to ask about bills split?

[Violenza]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my fiancé for 7yrs, we rent at the moment and split bills 50/50.

We are aiming to buy a house this summer.

We talked earlier and sort of made rough plans with regards to paying the mortgage. The mortgage will possibly be £1400 PCM, our rent is £575.

I earn £4/5000 a month, I'm self employed and my earnings are continually increasing each year. My partner earns £1900 a month, not likely to increase much, he gets a £6k bonus each year.

My AIBU is, I'm concerned about contributing so much more and the implications should we separate. We sort of said I would pay £900, him £500, split the rest of the bills.

Normally I wouldn't car but we have been 50/50 from the start at his insistence, when he was earning £1900 and I was at Uni and starting my business and had hardly any money due to redundancy. I'm a bit bitter about it still, and also worried I'm not protecting myself as much as I should. I've found him to be a little grabby in the past if he can get away with it, like forgetting to send me half shopping money until I remind him. He also spends a lot on stuff for himself, so isn't poor at all.

Also, he is an only child and will inherit his mums house one day, whereas my parents have messed things up and won't have anything to pass down. I feel like it would be unfair if I paid nearly twice as much on the house and then say he got an inheritance and didn't put it towards the house?

Can anyone help? Sorry it's long.

Please leave, you are worth so much more, you know you are. I was with an abusive arsehole, he never hit me but he made me so fearful and I used to dread coming home. It never started like that but by the end he used to tell me I'd ruined his life, that he would never date again because I'd destroyed his view of a happy relationship, that I was fat and ugly and had no friends, he tried to turn me against my family saying they were controlling and I couldn't do anything without their approval. He even called me a gold digger even though I was the one working full time and he would pick up jobs here and there.

I left him 18 months ago. Fell into another abusive relationship that people here helped me get back out of and I can honestly say I've never been so happy

I'm your age, Like you i had been in LTR my whole adult life, didn't think I could survive alone, thought being with a pig was better than the alternative. I will say I did move back in with my parents (I had to to pay off his debts) 18 months on the friends who mattered took me back, I have even more wonderful new friends who love me, I'm house hunting (I saved that deposit all by myself and that house will always be all mine) I am busy every evening and every weekend when I want to be but I can shut the door on all of it if I want time alone. I don't have a man, I don't want any old one, I may never be lucky enough to find the one or have kids and that does upset me but now I look back having them with him would have been such a mistake and would have ruined all our lives.

I'm telling you this as everything have said resonates with me. If I could just show how different your life would be, how much happier and at peace you will be, how you will wake up with a smile and not come home afraid of what will greet you you would dump his abusive arse straight away. Please do it, my future is mine and it's exciting you could have that too.

Great post Allby
So glad you enjoying life at last.
Well done!

Thank you everyone, it means so much that you have taken the time to post and offer me help and suggestions. I really do mean a lot, although it's not always what I want to hear I suppose.

I'm not too scared of being on my own short term, it's more the long term that I worry about.. short term I can get to the gym every day and build a new life, but I don't want that long term.

I think part of my problem is that I work from home, on my own. I feel like if I lived on my own and worked on my own, I'm limited to meeting someone. (I can hear you all thinking that my goal should be happy and not just a man), but it factors into my decision making.

We are planning on going for a mortgage agreement in June time, then looking for a house, so I have plenty of time yet to sort this out.

I'd feel terribly guilty just upping and leaving, although I can see that this would be my safest option.

I'm going to start making some plans in my head.

Thank you Allby for your personal view, it does sound very similar, and I'm also worried about another relationship that would end up being even worse! Well done to you, you sound very happy and you deserve that.

Thank you to everyone, sorry I don't answer to each of you individually, the thread moves so quickly, but I've read every single reply and appreciate them all. I know AIBU was very direct, and I wanted honest replies, I never expected it to be so definitive in it's solution, so that's given me a wake up call.

Sorry for spelling!

Life's is too short to be married to anyone regardless of finances who is willing to be disrespectful to you.

Marriage will not change his being an arsehole he'll probably feel more secure in doing so as it's not as easy as one partner just walking out the door.

I had one marriage fail as I didn't listen to the niggling doubts beforehand. My now DH has never even sworn at me and I'd encourage everyone to think really really hard about committing to someone who'd be willing to be abusive in any way, verbally, emotionally, physically or financially.

I could have written all your posts myself OP. I spent 8 years on and off with a man EXACTLY like this. It was only after I finally finished it for good 18 months ago, all my friends and family told me precisely what they thought of him and how worried they had been. When I bought a flat, my Dad even called my best friend to check I wasn't putting his name on the deeds. I was 47 at the time FFS.

Same as you, he had no friends, wanted to be with me all the time and regularly lost his temper and was first verbally abusive, then it escalated to physical. And boy, could he spend my money.

I thought I could 'fix' him. Men like this cannot be fixed. Get out now. Please.

I worked from home for years OP - and still managed to meet someone!

Your main goal now is to stop yourself from getting involved in long term arrangements with this man.

This advice from above as first steps is perfect:

• Buying all of the computer equipment your business needs.
• Moving all of your work equipment and records into a secure rental office space.
• Moving out and getting your name off the rental agreement.
• Avoiding all the crap that this man will throw at you in a bid to get you to take him back.

At the moment, he is letting you off in ways as you are not dependent on him and he knows it. As soon as you get a mortgage or pregnant, then the gloves come off. If you think it is worrying now, just wait until he thinks you have no way out.

He sounds like he's emotionally abusing you too reading your further posts.

I'm not too scared of being on my own short term, it's more the long term that I worry about.. short term I can get to the gym every day and build a new life, but I don't want that long term. build yourself a new and happier life and you won't be doing it long term, a confident, happy woman will be attractive to a man, sort your life out before you invite another man into it then the relationship will be on equal terms. Please don't settle for second best just to be with someone, the right person is out there waiting for the real you to emerge from the cloud he has put you under.

Good god, get out woman.

What the hell is an intelligent woman like you doing hanging around for the abusive arsehole for? His behaviour will never change, your self esteem will dwindle until you're a shadow. You have children with him and he'll turn on them somehow. Your life will get far far worse as you would probably end up being more and more dependent on him, therefore giving him all the control. And you can let him control you. But you must not let futurr children suffer too.

Get out. Safely.

As well as everything else, I think hes jelous of you, your friends & your family. He would be jelous of anything you did with/for your children.

Find a flat, move in when hes at work, you could go & visit your mum abroad, take weekends away with old friends.

The world is your oyster and you only get one go at it.

Thank you Allby for your personal view, it does sound very similar, and I'm also worried about another relationship that would end up being even worse! Well done to you, you sound very happy and you deserve that.

Only if you don't learn the lessons from this relationship and fail to identify red flags. The Freedom Programme would help enormously with that, and could potentially change your life. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I understand that you're concerned about meeting someone new, and working from home, you do need to make an effort to get out and about, join classes, hobbies, socialist etc, but 1000s of people meet online and go on to form healthy loving ltrs. It is possible.

He is jealous. He hates his job and thinks mine is great, even though I have to work a lot of hours, and being self employed I work some odd hours and never really relax to be honest. I tried to help him set something up, but he didn't like the stress, so that was that. He does work very hard in his job though, I can't knock him for that.

He said the other day that I was better at everything than he is, I said what do you mean? He said I can do everything better than him.. I wasn't sure what to say, I think he was complimenting me, or thought he was, but it seemed more like he felt sorry for himself that he was 2nd best. He says stuff like that, like he's in awe of me, but resents me too.

His mummy dearest kisses his arse, and I don't, so I think he finds that hard to deal with. Maybe if he was nicer to me I'd like him a lot more.

Thank you Twinkle, you've been so helpful with all of your posts.

I think I tend to look at the worst case scenario and work backwards from that, whereas I should be more positive really.

If you want to meet nice normal people and have a social life outside of working from home there are better options than staying with someone like this.

www.exodus.co.uk and a hundred other companies will run holidays that will take you somewhere special with largely other single people in their 30's who have zero interest in Club 18-30 style holidays.

Plan something nice just for you.

I was worried about the long term hence falling Into a second abusive relationship. Now I look back most of mine have been abusive in one way or another which is why I have stopped looking full stop. The right man will appear when you least expect it.

I just wanted to point out when you sort the short term and get "Yourself" back then the long term will sort itself. You will be so happy you won't need the added complication of a relationship (I honestly don't think i would have time to fit dating in now!) you are going to have to be more proactive to meet people because you work from home but that's what normal people (by that I mean people who haven't been head fucked into feeling worthless like we have) have to do too. Join clubs, pursue interests, take up an evening class, volunteer, post on mumsnet local, whatever it takes. I found the running community to be the friendliest and then volunteering.

You could try networking events related to your business they would be a great first step, then maybe an evening class in computers, both business related but with the opportunity to meet new people. You know you're a nice person, you keep telling who you used to be, she is still in there, hidden away.

Sorry haven't had a chance read the whole thread. We very much share money but this is equal treatment which you haven't had.

You can jointly own houses in two ways. You can own it in such a way that you own 2/3rds and him 1/3rd. It wouldn't mean he had to pay more than he has and if you stay together it won't really impact anything, but if you did split you would end up with a greater share of the house. A good compromise?

Thank you for that link tread holidays were the thing i was worried about. Now I'm saving for Vietnam. That company looks amazing

OP, please listen to the unanimous advice on this thread....

I was in a relationship like yours. There are dozens of similarities. These are all things that you've said about your relationship, which were exactly the same in mine:

• he calls you names
• he says you're too fat, but doesn't listen when you diet, and buys you chocolate. I had the opposite - I was very very skinny, and he would question every mouthful of food - but similar outcome - keeping you down
• he doesn't trust you
• despite you not setting a foot wrong, you feel he's waiting for you to let him down (and no doubt he lets you know when you do)
• you aren't happy
• you worry about being tied financially
• you trust his motives less and less
• you used to be outgoing, but he has isolated you from friends and family
• he doesn't like anyone
• he says nasty things to you, and then minimises them (it was a joke, he was sad)
• he makes himself into the victim - everything is your fault
• he uses things you told him in confidence against you
• he is anally clean and you have to shower before and after sex

I could go on. It feels like it's the most difficult thing on earth to end a relationship like that - because you are worn down, exhausted, tired. He has put you there, that is where he likes you to be - especially as you earn well and are clearly very successful - what a threat that must be to him.

Please get hold of a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, and read it. Don't let him see it though. It turned my life around. It contains sections on how to get out safely, how to ask for help, how to rebuild your life after abuse.

The thing that turned it around for me wasn't even seeing what he'd done to ME. It was seeing what he COULD do to my children. I didn't want them to grow up thinking this was normal - and there is of course the risk that they will learn that this is how a relationship works, and so continue the cycle. I didn't want my children to a) be massively unhappy in an abusive, critical home, and/or b) grow up to treat their future partners in this way.

Please don't buy a house with this man, OP. In fact, my advice would be to safeguard your business equipment as fast as you can, and then just walk. Go stay with a friend, family member until you can rent your own place.

You're welcome Allbymyselfagain. I did the High Inca Trail a few years ago with them and it is one of the best holidays I've ever been on. We had such a laugh too.

The other thing is British Military Fitness - it's all over the UK. The nature of the exercise is very bootcamp with lots of teaming up for exercises. I know lots of single people who go and it has a really good social life attached with weekends away being organised etc. I don't know anyone who meets anyone down the gym !

OP right now you are in a FANTASTIC position - not married, no kids, no jointly owned house.

Leave him. Leave him NOW without a second look behind. This will be the best thing you ever do.

He's emotionally abusive and you can do so much better. If he's like this now, think how much worse he'll be when he's 'got you' married and locked into a joint house.

OP look into getting a desk in a co working space - you can get desks oretty cheaply. That way you are in an entrepreneurial environment with other people day to day.

I cannot say strongly enough that your initial lack of confidence in sharing your finances because of his grabbiness and ungenerous nature is a terrible sign. My ex started with using my credit card without permission and ended with wholesale deceit to screw money out of me (with lots of unpleasantness along the way).

If you feel uncomfortable, get out. And don't let anyone tell you what to do - other people who don't live with him or split bills with him or whatever may have an entirely different impression of him. You know best so trust your instincts and do what you think is right. Don't worry about the consequences.

I'll leave the relationship advice to others. My thought is that even if he was the most wonderful person in the world, and you already had children with him, you still should not marry him. The divorce rules are hugely unfair to the much higher earner, it would make no sense to make yourself potentially subject to them.

50:50 usually isn't a good system when there is a huge disparity in income. However I think you can justify it on the basis that you will save all of your extra income (in ISAs or pensions in your name only) so that you both have the same disposable income. Your get to keep your savings for yourself, and he gets to keep his inheritance.

Looks like the way the thread is going, the relationship suggestions are going to make the financial ones redundant. I should have read it properly first.