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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

278 replies

thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 19:11

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 25/01/2016 00:13

This is one of the maddest things I've heard and that's saying something

I wouldn't dream of charging a friend or rellie a few days on my sofa, my sis is here often and one friend at least once a month

I don't earn much but just....no.

Why did she invite you if she planned this? She tells you after you book your flight?

If you can afford to stay in a hotel or B and B then do that, at least you'll have a bed to sleep in. But tbh I'd be so annoyed I'd have to talk to her about it.

If other people had been using her place to crash, which I see they haven't, it wouldn't matter anyway because asking the OP to pay, when she's been invited, is just taking it out on the wrong people. It's not like OP said "oh I fancy a visit to Paris, can I kip on your couch".

Honestly my mind is boggling.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 00:20

I agree with everyone who says your cousin's girlfriend/partner/wife is behind this. In her email, she said "it's awkward but after discussing this..." Discussing this with whom? It's got to be with her partner, hasn't it? Unless her landlord has gone all snitty.

I'd reply and say, "Do you really not want me to come?"

KoalaDownUnder · 25/01/2016 00:23

Utterly weird. And rude. Of course you don't bloody charge family for a sofa bed for a few nights! Shock How tight would you have to be?!

I agree that it has to be her partner driving this.

kali110 · 25/01/2016 01:09

I would never dream of asking for money from family or friends for staying in my house, especially not for 3 days on my sofa!
Whilst at uni my mate stayed nearly every weekend, sonetimes when j wasn't even there. I never asked for any money from him. We were friends, i loved having him over ashe was great company!
I wouldn't take money from anybody either.
I wouldn't turn down a takeaway though, but i would never make them feel like they need to offer.
When i have people over i usually have things in that i know they like.

Damselindestress · 25/01/2016 01:10

She's got a cheek charging you for accommodation when you don't even get a bed! I'd rather check into a cheap b&b. It would be more reasonable for her to ask for a contribution to groceries but I don't think that's where she's going with this. She should have discussed costs before you booked flights, rude to spring it on you when she thinks you're stuck. I'd look into alternative accommodation.

dangerrabbit · 25/01/2016 01:24

Has she always been this tight or just since she got with her DP?

dangerrabbit · 25/01/2016 01:25

Personally I would thank her for the offer but tell her I have found a better deal on air bnb.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 25/01/2016 01:30

I wouldn't charge anyond in these circumstances. However, I disagree with those posters who seem to think family should never have to contribute when staying with relatives. Having had my sister and her family of four to stay for 8 days over Christmas, I found myself getting very resentful over their failure to contribute anything towards the costs. I wouldn't have expected or wanted cash, but a few bottles of wine wouldn't have gone amiss, especially as they drink a lot.

nooka · 25/01/2016 01:58

I would have thought the normal etiquette for guests would apply, so you bring a nice gift for the hosts who look after you. The longer you stay the more generous the gift. A bottle of wine if you are going to a dinner party, something more generous if you are staying for a while. Visiting from England I'd expect to bring along something missed by your cousin.

Christmas hosting is different because of the expectation of feasting, which is of course more expensive and stressful. I'd expect to bring some of the feast, plenty of the booze and help with the cooking/clearing up.

OP are you using their house as a base or staying with your cousin, just not sure how a three day visit won't involve any eating!

threewords3 · 25/01/2016 02:26

Thats really bizarre, I've lived in Bermuda and Bangkok, and have had so many people come and visit over the years. I would never dream of asking them for money. Yes, I have to run an extra A/C unit a lot more as visitors are not generally used to the heat, but it's cost them money to travel, so alls fair.
Generally, guests arrive with gifts, as an acknowledgement of the extra costs and efforts of hosting, that's enough.
How weird of your cousin.

NightWanderer · 25/01/2016 04:43

I think bringing a gift, picking up groceries, taking your host out for dinner, are all pretty standard. Billing family to stay on your sofa is just rude and awkward. I wonder how much they expect?

Atenco · 25/01/2016 04:48

Well I consider when someone goes to the trouble and expense of visiting me, the onus is on me to show them a good time and treat them as an honoured guest.

I'm another one thinking it is her partner, and women can be abusive too.

Tram10 · 25/01/2016 06:22

Not normal at all, would never even consider taking money from guests, We don't expect contributions to food nor to meals out. However, most of our guests will bring presents for the kids, a bottle of booze for DH and I, and pay for a meal out, at least once.

Your cousin sounds like she is not happy you are visiting, or maybe her partner is not happy you are visiting and is putting pressure on her !

Alternatively, hate to ask this, but would you consider yourself tight? Could she be worried that you are one of those people who will come and expect to be put up, fed and entertained without ever spending a dime in return, (Have had one or two of those visitors in my time !!) and therefore pre-empting any possibility of that.

Think you should reply with the email suggested a few posts back.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/01/2016 07:03

I did hear recently about landlords charging tenants £10pn to have guests. I can't imagine that's legal in the UK (under most tenancies) but might it be the case in France?

Throwingshade · 25/01/2016 07:14

What I find completely flabbergasting is that there is actually a percentage of replies on here that don't think the cousin is being unreasonable!

In my world (I'm knocking 50 and have many, many friends and family) I've never heard of anyone asking for a contribution for staying with family.

The only thing is that she might be going through something you don't know about.

I'd bedirect and say: 'I'm sleeping on the sofa for three nights and will of course pay my way with food and drink. I am taken aback that you want an upfront financial contribution. I wouldn't ask you for this, or any guest. Can you explain? Is everything ok?'

lunar1 · 25/01/2016 07:20

I think I'd just book a hotel or cancel altogether. You can't charge family or close friends in these circumstances.

fabrica · 25/01/2016 07:27

My guess is the OP has invited herself. OP has your cousin actually invited you to stay? You haven't answered this question and several people have asked. I bet you've contacted her and asked to visit (or informed her you will be), haven't you?

KoalaDownUnder · 25/01/2016 07:36

I'm not sure how much it matters if dhr did invite herself.

My cousin lives 6 hours from me, she's not hesitated to ring up and ask for a bed for the weekend. I wouldn't dream of saying, sure, but you'll have to pay 'a contribution' !

Tiisha · 25/01/2016 07:38

Perhaps your perception of "close" has diverged from hers and you never got the memo. Get an Airbnb place instead or you wont enjoy the break, you wont know if they feel you are imposing and it may even cost you less.

eddielizzard · 25/01/2016 07:51

i would be finding somewhere else to stay. tell her you don't want to impose.

she might be in dire straits but i think it's very unwelcoming to charge someone for sleeping on the sofa. maybe she's thinking you will eat her out of house and home? otherwise all you'll be costing her is a higher water bill.

JohnLuther · 25/01/2016 07:54

I'd never dream of charging guests family or friends, how tight and grabby must you be to do that Shock

I'd say thanks but no thanks and then book a hotel, at least you'd get a bed.

lljkk · 25/01/2016 07:55

A lot of people would be delighted to have a free sofa in Paris for even one night. I wonder how many other people have asked to camp on that sofa. I imagine I'd offer 20 euros.

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 07:57

Nothing wrong with op suggesting a visit.

BombadierFritz · 25/01/2016 07:58

How much is a room in paris? People are making it sound a fortune of gold and rubies

BathtimeFunkster · 25/01/2016 08:00

I would just book a hotel and arrange to meet up with her.

No way would I be trying to figure out the appropriate level of "contribution" expected to sleep on the sofa of people who obviously didn't want me there.

If I couldn't afford that I just wouldn't go.