to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

[thelifeofamber]

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

Ask how much she's expecting from you, if it's on par with a nearby hotel book that. If it's just a token contribution, hand it over.

If she lives in a tourist destination maybe she has had enough of a string of visitors overstaying, eating her food, using her electricity and water.
It's unreasonable of her to tell you now and not when you first discussed it. She probably doesn't know that you are not planning on eating with her either. If I had guests I would expect them to eat breakfast at least and possibly dinner.
Sounds like you need to actually talk to her. It's unusual to ask for money but not unreasonable.

Although I would never ask for money, I can see where she is coming from.

I live abroad and have a LOT of visitors. I love having people to stay but it is a lot of work and extra expense.

Getting the house ready, washing bedding and towels etc, airport runs, having extra snacks and wine in and the there's the day trips, lunches/dinners out that I wouldn't do normally.

My favourite visitors are the ones that come with wine and offer me a place to stay when I got back to the uk!

Just email back saying ok how much do you want? Or book into a hotel.

It does sound tight but like people have said, I imagine she has people regularly taking the piss.

She lives in Paris, I am guessing that you arent her first visitor.

No her mother and grandmother did. But they stayed in a hotel as our grandmother is disabled and the apartment would not have been suitable.

Thats it.

I would be straight with her If you are 'close'. Just ask her why she is charging for a visit and how much . If you really are close, she will tell you. that she is living with a financially abusive man who demands receipts for everything,

Why are you saying "close"?

And she definitely does not live with an abusive man. Her partner is a woman for a start.

I never understand people like that. When we have visitors, we never expect a financial contribution, I don't run a B&B, visitors are just guests! It's always nice when someone gives you a thank you gift, but money? It's beyond me. If you can't afford friends around, you don't invite them.

It's actually quite rude, and most people I know would be offended. It's such an unwelcome environment, I would just check into a hotel frankly. It's easier, otherwise, how do you calculate how much your stay will cost?

Just to make it clear she has never has lots of visitors.

She rented a room in a families home for the first two years and she was not allowed visitors to stay.

Since then just her mother and grandmother - who visited her but stayed in a hotel.

It's not usual to be asked for payment to stay with a relative.

Come on now, of course it is.

How much is she suggesting?

I would never in a million years expect payment from guests. She's being grabby. Maybe it's a thing in France?

Look, if you're close why not just ask her? Be honest and say that you're surprised to be asked and how much was she thinking.

"and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me."

Is she aware of that? I suspect not.

Still, I know how expensive it can be having people to stay. Long toasty-hot baths, central-heating on the "tropical" setting, getting food and wine in, going out with them for days out, meals out et cetera. Even if I was in dire financial straits I'd never ask for a penny. Most especially family.

Something tells me the partner doesn't want you around. I'd book myself into a B&B and just meet up for dinner in the evening.

I assume you're being sarcastic Apple

Why are you saying "close"?

Earlier in the thread OP you said "we are close".

Gosh, how very odd (esp in the context of it def not being the case that she is fed up with multiple freeloaders using her pad as a free holiday base).

OP Can you c/paste the actual e-mail as I'm deadly nosy now! maybe that might offer some insight and we can advise you better... As right now, I'm very as to how she would have got across to you in writing that she wants money but without then specifying how much?

FWIW, I've hosted a great many people a great many times but would never ever EVER have dreamt of asking them for ££££! It's their presence I've invited, not their presents!!! I'd be beside myself with

(Although that said, I'd never stay with someone without bringing wine etc and inviting everyone out for a meal)

Tis most odd, I hope you can shed a bit more light on precisely what she actually asked

> Why are you saying "close"?

Earlier in the thread OP you said "we are close"

Yes I know I did, but you seem to be questioning it and I don't know why.

Like why say "If you really are close"

Why would I lie about that?

If it was elsewhere I would say YANBU as such but she lives in Paris. I'd expect she has quite a few family, friends, etc who might decide it would be nice to "visit" and it could get quite expensive for her.

OP Can you c/paste the actual e-mail as I'm deadly nosy now! maybe that might offer some insight and we can advise you better... As right now, I'm very confused as to how she would have got across to you in writing that she wants money but without then specifying how much?

I won't be posting the email ... as that would very much out me.

She just said along the lines of ... its awkward but after discussing this I would be expected to pay.

If you hadn't said close I would say she is trying to put you off. Staying on a couch means you will be in the way the whole time you are there. How close are you, talk a few times a week?

So her partner never has anyone come stay either?

Why would you expect someone to put you up for nothing?

Unless you keep staying with each other so that it evens out?

Absolutely not being unreasonable! Can't believe she would ask you that. If you were moving in for 3 months, she might ask you to split bills etc - but a 3 day visit?? Bizarre. I think if you go to stay, it's nice to take a gift and maybe take the host out for lunch/dinner or something if they've provided food for you.....but you wouldn't give/be asked to give money. I agree with the "book a hotel" suggestion. At least then you know where you stand!

If you are having to stay on a sofa and not going to eat there then id rather pay and stay at a hotel and get a comfy bed and breakfast.

Super the OP has already said she does not have lots of visitors. I'd go for air B&B, OP.

I'm surprised as it's definitely not the norm. However I'd assume it's a token amount and I'd happily pay. She probably has a tight budget and is worried about buying lots of extra food and wine, possibly along with joining you for meals out and touristy visits she wouldn't normally do.

I do think it's tight and unusual. But at least she's upfront about it. I imagine it'd still be tons cheaper than b and b.