to ask about bills split?

[Violenza]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my fiancé for 7yrs, we rent at the moment and split bills 50/50.

We are aiming to buy a house this summer.

We talked earlier and sort of made rough plans with regards to paying the mortgage. The mortgage will possibly be £1400 PCM, our rent is £575.

I earn £4/5000 a month, I'm self employed and my earnings are continually increasing each year. My partner earns £1900 a month, not likely to increase much, he gets a £6k bonus each year.

My AIBU is, I'm concerned about contributing so much more and the implications should we separate. We sort of said I would pay £900, him £500, split the rest of the bills.

Normally I wouldn't car but we have been 50/50 from the start at his insistence, when he was earning £1900 and I was at Uni and starting my business and had hardly any money due to redundancy. I'm a bit bitter about it still, and also worried I'm not protecting myself as much as I should. I've found him to be a little grabby in the past if he can get away with it, like forgetting to send me half shopping money until I remind him. He also spends a lot on stuff for himself, so isn't poor at all.

Also, he is an only child and will inherit his mums house one day, whereas my parents have messed things up and won't have anything to pass down. I feel like it would be unfair if I paid nearly twice as much on the house and then say he got an inheritance and didn't put it towards the house?

Can anyone help? Sorry it's long.

' Things have settled down a bit, but every few months his inner prick comes out for no reason and I get called all sorts.. He's threatened my job, my work equipment, all sorts.. Of course, I gets sorted out and we move on, but each time I trust him and his motives less and less.

I used to be out going, but not anymore.. He doesn't like anyone and doesn't want to entertain my family/friends, so I miss out too.

Gah, it sounds shit because it is shit.'

Get the fuck away from this person. Don't buy a fucking ice cream with him, much less a house.

He's abusive. This will never change.

I had my first when I was 32 and I was willing to go it alone if need be.

There are plenty of people who go it alone. You don't need an abusive person in your life, ever.

STOP looking for a house.

Look for a place for you.

This is a losing game for you.

He doesn't properly love you OP, he can't because no man who loves his partner would treat her like this - absolutely no way.

He sounds controlling, abusive and vile. You need to walk away which I think you already love.

This is toxic, not love.

Step 1) buy another PC/computer 2) hire out some IT support for it all 3) lease office space or a two-bed flat for you 4) when he goes out, pack your stuff and leave.

He is abusive.

I guess in a way I have stayed because of having a partner and not being on my own. My family don't live locally, but I do have a best friend that is my rock.

I'm not even sure I want kids anymore, the stress of it all seems so much. But, I do think that's because he brings an added stress to everything.

I know deep down it isn't right. I just don't seem to have the motivation for the upheaval, and I am worried what he might do if I leave.

Marriage isn't being talked about, despite being engaged, and I've all but ruled it out in my head anyhow. He has no friends and doesn't like his family, apart from his mum.. and my family are split up all over the place, so I don't even want a "wedding" as such.

Last year I think it was, we had an argument, maybe it was October 2014. In the argument I said I was disappointed we weren't engaged, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted marriage etc (but then later always back tracks, so I never know what he truly thinks, or what he wants me to believe). So I said that I did want marriage and kids, and if he didn't then he needs to tell me so I can decide if I want to continue. He assured me he did want it and said in the next 6 months he will ask me.

Nothing happened, the 6 month deadline was getting closer and I was getting more and more upset about it. Finally in June, (just after my birthday, where I was leaving it to give him the last chance to do it), I brought it up again and asked what was happening, was he planning to do it on our holiday or something? He said he hadn't planned anything and didn't remember saying he would. So I was infuriated, I'd been waiting this whole time, I guess it was the broken promise, the fact that I'd told my mum and sister that it was happening in the next 6 month and they were asking..

Anyhow, we went on holiday in July, 6 weeks after that discussion. A few days before we left an eBay parcel turned up and it said "ring" on it, or felt like a ring box, can't remember. He proposed with it and said it's not my real ring, just for the proposal.. but he'd even left that until the last possible moment.

I can't help but feel frustrated and angry, and I've done nothing to deserve it all. I just don't know where to start, so much has gone on.

You say that if things flared up again it would be an excuse to leave.

Every single nasty thing that he has said & done to you previously is a reason to leave. Dont allow him to keep adding to the long list.

You say your not sure about starting again with somebody,

You dont have to be with anyone for years & years, enjoy your life OP. You could buy or rent a lovely place on your own, or share with a trusted friend.

Life should be so so exciting for you, youve worked so hard for this.
If my DD had written your posts, it would break my heart.

Lastly you say:

Part of me feels that he doesn't deserve me

Absolutely 100% please please, listen to your instinct.

Sorry, this was after a couple of previous "what do you want" discussions where we agreed on marriage and nothing happened.

'But, I do think that's because he brings an added stress to everything.

I know deep down it isn't right. I just don't seem to have the motivation for the upheaval, and I am worried what he might do if I leave. '

Do the Freedom Programme.

You're right. About everything.

I only have one friend left now.. he sort of bad mouthed everyone else to the point where I thought what he said was right.

He even caused such a fuss over my mum staying over (she lives abroad) and would stay for a night or two, that I fell out with her over it as it was all causing me stress from both sides and I withdrew as I felt like I was trying to please everyone else but myself.

I was always a positive person, not always 100% happy in life, but now I feel negative, withdrawn and introvert. His personality is rubbing off on me and I hear myself saying negative things, or judging people negatively, whereas when I look back at clubs I've been in etc, I never had any personal conflicts or negative emotions really.

Life is too short to waste anymore of your precious time. That is all.

Now you've opened this bag of worms you're not going to be able to get them back in again. Everyone on here has agreed with that little inner voice you've been hearing and confirmed that you must listen to it.

Please make plans to extricate yourself. Start small; buy that pc so you are not dependant on him, and take baby steps at first. Re read your own posts. It's not good reading. What would you advise someone in your situation to do? You have no choice but to get out really and you know it. Now it's just a matter of girding you loins and doing it. It's frightening. Better the devil you know, and all that but you are in such a good position to do it now. The later you leave it the harder it will be and with a mortgage and kids, you will be trapped.

Violenza you seem to be sleepwalking into a really quite unpleasant life with a really quite unpleasant man.

I don't know what it will take to wake you up, as someone said, perhaps the Freedom programme?

It sounds like you are just not yourself any more, ground down, giving up on the idea of kids, friends and seeing your mum- all for what? A man who doesn't think you are that special, and only proposed when you nagged at him for months.

You are worth a heck of a lot more than this, I'm sure your friends and family must be really dismayed.

I don't know what it will take- all your excuses in your head, it's too hard to change, I'll never find anyone else- are just that, excuses as you are young enough to have a happy life without him dragging you down that little bit all the time.

Don't buy a house with him.
Don't marry him.
This is not a good relationship, sorry.

Walk away while you still can. He was happy for you to struggle financially but not now he will be the one earning less red flag financial abuse also isolating you from friends emotional abuse which is a crime under the new domestic violence law swearing and being generally vile also is a big red flag. I may have missed it but has he been physical yet?

It's already bad OP you need to leave before you are even more downtrodden.

And there is loads of support here for people who are looking to leave abusive relationships. You are in the right place.

He is isolating you from your family and friends. This is textbook abuse.

If you already have a voice in your head saying "engaged but don't want to marry", don't take further marriage like steps by buying together. If you aren't ready to leave yet, just extend your current lease, give yourself more time.

Petals, I think he has threatened to destroy OP's work stuff.

I agree with others that you should quietly make plans to leave expats 4 step plan looks good.

Seek financial advice re how much you can borrow re housing and for your business costs.

I hope you haven't got a joint account for saving for a deposit. If you have, take your money out and put it in one in your own name.

I know deep down it isn't right. I just don't seem to have the motivation for the upheaval, and I am worried what he might do if I leave.

It depends on how you do it. I once just packed all my stuff into my car and drove off, and it took 10 years for the place to be sold [he wouldn't take my name off the mortgage even though I filled the forms in and delivered it to his house - so I took him for half the profits in the end.]

Anyhow.

I am ill today but have come downstairs from my sick bed to post this cycle of abuse. I read this on my ipad and just had to come down and post it from the main computer.

They all threaten things that they think will HURT you.

You could easily apply for your own rented place with that income, pay down a deposit and whilst he is out for a day, get a person with a van to help you box up and unload all your stuff. Buy a PO box and get all your post sent there [a form at the post office will sort that]. If it is his computer that is running your business, then take it and deal with the resulting crap later. Worst case scenario, take it to an expert, with a new computer, and get them to transfer the programs running your business to the new computer and give him back the old one.

If you really want to get out, and you should - I think this thread is your first baby steps - then there are ways and means to do it.

There are many ways to deal with the bills situation. You mention dividing the mortgage 900/500 and equally splitting other bills. But if you are going to jointly own the house (need to decide on this - joint tenants vs tenants in common) I think it makes more sense to equally split the mortgage and then contribut to other bills according to means - by having a joint 'bills' account you each pay into.

To be honest what you have said about him being emotionally abusive / accusatory about your attitude to cash in arguments, not wanting to docialise etc suggests you have more to work out than exact division of bills.

I've got a horrible feeling that if he got the sense that you were going to leave him, he would try and cripple your business by messing up the pc, bad-mouthing you to clients or trying get the HMRC to investigate you.

This relationship isn't for you for many reasons but the crux is that he's completely selfish and you're not

You deserve better

The computer thing is just more a hassle than money if you see what I mean, it has the software installed on it that the engineer did when he installed it.. I could sort that out, it's just I'm so busy and have been avoiding it I suppose. I use 3 PC's for the business, so I could manage if I had to, or just go buy one, they are only £500, it's not a £3k Apple one or anything.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post the cycle of abuse, it's very enlightening. I guess I just don't see why people would hurt others for pleasure, or get a kick out of it.. I'd like to think they wouldn't, but we all know that's not the case.

I think I'm stuck in a fog really, I'm so close to things I want, my own house, getting a new car and maybe having kids, I feel that if I don't find someone "better" then as crap as it is every few months, it's better than nothing. Which I know is stupid, but that's my fear I think.

When I lived on my own before I had a huge group of friends, and we shared a lot of them through a hobby we did.. hence why he could pick away at them behind closed doors, and I just didn't realise it at the time, I didn't recognise what he was doing. I also had a job I liked in retail, working with people I got on with, so I was very social and independant, and was dating my BF at the time. I got made redundant in the May, decided to apply for Uni that year, and started in Sept, moved in together in October.. looking back I think he thought I would meet someone at Uni and took the plunge. Even then, the discussion of moving in was because he was crying down the phone about his mum having a go because he was out visiting me a lot and I guess she tried to make him choose. It wasn't because he wanted to, if that makes sense. He ummed and ahhhed about it even then, so I said, look I'm at Uni, if we move in it's now because I'm not being messed about when starting my degree.

I got a 1st at Uni, worked so hard in the evenings whilst he was asleep on the sofa, and went Uni in the days and built up my business. He didn't offer help, and a couple of time we had arguments late into the night when I had an exam the next day. When I graduated he didn't get me a card or gift until my mum, sister and Grandma had, and I guess he felt like it was obvious then, so then he did something. It's always a last min thought.

Saying that, he is very generous and thoughtful at Xmas and Birthdays, so that doesn't fit. He's funny, will clean both our cars at the weekend, keeps the garden nice, washes up every night, doesn't leave a mess everywhere, will try to cook if I ask him to, doesn't pester for sex if I say I'm not in the mood.. he does have these good points that keep me here I guess.

But he's also very in my face, he paws at me a lot, and I like my space and would rather he wasn't so attention seeking. Sometimes I think having kids might take some attention away from me, which would be nice, but I know that's an odd thing to think.

I'm not sure he even see's what he's doing, I think it's how he was brought up considering his mum is odd as well.

Anyhow, I'm waffling.. the main thing is, I have options right now, and need to decide what I want.

& I'm going to upgrade the PC that is "his", so he can't go on about that anymore.. or at least have another one ready and waiting should he disconnect it and hold it hostage or something.

I am worried what he might do if I leave.

This is exactly why you should leave. You just need to plan it carefully.

It can be done, as others have explained. Do not let him on at all, though.

We share no accounts, nothing. He's very good at saving, but is also secretive. I came across a statement about 4 yrs ago that said he had 30k in his ISA, he's more open now if I ask, but never mentioned that beforehand.

Vita - yes, he would try to hurt me any way he could. He's said as much in an argument.. basically, you are hurting me by arguing, so that gives me a right to say/do whatever to hurt you back. Even though I have never name called him or threatened him etc, just tried to argue to frankly ridiculous argument. The argument always starts by him saying something shitty to me and me saying don't talk to me like that, then it escalates and he throws any old shit into the mix.

It's all about control and maintaining self esteem. He needs control over something and probably increases his self esteem from putting others down, including you.

I'd guess he is controlled to some extent by his mother, which is why he needs to control others (but could be wrong, of course, and it doesn't matter the why, just that he does it).