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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

278 replies

thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 19:11

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

OP posts:
BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 08:01

Lljkk that did make me laugh. Its a sofa. You can get a whole bed for £15 on air b n b - just looked as I was expecting prices in diamonds judging by some posts :)

lljkk · 25/01/2016 08:03

I didn't say 20 euros a night...
but yeah, if OP prefers to pay £45 to strangers in less convenient location for seeing her cousin, fair enough.

isthismylifenow · 25/01/2016 08:06

I would just assume that she is a bit short of cash at the moment and doesn't want to come out and say it.

Maybe she is wanting to get extra stuff in as you are going to visit and doesn't have the means to do it. She wouldn't have mentioned it to you at all if it wasn't an issue for her surely.

StrangeLookingParasite · 25/01/2016 08:08

Therefore it's not usual for you to ask for money. That doesn't make it that no one does!

diddl you might want to look at the consensus on this thread. Asking for money, especially from a relative, isn't usual, and for a lot of people, it's offensive.
As I said, we've had both friends and family stay here, and absolutely never would I ask for money.

lljkk · 25/01/2016 08:08

hmmm... I can't find AirBnB for under £24/night. That was first 1/2 term weekend. But includes breakfast. And no idea how dodgy the neighbourhood is (lovely Paris dodgy neighbourhoods)

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 08:08

God i'd be ditching the cousin n getting a hotel in a more convenient location for actually seeing paris. She can always meet up in town for a coffee and a chat

Jux · 25/01/2016 08:09

Inwould email back saying something like "of course I expect to pay my way, you know I'm not a freeloader" hoping that that will remind her who I actually am and our previous relationship. I, too, think this is her partner talking.

Did your mum and grandma expect her to pay for everything (except the hotel) when they visited?

ovenchips · 25/01/2016 08:13

OP I read that the PP wrote 'close' with its speech marks only to show they were quoting your word from a previous post.

I would find paying for 3 nights on my close relative's sofa too much to bear really. We just don't know why she's asked for this (most likely explanation is partner IMO) so I guess choices are try to discuss it with cousin and reach an arrangement that you can both live with, or cancel trip/ stay elsewhere.

What a shame to be planning a nice trip with a much loved relative and then have the rug pulled from under you.

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 08:15

"It's not usual to be asked for payment to stay with a relative."

"Come on now, of course it is."

Of course it isn't. It is very unwelcoming and tight, especially if the accommodation consists of a sofa and no food.

"Something odd is going on behind the scenes for such a horribly gauche exchange to be taking place. OP, I am sorry your happily anticipated trip is being tainted with this."

I'm inclined to agree with this.

"My experience as host was that I far preferred visitors who would make a cash contribution"
"I have always made a 'donation' of some kind when staying with extended family. Usually a gift/clothes for kids/ paying for an evening out/ tickets to an event etc. Usually in the region of £100 or so."

The only visitors we get are close friends and family. I would be insulted if any of them offered money to stay with us. I am not a hotel.

On the other hand, when the three of us visit MIL we always buy the food and take her out for meals. She is 86, is on a meagre pension and has alzheimers.

GnomeDePlume · 25/01/2016 08:16

I can see both sides to this. We lived abroad for some years and had many visitors in that time. While we were always pleased to see people and made them welcome we did find that some guests were better at being house guests than others.

DPiL were experienced house guests and were great. They understood how having two extra to feed/house could impact on a domestic budget. They didnt do the wine/flowers/takeaway instead they would insist on paying for a grocery shop. They would also offer a night's babysitting to allow DH and I to go out for an evening.

DM was not as good at this. She would make the 'grand gesture' of paying for a takeaway but would keep her purse firmly in her pocket when it came to day to day things. She was also far less keen to babysit.

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 08:21

Gnome the OP has pointed out that they don't get many visitors. I still think it is tight to offer a sofa and no food and still ask for money.

AppleSetsSail · 25/01/2016 08:21

Totally cringey. Have you responded yet OP?

diddl · 25/01/2016 08:23

"How often did you visit each other before she moved to Paris?

Never - because we used to live 15/20 minutes from each other."

Presumably you mean that you didn't stay over, not that you didn't visit her?

Maybe the cousin is pissed off that no one bothered to visit until she had her own place & the possibility of staying with her arose?

But there's not much you can do other than talk to her or get your own place.

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 08:25

Perhaps, i didnt try dates. Although i dont think op has said? Plus of course if you are going at peak times you book early for cheap rates - unless you already have a place to stay of course!

Hulababy · 25/01/2016 08:26

Were you invited? Or did you invite yourself?
Is it a visit to see them, or a visit to see Paris?

It is NOT usual to ask visits to contribute financially when you invite them to stay with you, in my experience. No one we know would ask for money. But, people are invited rather than asking to stay and it is a visit to see the people, not the place. And visits are replicated by each person.

Visitors normally take wine/chocolate, but nothing big time. Meals out (and sometimes takeaways) are generally split but the host normally provides some meals in the house too.

I would feel very uncomfortable accepting money for accommodation and food (bar a takeaway/meal out) from a visitor.

2rebecca · 25/01/2016 08:26

Surely even if you lived 20 minutes away you'd still visit her as in visit her house/ go round each others houses for meals, go out for a meal together. It doesn't have to be staying overnight. Maybe if you've never stayed overnight or even seen that much of each other in the past and even her mum doesn't stay overnight (if she's been in Paris 3 years it's more surprising her mum has only visited her once and chose to drag along granny which meant she couldn't stay with her daughter when she did so). Maybe the mum realises her daughter and partner don't like having guests stay.

LaContessaDiPlump · 25/01/2016 08:27

Another one here who thinks it's weird. Has your cousin shown signs of being tight frugal before this? I'd never accept money from family (or offer) but I'd happily buy or accept a takeaway.

Is this a British thing? Most of my Arab relatives (and European friends) would be horrified at the situation the op has described, viewed from either side.

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 08:27

Either way its pretty cheap still of course, not priced in rubies diamonds or gold, amazingly, and its still unbelievable to actually ask for cash. She may as well just air b n b the sofa

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 08:29

It is in no way a british thing!!!its horrific

Mouseinahole · 25/01/2016 08:29

I find this really strange. I would never dream of asking a guest for a contribution nor of offering money if we were staying with someone. Yes to taking her and her partner out for a meal but not money.
Now you have booked I guess you'll go but it will be awkward I think.

GnomeDePlume · 25/01/2016 08:30

Bunbaker, does the OP know that the cousin has had no visitors or just know which of her family have visited? The cousin has a partner, perhaps they have had issues with the partner's visitors. Perhaps they have been warned by friends to put some sort of price on a bed to avoid them being the constant host.

As ever with Mumsnet we only know what the OP has told us.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/01/2016 08:39

It's just so tight. Yanbu.

MoonDuke · 25/01/2016 08:41

How old are you/she?

My oldest friend came to stay several days with me in Paris in my tiny flat I shared with DP. I didn't ask for money and wouldn't have dreamt of doing so, however, it did grate that she bought paid for NOTHING. No presents, no food shopping, no drinks, nothing.

I did all the cooking and shopping (as well as working FT as I was on probationary period and couldn't take time off). She spend all day everyday shopping until we quite literally couldn't get into our cupboards etc. because of all her bags!

To be honest, I wouldn't have been so annoyed if she had at least said thank you. But she never did Sad

I put it down to her age and immaturity but DP was most unimpressed and not keen to repeat the experience.

Maybe they've had a similar experience with friends of her DP?

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 08:43

Gnome she said that her mother and grandmother have been to visit but stayed in a hotel, and that she hasn't had many visitors herself.

I have no idea whether the partner has had many visitors though.

AppleSetsSail · 25/01/2016 08:52

MoonDuke I gather most of the people on this thread have endured rude house guests, it doesn't follow that the solution is cash donations but rather more carefully screened houseguests (presumably the OP would clear the hurdle).

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