to ask about bills split?

[Violenza]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my fiancé for 7yrs, we rent at the moment and split bills 50/50.

We are aiming to buy a house this summer.

We talked earlier and sort of made rough plans with regards to paying the mortgage. The mortgage will possibly be £1400 PCM, our rent is £575.

I earn £4/5000 a month, I'm self employed and my earnings are continually increasing each year. My partner earns £1900 a month, not likely to increase much, he gets a £6k bonus each year.

My AIBU is, I'm concerned about contributing so much more and the implications should we separate. We sort of said I would pay £900, him £500, split the rest of the bills.

Normally I wouldn't car but we have been 50/50 from the start at his insistence, when he was earning £1900 and I was at Uni and starting my business and had hardly any money due to redundancy. I'm a bit bitter about it still, and also worried I'm not protecting myself as much as I should. I've found him to be a little grabby in the past if he can get away with it, like forgetting to send me half shopping money until I remind him. He also spends a lot on stuff for himself, so isn't poor at all.

Also, he is an only child and will inherit his mums house one day, whereas my parents have messed things up and won't have anything to pass down. I feel like it would be unfair if I paid nearly twice as much on the house and then say he got an inheritance and didn't put it towards the house?

Can anyone help? Sorry it's long.

I just don't know if I want to start again, you read some horror stories of dating etc. just burying my head in the sand I suppose, but the resentment I feel is huge.

I'm overweight too, which means my confidence is at an all time low. As soon as I start a diet he brings home chocolate, my fav foods etc..

Sorry, I've gone a bit off topic.

Does he now. So he makes sure your confidence stays low by feeding you when you're trying to make some effort to reduced your weight. I bet he tells you you're lucky to have him too, and maybe he even tells you that not many men would still want you at your size? Or implies it?

You can't marry someone you resent, by the way. You just can't. It's a complete waste of your life to do so.

I didn't start off resenting DH, but I do resent some things now and it's poisonous to the marriage. I have told him, but now the resentment is more about how it doesn't seem to matter to him, which feeds the resentment cycle even more.

Don't do it.

He's very insidious about it.. He knows I'm quite a confident person in a lot of ways (believe it or not).. In arguments he will say stuff like "look at you, you're an embarrassment", and similar, but he can always use the excuse that he was upset.

He's not academically bright like I am, but he's very crafty I've noticed.. He knows what he's doing. To my face he's all sweetness and kisses.

Of course he loves you! Sorry, but he sounds like a wrong 'un. Be strong.

You don't have to make any decisions at the moment, but it sounds to me that you don't really want to be tied to a man who's so consistently proven himself to be selfish and willing to sabotage you.

At the very, very minimum, please don't buy a house with him until you've had some counselling and are sure you can move past the resentment.

I need to really think about it all. The negatives are outweighing the positives.

It's not so bad atm, I'm sharing bills etc and can walk away, won't be so easy when I've bought a house with him and that's why I've started to panic I guess.

He also doesn't like anyone! The only person he doesn't bitch above is his mum, and I've not seen her in about 4 yrs as she seems to hate me for some unknown reason.

He also left home at 32 to move in together.. So she thinks I've stolen him. She's also all smiles but has not once spoken to me directly. Jeez, what a life huh..

I was with my ex for 8 yrs and his family was normal, our home life was normal, so I know this isn't right.

Don't do it. Please. Tell him to buy his own property or invest in another way, keep your finances separate.

You may not listen to me OP, but at your own cost. I'm just being supportive. You can be together without joint finances?

An option might be to buy a much cheaper house and stay at 50/50.

If we split, would it be simple to sell the house? Without a divorce can you force the sale of s property? Even with divorce it took my mum 3 yrs to get my dad to sell, he pulled every trick in the book. I don't want that.

OP, you know this is an abusive relationship. You know it. Why are you setting it up so he can financially abuse you, too?

When you were a student he made you pay half of everything, but now you are earning double what he is, you should pay proportionately? So heads he wins, tails he loses?

He has isolated you from friends and family, hates everyone except his mummy to whom he is a little prince, sneers at you over your weight while doing his level best to increase it, and generally treats you like crap. And yet you are engaged to him, and considering buying a house?

Why not look for your own little flat? Your income is presumably high enough for that?

I was 'meh' until you mentioned sabotaging your diet.
Listen to your inner misgivings.
Go buy your very own little house. Yourself. It may not be total fun being single, but it's a shedload more fun than being married to a controlling grabby jerk.

Wombat I think you and dp are in a trusting relationship whereas I don't think OP is, and shouldn't be.

Can't sleep here reading this. Lots of alarm bells. I woulnt buy with him not because of the % even if you were the lowest earner still to many flags to get tied up financial with this guy.

Buying your own smaller place sounds like a good idea, you could play the self employed not fixed income card to buy some more time. But really it dosnt sound like you love him and he didn't sound like he loves you. As for calling you an embarrassment unless your drunk and flashing your knickers in the street then pretty much a deal breaker for me.

Do not buy a joint house with this person.
Either buy one by yourself and get him to contribute as a lodger would, with no hold on the house (do NOT marry him) and get it sorted by a solicitor so it's all right and tight; OR let him buy his own place and you live there as a lodger.

Keep going with your positives vs negatives - there is nothing worse than being tied to someone whom you resent and who treats you like this one does (well there is of course, but there's no point voluntarily entering this situation).

The thing about "starting again" is that you never know who or what will come along - but if you're tied to this idiot, you'll never get a chance at anything better. Far better to be single and your own person than married to this one. :(

• So heads he wins, tails you lose?

Sorry, sorry. My name is not unearned!

The thing about "starting again" is that you never know who or what will come along - but if you're tied to this idiot, you'll never get a chance at anything better.

This. Also... you want kids, and you are in your 30s now. Would you want this man as your own dad? Wouldn't you like their dad to be someone stellar?

Nicely put thumb

Price your ears OP.

Duh prick your ears OP. no pun intended

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

Op that is your instinct talking, and your heart, and your gut and everyone here who can see all the red flag banners waving even if you don't...yet

This man has shown you what he is and he's someone you should run walk away from asap because it is shit living with an abusive and controlling twunt who sucks the joy out of life and prevents you from becoming all you can be.

Alternatively, buy a property in your sole name, split the bills for utilities/council tax/internet/tv etc 50/50, and don't accept any money from him that could be construed as payment towards the mortgage or maintenance on the property.

Do not marry him unless you have prenup in place and do not have dc with him unless you can afford to pay for a nanny or other inhouse childcare that will enable you to continue running your clearly successfu business.

Please ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships, Violenza, as you need to break free of this man's toxic presence in your life.

I think the key point for me is that you say you instigated the engagement. That's a big alarm bell to me. I think other posts here mentioned that you should divide the finances according to percentage and not according to how you two earn. Mention this to him clearly and see his reaction. A person who has the promise of a house from his parents should not be grabby with the love of his life. I would not marry him if he refuses to the arrangement like this.

DO NOT INVEST ANY MONEY WITH THIS MAN (etc) as above.

Goddes, you nailed it

This sounds very familiar
Please ditch him op you really don't need him can lose weight without buy your own house find w more deserving man trust me

I've been there now 1.5 stone lighter and doing great.. Confidence back bought my own place, career moving forward looking for a new man now