to ask about bills split?

[Violenza]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my fiancé for 7yrs, we rent at the moment and split bills 50/50.

We are aiming to buy a house this summer.

We talked earlier and sort of made rough plans with regards to paying the mortgage. The mortgage will possibly be £1400 PCM, our rent is £575.

I earn £4/5000 a month, I'm self employed and my earnings are continually increasing each year. My partner earns £1900 a month, not likely to increase much, he gets a £6k bonus each year.

My AIBU is, I'm concerned about contributing so much more and the implications should we separate. We sort of said I would pay £900, him £500, split the rest of the bills.

Normally I wouldn't car but we have been 50/50 from the start at his insistence, when he was earning £1900 and I was at Uni and starting my business and had hardly any money due to redundancy. I'm a bit bitter about it still, and also worried I'm not protecting myself as much as I should. I've found him to be a little grabby in the past if he can get away with it, like forgetting to send me half shopping money until I remind him. He also spends a lot on stuff for himself, so isn't poor at all.

Also, he is an only child and will inherit his mums house one day, whereas my parents have messed things up and won't have anything to pass down. I feel like it would be unfair if I paid nearly twice as much on the house and then say he got an inheritance and didn't put it towards the house?

Can anyone help? Sorry it's long.

Sorry so many typos but it's emotionally abusive partners annoy me so much as I've experienced it myself

You'd be incredibly silly to settle for this - and for what? Don't let inertia keep you in a shit situation (one which sounds like it can only get worse, at that).

To compare, DP has been the main earner over the last three years, and while he hasn't been earning much (minimum wage, basically), everything has been shared. I'm now on a very long degree and will vastly out-earn him as soon as I'm done, and everything will be shared then too. With zero resentment from me. As long as both partners are trying to pull their weight, everything should be shared, IMO. Which is why I don't think you should stay with this man. He only wants to share when it's someone else doing the sharing.

Can you clarify what you mean by this? I think it may be important.

He's threatened my job, my work equipment, all sorts..

OP, have you thought of getting some counselling to have a think about why you are putting up with this? Also a 7 year and 8 year relationship? If I'm right, that means you have been in LTRs since you were 17 years old. Right?

Maybe time to be single, work out what you want, work on your business and find yourself. Buy yourself a house.

oo crap, I missed that bit, Mumof - just gone back and seen that I cross-posted with that post from the OP!

Violenzia - get out Now. Seriously. This is not the man for you. Unless you want to be on here in 5 years time, with one or two children, wondering how in hell you escape from him and how you're going to cope with letting him have them for access visits - get away.

The sort of man who threatens to take away your livelihood will also, quite likely, be the sort of man who will threaten to take away your children, one way or another. The sort of man you absolutely do NOT want as a father to your children. You do not want to be tied to this person AT ALL. Not financially and certainly not by having children with him.

He is shit. And A shit too. Not worth a moment more of your time. :(

If you happen to buy a house and don't want to dump him, then buy a cheaper house in your name only, so you can kick him out when you want to.
Make sure you don't receive any money from him that could be seen as contributing towards the mortgage.

But... you could get pregnant at any time and then things will get complicated, as you'd have to decide on a termination or never getting rid of him.

Considering all you say about him, I'd dump him asap. And double up on contraception until then.

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I'll try and answer what j can remember.

Okay the threatening stuff happened because he gave me his old PC that he doesn't use, then every argument threatens to take it back, even though it runs my machine and would cause me problems. He says he will damage my machine.. Says he will 'dob me in' to the authorities, for what I don't know as I pay my tax etc and he's got nothing on me.

In an argument he won't leave me alone, goading me, saying nasty stuff.. I pushed him out of my office once because he wouldn't leave and I felt trapped and I was sobbing. He fought back and somehow I scratched his neck, he ran off in delight, "look at what you've done, I'm taking pics, that's abuse!", he now uses those pics against me, saying he will report me. I just wanted him to leave the room, he was saying stuff like "I'll be a shit mum", "my mum left my dad to get away from me", (parents split when I was 12).. He will use anything against me, things I've said to him in confidence.

Like I said, he's not as bad now, but it'll flare up again for no reason.. Part of me almost hopes it does so I have an excuse to leave.

The abusive stuff happens less often now I earn more, but that's probably because I can leave easily now.

Obviously he has his good points too, but I'm starting to see how this is all on his terms. He even used to go off in a huff if I wanted to watch the apprentice on tv, he's not as bad now, but you can see he thinks he can watch hours of football and wouldn't like me watching something..

We went to a concern recently and there was a child sat next to him.. We both said how sweet it was that she knew the words etc.. As we were walking to the car he said, I'm surprised they let kids in , with the alcohol and swearing etc.. And I said yeah, but I guess it's no different to kids going football. (He's a season ticket holder). Well, off he goes "you've obviously got a problem with football, I knew it".

Now he's been going football since way before I knew him, I don't care, I like the day to myself to watch tv, catch up on extra work etc... He has no reason to accuse me, I'm so laid back on the subject it's unreal. But he insists that I have this problem with him going football, or football in general...? I even watch it in the week and work on my laptop, so his thought process is way off..

Anyhow, my post must be huge by now..

Sorry , we went to a concert*

Contraception.

We have never, in 7yrs had sex without a condom.. He is so ridiculous about it that we never even have impulsive sex, and we always shower before and after. Not something I've done with my ex at all, quite the opposite.

I guess he sees women as out to get him, or trick him.. It's getting a bit old now though, tired of it.

I've tried talking about it all but he doesn't want to change and so nothing changes.

He is a nasty piece.

I do thnk you should leave him and I urge you to be very careful then.
From what you reported he could me making life very hard for you and even turn violent.
In addition to earning more you have probably learnt to shut up and keep the peace with him, which is why his abuse is not as frequent.
He is still the same abusive man, though.
I'd advise you to line up a place and move without warning him

Get out, get out, get out.

But carefully. Is your business at your house or somewhere you can secure it? If the latter, change the locks on the doors. If the former, consider renting a small office or desk in shared space.

Can you buy a second hand PC on eBay, they are not much vs your income? Transfer everything to it quietly.

You're not painting a very nice picture of this person and I reckon you can do better and should LTB.

If you stay with him stick to the 50:50 arrangement and put £2k per month into a joint account along with his salary and set your lifestyle expectations to fit a household income of £4k per month. Invest the rest in your own name for now. as and when any kids come along you'll have this put aside for when you want to reduce your working hours and pay someone else to keep the business going. If any is left over when you go back to full time work you could put some of the money in the kids names (potentially with a deed of trust for when/how they can access it). Because a relationship with a person like this only has a chance of working out if you are financially equal so you need to level things off between you somehow.

He sounds awful and to be brutal it sounds as though you are staying with him for the convenience of having a 'partner'. if you feel like this before you are married there is very little hope for a loving, caring, equal relationship.

My advice would be get out now - you are clearly a successful woman, enjoy your success on your own .

In addition to earning more you have probably learnt to shut up and keep the peace with him, which is why his abuse is not as frequent. He is still the same abusive man, though.

The above is very true. Also he knows he's onto a good thing at the moment. You are a wonderful meal ticket and he doesn't want to lose you. He's got to keep his behaviour to a certain level or you will walk. Once you are married and have kids however... Things can only escalate from here.

He doesn't respect you or treat you well. Please op, you are in a good position to leave now. Do you really think he will be content for you to have all that extra money/autonomy when you are trapped with shared finances and kids.

It's inevitably going to get worse. Run now.

Is this honestly how you want to spend the rest of your days OP?

He gets worse with every post. How awful he wants to make things difficult for you re your work. That is the lowest of the low. Nasty man. He will hate it when you end it. You are too good for him.

Yes buy a flat on the quiet. Move the business and then you without letting him know. I think he has the potential to become very nasty if he thinks his golden goose is leaving! Please OP get some counselling for your low self-esteem and then get away!

Wtf op! Get out of there!

If for some reason you cannot leave do not buy a house with this man. Regardless of how much you earn he should be going out his way to support you not trying to tear you down.
If you must buy then you should buy fully in your name even if it means a cheaper house. He can pay rent!

He sounds horrible. I wouldn't want to share anything with him. My husband has never called me names. Why do you want to share your life and money with this man?
Bringing home chocolate when on a diet is just manipulative behaviour although you could change your eating ande exercise habits and not tell him and if you wanted to stick to the diet you'd just put the chocolates away for a while.
In general I'd be looking elsewhere though. I've never had a man speak to me the way your partner speaks to you. It doesn't sound as though he cares about your happiness enough, it's all about him.

I would get out now. Do NOT enter into anything financial with this man.

At the moment you can just walk away and get a house on your own. You have a good job, no children to hold you back, and youth.

If you marry him, get a joint mortgage and have children together then you will be tied - and any issues down the line will be many, many times more difficult to deal with.

It is better to be single and happy with your lot rather than tie yourself up in knots like you are doing now.

You are only 32 - you have loads of time ahead of you - time to have children, find a nice partner and have a happy life. Don't feel that you have to cling on to this one. Truly.

Good luck OP.

Op please reread this thread as you sound very unhappy and unsure about him. What ever you do i wouldnt buy a house together at the moment. Keep renting for the moment. What does your gut say about your relationship. Re the bills if you were happy and knew you were going to be together all money in a joint account and all bills etc from that. That mean you be paying more but you a couple working towards the same aim....a happy life together. If you decide to buy a house you do need to see a solictor as the amounts are uneven re buying the house. If you married whats his is yours and whats yours is his and that includes his parents house and your wage.

Second time in two days...RUN.
This man has no redeeming features. He's absolutely awful. Don't tie yourself to him in anyway. Financially or by marriage or children, get out while you can a) walk and b) afford to.

Sorry to clarify there is another threat where the partner sounds awful but op is pregnant with his child so I also advised her to run.

Just read your 7.03am post today.....leave op. Make your exit plans, protect your interests and leave.

You absolutely should not settle for this. This is no trade off for a fear of being lonely. He will ruin your life if you let him.

I am a decade older than you and my 2 acquaintances who stayed in relationships similar are now really paying the price, post kids. As soon as you marry him and/ or have kids you become exponentially more vulnerable to his moods.