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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

278 replies

thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 19:11

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

OP posts:
fabrica · 25/01/2016 08:54

I'm not sure how much it matters if dhr did invite herself.

Well of course it matters. You don't invite yourself to stay with people, it's extremely rude. If the OP has invited herself and she's putting out her cousin and her partner financially then I can understand asking for a contribution.

OP. Have you actually been invited by your cousin and her partner to go and stay with them? Or have you just decided to go and visit and assumed this will be OK? Why are you not answering this question?

WizardOfToss · 25/01/2016 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolovesTubbyCustard · 25/01/2016 09:02

I think I would just book into a hotel.

Say that you have decided to stay in a hotel, so that I don't get under your feet, or similar. It's obv a small apartment if there is only the sofa available for you.

For what it's worth I wouldn't dream of charging any one to stay for 3 nights- unless, as said previously they have had a load of freeloaders. If you were planning to be there for 2 weeks or longer - then maybe a share of bills etc would be fair.

Find a cheap hotel nearby, meet up with your cousin and her partner. Take them !

Enjoy Paris.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 25/01/2016 09:02

Oh gosh, how terribly awkward. I really didn't expect to be a burden. I am looking forward to seeing you and meeting X. The flight is costing an arm and a leg and I am very grateful not to have to pay for a hotel on top of it. I would be happy to come to the supermarket with you when I get there and go halves on the shopping for the weekend. It sounds like my visit is causing some stress and for that I am sorry.

TwistInMySobriety · 25/01/2016 09:03

Tell you what OP, you can come and kip on our fold-out for free if you babysit for a night Grin

PolovesTubbyCustard · 25/01/2016 09:04

I messed up my post.

I meant to finish with : Take your cousin and her partner out for drinks/meal or something. Be the generous person. It might rub off on them.

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 09:08

Thats not how invites between family work in rl though is it? You dont send out formal invite cards. Ops initial post says 'we finally decided on a date'. Come on, we all have friends and family. You know it doesnt work 'formal invite' then 'formal acceptance'. It works 'be lovely to see you' 'been ages' 'hey are you free in feb?' 'Sounds great'

LaContessaDiPlump · 25/01/2016 09:13
MamaLazarou · 25/01/2016 09:16

My guess is that the cousin and her partner are horribly skint and are too embarrassed to say.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 25/01/2016 10:12

Thats not how invites between family work in rl though is it? You dont send out formal invite cards. Ops initial post says 'we finally decided on a date'. Come on, we all have friends and family. You know it doesnt work 'formal invite' then 'formal acceptance'. It works 'be lovely to see you' 'been ages' 'hey are you free in feb?' 'Sounds great'

As I said in my post though - it could be a case of the cousin saying 'come over sometime', and the op has just booked tickets without confirming dates, taking it as an open invitation. It's not like they live 15 mins apart anymore, and the op can just 'pop by'. It's a lot different having someone over in your tiny flat, using it as a 'base' for three days just becasue you live in a nice city. It does require more planning beyond 'oh I've finally got tickets, I'm coming over' 'oh yes that's totally fine'. I live far from family, I'd be pissed off if they 'told' me they were coming over, as opposed to asking me if it was ok.

Of course, like I previously said, if the op and her cousin planned these dates together, then the whole 'pay to stay' matter came up after, the cousin is being rude. It does depend on the fact - were you invited, OP, or did you invite yourself.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/01/2016 10:17

fabrica, that may not be how it works for you, but for everyone I know, it's totally normal to 'invite yourself' for close family members.

It's not 'extremely rude' to ask to your parents/sister/close cousin if you can spend a weekend at their house.

Movingonmymind · 25/01/2016 10:20

That is crap. But not unusual my tightarse sister did hard sell on us staying in her hol cottage w our baby (it was far away and had no baby kit and unsafe stairs) - gad thought she was being nice as we were dirt poor then but no only was she going to charge us but no discount either! Ditto aunt. Some Family can be crap. Others generous - my cousin has put us up ehen in dire straits.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/01/2016 10:21

And yes, as a guest, you do make contributions that go towards offsetting the expense of your visit: bring wine/cheese, take the host out to dinner, buy takeaway, leave a gift, etc.

What you don't do, as the host, is ask the guest for cash.

SirChenjin · 25/01/2016 10:25

Of course, like I previously said, if the op and her cousin planned these dates together

The OP said So we finally decided on a date - which indicates they both agreed on the date.

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2016 10:37

You don't expect food. How will that work? Are you planning on spending much time with her, or are you out each day sightseeing. Are you expecting her to eat out with you 3 times a day?

All this 'making a contribution' stuff is fine but guests are expensive and few contributions come anywhere close to covering that cost. If I lived somewhere where people wanted to use my home as a crash pad, I'd be tempted to charge.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 25/01/2016 10:39

We finally decided on a date doesn't have much context. It could be after days of planning, or the op could have said she was now going to visit and the cousin felt she had to oblige (or maybe thought/hoped the op would book a hotel like previous family, hosting in a small flat sounds a nightmare). Sorry, something just feels 'missing' from the whole thing, not many close family members would bill other family for a visit - there are three reasons I can think of. Cousin is peeved off and feels put out by visit, cousin is skint or the partner is behind it. My gut says the first one, of course this is just pure assumtion on my part.

SirChenjin · 25/01/2016 10:44

I'm going to accept what the OP says at face value - they finally agreed on a date - otherwise it's all conjecture. Either way, agreeing on a date which then enables the guest to arrange travel and then asking for money is way off - that should be part of the original conversation where you agree dates/times etc.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/01/2016 10:45

How are they so expensive? Seriously?

My coisin regularly visits for 1 or 2 nights at a time. I'm paying for, what, a few extra showers' worth of hot water, some muesli or toast for breakfast, and an extra dinner or two? In return, I get her company (which I enjoy), treated to brunch and/or dinner out, and usually some chocs or wine.

I find it really depressing to think of doing a mental balance sheet where she 'cost' me 20 dollars or something. [confused

And before someone says it, no, no, I'm not at all wealthy. I just don't choose to live my life begrudging a few dollars to family.

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2016 10:56

-Extra utilities (it adds up if you regularly host, and some people are very generous with other people's hot water and heating)

-Extra food. Generally, you don't just dish up beans on toast three days on the trot.

-Entertainment. OP is spending a few days in Paris. Presumably she's expecting her cousin to join her on days out, so that's transport, food on the go and entrance fees which again add up (France is really expensive, Paris doubly so ime)? Alternatively, she's not expecting to spend any time with her cousin, in which case cousin is probably a bit pissed off at being a crash pad.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/01/2016 11:02

I think if it 'adds up' that much that you can't afford it, the solution is to make polite excuses about how you're not available for overnight guests.

Charging them up-front is just not done - particularly family! At least, where I'm from.

SirChenjin · 25/01/2016 11:03

Extra utilities and food - yes, but you generally accept that cost when you agree to host (and hope that the guest will take you out to dinner or visit the supermarket)

Entertainment - conjecture again.

Either way, it's best to agree any costs at the planning stage as opposed to presenting someone with a bill (if you're incline to present relatives with a bill)

MoonDuke · 25/01/2016 11:08

I agree that a one-off visit isn't that expensive but when lots of people visit you it soon adds up.

I had to start telling people that I wouldn't be taking holidays days off when they were here (to their Shock) so to please include a weekend in their visit, and after going up the Eiffel Tower 3 times in 6 months (expensive and repetitive) I also started saying no to some trips or suggesting I join them afterwards.

This doesn't seem to be the case with the OP though (although we don't know how many guests have come over for the DP).

Thing is, until the OP asks her cousin, we're just speculating. Maybe she isn't welcome. Maybe she is but they're skint. Maybe by contribution they meant "please buy a bottle of wine for one evening meal".

RhodaBull · 25/01/2016 11:11

I don't know where I've gone wrong.

When we lived abroad were constantly entertaining family members and taking them to sights/out to dinner. Pil in particular didn't put hands in pockets for two weeks (I am still steaming about this 20 years later...).

If we have visited people we always take them gifts, take them out to dinner etc; wouldn't dream of expecting them to push the boat out.

I think if one does live in a desirable location entertaining guests does start to wear a bit thin. Not the food bit, but some people have expectation that in case of say, Paris, you are going to want to go up the Eiffel Tower for the seventeenth time that year, and generally act as a tourist guide.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 25/01/2016 11:11

agreeing on a date which then enables the guest to arrange travel

Travelling is one thing, was it agreed the op was staying with their cousin from the start though? That's the issue I'm mainly querying. The cousin could well have been expecting the op to book a hotel when discussing a visit.

MoonDuke · 25/01/2016 11:17

But I also agree that I wouldn't ask for money.

I'd just quietly seethe if no contribution was offered at all.

Or if I was being used as a crash pad with no intention to spend any time with me at all.

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