyone would want to give people something they don't want and so would rather waste their own money rather than doing something to make their friends or family happy.

PLUS it's cultural, in China people put money in red envelopes for weddings, in Greece they pin the cash on the bride.

www.k-international.com/blog/wedding-traditions-from-around-the-world/

Most guests attending a wedding or even those who can’t attend but were invited, will still give gifts to the newlyweds, not out of obligation or duty but because they want to. Weddings and civil ceremonies are a milestone in a couple’s life that their friends and family are happy and honoured to share in. The tradition of gift giving reflects this."

www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-ceremonies/traditions-customs/invitation-etiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash

The link contains a beautiful Country Charm Wooden Wish Box from Confetti.co.uk and also lots of possible poems!

Sorry, Most guests attending a wedding is the start of a quote from Confetti website. So it should read " Most guests attending a wedding ...

What Alconleigh said.

We had one recently that started:

'More than kisses so far we've shared...'

Blimey, I've gone to the wrong kind of weddings, my own included. If ever a guest asked what they could bring, we always said yourself. We're not getting married for the gifts.
When my own DC have married, no one was asked or expected to contribute to anything - even the parents. The DC are adults, they know if they want something, they save up themselves. If they can't, then they do without. Isn't that what being an adult is all about?? Not, 'Ooh I've always wanted to go to the moon, it costs $$$$$$. So let's spread the cost between X amount of guests'.
I'm wondering if they have a figure in mind to start with, divvy it up to what's 'acceptable' and invite that many of guests? But then do they invite extras just in case someone from the first list can't make it?

BTW, YANBU to buy them whatever you like.

I can't stand all the pearl clutching about asking for cash. If gift lists are ok, why not a holiday fund? Cash has been de rigueur at Indian/Chinese/Irish weddings I've been to. And I've not been offended by cash requests at trad English ones.

Gifts lists are OK if you're asked for oi, not if you put it in the invite.

I was humbled at a wedding I attended last summer.
"No gifts or money please. If you feel you want to give something please put a donation to cancer research. We have everything we need"
The bride had cancer 5 years before. And the grooms father had recently died from cancer.

'PLUS it's cultural, in China people put money in red envelopes for weddings, in Greece they pin the cash on the bride.'

And because it is, they don't include tacky poems in the invitations, or have two-tiered weddings with a B-list for the 'evening do'. Never heard of a 'childfree' Greek wedding.

This is the UK.

mello exactly I completely agree

I can't stand all the pearl clutching about asking for cash.

I know. Who the fuck cares about manners any more? So old fashioned and stupid.

I get so bored by all these fogeys expecting "please" this and "thank you" that.

So yesterday.

Shaking down your guests for cash and "donations" and gifts makes perfect sense.

You want something, there is a cultural expectation of gifts.

What kind of nutter woukdn't just cash in?

(Ideally by asking for actual cash. God forbid one of the wankers you're buying a meal for actually choose something for you.)

If you like the B&G go. If you don't, don't go.

We asked for money so that we could choose some art for our house. A few guests chose to give us gifts instead and they were very thoughtful and remain special to us. A couple of guests painted us pictures in lieu of money to the art pot. They are very precious to us indeed.

I would lovingly cross stitch them a picture of a £50 note and frame it for them - for sending me a gross poem.

A straightforward request would get them a cheque.

If you're going to buy an awful gift to spite what was said in the invite then you shouldn't go, you clearly dislike the couple so just decline the invite so they don't waste their money on your meal, drinks and entertainment. Posting about wanting to spite the couple is much more crass and distasteful than the invite, which clearly states they don't need anything so don't feel obliged, they'd prefer cash but anything is gratefully received.

I think it's a bit rude to ask for anything. I don't really like invitations that come with details of an online gift list either. Personally I'd prefer to just receive an invitation with no mention of gifts. Then guests can decide for themselves or contact the couple/parents for ideas.

The poem is so naff. If someone is too embarrassed to ask for money without dressing it up in a twee poem, then they shouldn't ask at all. Do they really think people will believe it is to save them hassle? "Oh, they're so thoughtful accepting cash so I don't have to go shopping"

precisely non

must be exhausting having to manage that family member or friend who thinks everything's about them and their feelings. doesn't matter how something is written or phrased with some people, they would find something offensive in everything.

I know friends and my family..I know what their intentions would be and what kind of people they are. if I thought fir one second it was meant as a demand at gun point for more cash than i could afford, I'd not go.

the poems are tacky not I expect they are just an attempt at showing that they are easy going and not to worry about shopping etc if you want to give something give a donation if not don't worry.

far to often people miss the entire point of what's supposed to be a kind gesture or a friendly invite as they are too busy picking apart grammar or deliberately mis interpreting what's meant.

even when they bugger off abroad to avoid all this nonsense property get offended that it wasn't a big event they were invited to and how rude to use two people from a hotel as witnesses instead of inviting them....

Giles agreed

I seem to like almost all of your posts

must be exhausting having to manage that family member or friend who thinks everything's about them and their feelings.

Totally.

People can just fuck off with their "feelings".

I'm too busy and important to be arsed with that kind of shit.

Just come to my party, bring what you've been told, and be grateful for it.

And don't expect a thank you note either, you pearl-clutching throwback.

Bathtime why are you choosing to see it as rude rather than what it is, a request for something that would actually be helpful?

And someone's wedding isn't about anyone's feelings other than the B&G

Someone's wedding isn't about anyone's feelings other than the B&G

Obviously.

It's so crazy the way some people think that getting married is just a normal thing that people do every day.

No, it's so momentous and rare that all the normal rules of being a decent human are suspended.

There are only two people at a wedding - the B&G.

When will the other props stop fucking moaning and expecting to be treated as if they matter?

Gobshites.

Bathtime if weddings annoy you that much just don't go Jesus.

Someone's wedding isn't about your feelings.

I bloody hate those naff begging poems but I am LOVING the alternative ones on here!

I have actually had to talk my brother and SIL and a couple of friends out of using poems on their wedding invites as they thought it was a 'nice idea'. They make me feel all kinds of awful when I read them.

I am an awkward sod and if I give money I give it in the currency of the place where they are honeymooning or as a voucher and I like to be told what was bought with it (as we did when we sent out our thank you cards from our wedding!). If someone says that they want to get a new appliance or something big I'm happy to give money towards it if it's mentioned politely. A few years ago one friend hadn't said anything about gifts in her invite so I asked if she had a wedding list and got a curt 'No, we're just asking for money' in response... so I bought them a popcorn maker!

If you can't afford an expensive wedding and honeymoon you shouldn't expect your guests to pay for it just so you can have bragging rights.

someone's wedding isn't about anyone's feelings other than the B&G

I don't get this at all. Granted, I'm not married yet. Maybe I will turn into a "Bridezilla".

But it's certainly not an attitude I've come across often in real life. A wedding is basically a big party. Obviously it is very special for the couple. But I find it so odd the way some people seem to think the wedding couple don't need to give a shit about the guests' feelings

At any other party/event the hosts would want to make sure their guests were happy and comfortable. Why would that go out of the window when they get married?

Also the way people talk about paying for someone's food and drink. Again you'd do that at any party. It's part of being a host. It doesn't mean you should expect cash or presents in exchange. Otherwise you might as well sell tickets it's lovely if people give a gift, but it shouldn't be something that people feel they are owed.

Obviously I've gone off on a bit of a tangent as it's not so much about invitations/gifts, just general wedding attitudes.