to ask about bills split?

[Violenza]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my fiancé for 7yrs, we rent at the moment and split bills 50/50.

We are aiming to buy a house this summer.

We talked earlier and sort of made rough plans with regards to paying the mortgage. The mortgage will possibly be £1400 PCM, our rent is £575.

I earn £4/5000 a month, I'm self employed and my earnings are continually increasing each year. My partner earns £1900 a month, not likely to increase much, he gets a £6k bonus each year.

My AIBU is, I'm concerned about contributing so much more and the implications should we separate. We sort of said I would pay £900, him £500, split the rest of the bills.

Normally I wouldn't car but we have been 50/50 from the start at his insistence, when he was earning £1900 and I was at Uni and starting my business and had hardly any money due to redundancy. I'm a bit bitter about it still, and also worried I'm not protecting myself as much as I should. I've found him to be a little grabby in the past if he can get away with it, like forgetting to send me half shopping money until I remind him. He also spends a lot on stuff for himself, so isn't poor at all.

Also, he is an only child and will inherit his mums house one day, whereas my parents have messed things up and won't have anything to pass down. I feel like it would be unfair if I paid nearly twice as much on the house and then say he got an inheritance and didn't put it towards the house?

Can anyone help? Sorry it's long.

He doesn't pester you for sex but does paw at you?

He "tries to cook if you ask him"?

I really feel for you, he's ground you down so much, your self esteem must be in tatters. It's also worrying to hear you say you are concerned what he will do if you leave. Are you worried he will be violent?

Have you told your best friend any of this stuff?

When you lived on your own you had a lot of friends says it all.

He has the option of moving back in with his mother!

My best friend knows yes. He will say the same as you, and said he will help me move if I need it.. but he has his own family to worry about, so I don't like to go on about it.. plus, I've said I'm going to leave so many time it's a broken record now and I'm embarrassed.

The funny thing is, I'm very confident in a lot of ways, I guess I'm guilty of just going with the flow, or excusing his bad behaviour on stress or just a clash of personalities. It was just the talk of the mortgage and other things that are making me see it all a bit different, and I want to protect my money. I don't see it as "family" money as that's never how we have worked.

I think yes, it's all control in his mind. He's always accusing me of being controlling, a money grabbing gold digger, no friends, no-one likes me etc.. but all of that is just not true for me. I mean, when he says it, it doesn't make sense at all as I've always been popular with friends, never taken anything from him.. I think he's talking about himself tbh. I've never done anything remotely controlling, so if he's talking about himself in some warped way, then that must mean he's the money grabber?

He's never been violent (yet), but will get in my face, and has once tried to stop me leaving the room. I guess a lot of domestic violence escalates when the person feels like they are losing control, and me leaving might tap into an even nastier side of him? That's what I worry about.

He may be not doing it deliberately. Maybe it was how he was brought up. That may be why but it doesn't excuse it and you shouldn't put up with it.

Take steps so that he can't sabotage the business and don't mix your financials. If you think he is a product of his upbringing and you think it may be within him to change then it might be worth relationship counselling, but tbh I think there are too many issues and it sounds as if it is too ingrained in his personslty. Up to you but don't use fear of the Unknown stop you from living a decent life.

If he thinks so little of you, why is he with you?

Answer: he doesn't. He just wants you ground down.

Xpost.
Just get out. You will be fine, nope more than fine on your own. Try that freedom programme that people talk about.

Yes, I've heard abusive men like to grind down women who are intelligent or successful.

He is a lot better than he used to be, so can he change? Well that's the problem, even if he does it's more the trust issue, I don't think I'd ever completely trust him really because I know what he's like.

Oh dear, he is very controlling. Ok so picture this, you in your own flat or house, total control over your own life, who you see and when, what you wear, eat spend your money on, having friends round, taking up a hobby or some exercise, coming home with no worries or fears or uncomfortable atmosphere, no walking on eggshells... sound good? there is nothing stopping you having this sort of lifestyle, except him. Deep down you know he is not the one for you and NO he is not better than nothing, don't demean yourself by thinking you have to have a man in your life for any reason. get out, get your own place and your own life, you are obviously successful in your own right and doing well, you owe him nothing. A happier more content you will get on with the things that really matter in your life and a happier you will certainly be attractive to the right person you have plenty of time to find a happier life, the right person will enhance that when the time is right and probably when you least expect it. embrace this opportunity to live your life for YOU.

I think I'm stuck in a fog really, I'm so close to things I want, my own house, getting a new car and maybe having kids, I feel that if I don't find someone "better" then as crap as it is every few months, it's better than

You're close to the things you want because you've worked for them and you've come to that stage in life. The only thing that's standing in your way of getting everything you want is this man.

Please look at the Freedom Programme as posters have suggested.

Saying that, he is very generous and thoughtful at Xmas and Birthdays, so that doesn't fit. He's funny, will clean both our cars at the weekend, keeps the garden nice, washes up every night, doesn't leave a mess everywhere, will try to cook if I ask him to, doesn't pester for sex if I say I'm not in the mood.. he does have these good points that keep me here I guess

These aren't 'good' points - they are normal in a normal relationship.

Ok - try this. If you got your own place, would you start a relationship with him if you knew what he was like?

He tried to stop me leaving the room. I guess a lot of domestic violence escalates when the person feels like they are losing control, and me leaving might tap into an even nastier side of him? That's what I worry about.

Quite rightly. Ending a relationship is one of the key flashpoints of escalation of abuse. Pregnancy is another.

The best solution would be to formulate a plan and get out without him knowing you're leaving. Perhaps find a flat share with someone else for the short term.

He may well be a lot better now, but, as I've said, it's probably because you are tiptoeing more around him, and, as you said, because he senses you could leave more easily if he pushes it.

But, as soon as you become more dependent on him, or more vulnerable he will certainly become nastier again.

My best friend knows yes. He will say the same as you, and said he will help me move if I need it.. but he has his own family to worry about, so I don't like to go on about it.. plus, I've said I'm going to leave so many time it's a broken record now and I'm embarrassed.

Ok time to get your head out of the sand. Time for action. You know damn well what you've got to do.

I have to echo what every pp has said. You deserve so much more than this.

we had arguments late into the night when I had an exam the next day

This struck a chord - I had an abusive arse of a boyfriend years ago and this was one of his tricks. I didn't realise it at the time, but before any and every important appointment I had (job interview, anything that would improve my life) he kept me up the night before arguing, so I was incapacitated the next day. Didn't realise it at the time, it's a strategy to keep you down.

He too, like yours, hates women.

Please, please listen to your instincts. Your relationship is so full of red flags I don't know where to start but others have pointed them out to you.

You know, deep down, he's a nasty piece of work.

Make a plan so you can leave quickly. Then do it. Be happy.

OMG!! WTF are you doing?!!
You are a successful woman.
Why oh why oh why are you putting up with this abusive arsehole?
The more you write the worse it gets.
Please, for the love of god, get rid of him.
Do NOT buy a house with him or consider anything at all.
Just get rid.

I suggest (as did a PP) that you contact Womens Aid - do it today!!!
You need to do their Freedom Programme fast.

None of this is OK.
Everything he does is abusive.
Please get away.
I can't stress this enough.

Back out of the house purchase today. Look to why you put up with this and think it's the best you will get.
Wow - just WOW!!

Wrong thread sorry!

It sounds as though the floodgates have opened now and you are realising what kind of man you're involved in.

You have so much going for yourself:

• you clearly have a great personality
• you earn good money and your money is separate from his
• you can afford to just get out quickly
• you're not married to him
• you don't have children with him
• you have a great friend
• you're capable of making great friends
• everyone you know will be glad when you leave him
• you will be able to have friends round when you live on your own
• you will be able to express yourself when you live on your own

There isn't anything I can say in favour of you staying with him. Not one thing.

Time to leave, OP. Time for you to be true to yourself.

I'm loving the Dermablend interlude

OP - this is such a sad thread. Please listen to previous posters. Your issue is not the one you posted about at all. Plenty of people get married / buy houses with huge differences in income. They don't do it with partners they fundamentally mistrust and are afraid of upsetting. What happens when he behaves like this to your son or daughter or teaches them that this is a normal adult relationship. Don't sleep walk into this sort of situation.

OP you sound lovely, don't let yourself be ground down by your DP. You deserve better from a partner - as others have said look at leaving him and not telling him where you have gone as it sounds like he could get nasty.

Your obviously clever and successful and don't need to live the way you are - get out now.

You know in your heart that this man wants to destroy you.

He has already destroyed your friendships and your confidence, and your relationship with your own mother.

He regularly threatens to destroy your personal and professional reputation, and the equipment you need to do your work.

He is trying his damnedest to destroy your financial independence, while fleecing you for every penny he can drain out of you.

It can't last. You can either escape now while you still have your independence, or you can allow him to break you before either you manage to escape, or he ditches you for the next woman to leech off.

As first steps, I'd suggest:

• Buying all of the computer equipment your business needs.
• Moving all of your work equipment and records into a secure rental office space.
• Moving out and getting your name off the rental agreement.
• Avoiding all the crap that this man will throw at you in a bid to get you to take him back.

Just to add - you said the attention might move from you to kids if you have any with him.

don't have kids with him

You will do all the work
He will likely be abusive to them too
You will be linked to him forever!!!
He will threaten to take them away or turn them against you in order to hurt you
He will interpret you giving attention to children as you neglecting him - and have yet more rows and escalate abuse further.

I'm fortunate. I've never been a victim of any abuse be it physical or psychological. But a DV poster that I see in hospitals makes me think of what you said about birthdays and Christmas.

"it's okay and he makes up for it with presents"

If you told your parents about this man and all what you have told us here, what would they say? OP it sounds like you've made realisations and some truths. I would start carefully plotting your exit. Your friend offering to help is probably no bother to him. And he would rather keep you safe. Leave and try and rebuild your bridges. We see so many threads on here where women (and men as it happens to them too) are left with nothing physically and mentally. Please don't let that be you.

Don't go down the cohab route. Go down the "do it alone" route. Find someone who deserves you. Marriage is companionship and team work, not one exercising superiority over the other. You sound smart and intelligent and like you don't need him. He likely needs you and it sounds like he's trying to make you totally dependant on him emotionally.