to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

[thelifeofamber]

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

Again, from the OP She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment and I'm sleeping on the sofa - so that indicates that at some point during the original conversation (or at least a conversation before the bill was issued via email) where they both (as in 'we') agreed dates they also agreed that she would be staying in the apartment and that she would be sleeping on the sofa.

I'm pretty sure that had the cousin expected her to stay in a hotel they wouldn't have got to a point where the exact location of her sleep in the apartment wouldn't have been agreed (not discussed, agreed)

We were unundated - in one case with 3 separate parties overlapping (agreed unilaterally by dh who did didly squat in the prep!) when we were overseas. Your cousin may have been similarly burnt and is therefore setting things out in advance, nothing to do with you, OP

The most considerate guests we had turned up with a thoughtful gift from the uk - thought that counts, tis all! - bought the occasional bottle of wine/meal, didn't expect s free taxi service cum tour guide and mucked in without asking at home. My mil turned up for 2 weeks, bearing no gifts not even for her grandkids, paid for absolutely nothing the whole time, would not take the bus, taxi or drive and expected me to taxi her everywhere despite my saying in advance I had study/kids/usual stuff to go. The epitome of how not to do it!

The OP has already explained - the cousins visitors to date have been her mum and grandmother, and both stayed in a hotel because the grandmother has mobility problems.

In spite of having been in position of OP's cousin, I would never have asked for money. You just have to hope (against hope) that the guest is going to behave appropriately.

We once stayed with dh's friend (he invited us) and his wife sent a list of rules for all guests beforehand. I was a bit at first but saw her point. The rules included the necessity hiring a car and not expecting them to take time off work, not expecting them to go to the beach etc etc.

You can lead a horse to water and all that, though, and guests still don't get it. We hired the pil a car when they visited but fil would not drive it and they sat miserably with their arms folded waiting for dh to drive them here and there. (I could not drive - just as well!!)

Well, in that case, SirChenjin, the cousin is a greedy tightwad and AirB&B beckons.

The cousin keeps the OP informed of all guests that she and her partner host? Really?

Oh i dont know. I wouldnt be surprised to hear the cousin is a bit short of friends

Agree Bom

Again Barbarian - I'm going to accept what the OP says. I can easily envisage a situation where a cousin - whom she keeps in regular contact with - shares the details of which of her family members have visited. If the partner's family are the ones causing the problems then the bill should be issued to the correct people.

I would speak to her. Contribution is a meaningless word because it could mean anything too 'If we cook you wash up' to '£100 per night'. Speak to her and ask her what kind of contribution she is expecting. It might be a case of crossed wires, especially if you've never met her partner, she might be the 'better to say everything first' while your cousin is sat there knowing you'll chip in with washing up or a takeaway.

I do charge one relative to stay and I'm in no way ashamed of it. I had hoped it would put him off, but our location is convenient for him. He's a fucking nightmare. He turns so many lights on it's like the illuminations and leaves them on all day. He has long showers in the morning and baths every evening and he eats food like he has worms. He takes packed lunches so big that they'd do all 4 of my school age kids (3 teens so not small lunches!) and in making it he uses umpteen pots, bowls and dishes that get piled on the worktop for the cleaning fairy. He stays, at his request, 5 or 6 times a year. Since his first visit I've been a bit clearer with guests coming to stay, some guests can be really inconsiderate.

I have had lots of relatives, friends and acquaintances come to stay. If money is tight, it is toast and a vegetable curry for tea. But when money has been tight, people have brought gifts of lovely food with them. When money has been fine, I have bought extra special food and provided wine.

Only had one acquaintance who took the piss, and didn't even pay for their own drinks when we all went to the pub.

But the idea of charging makes me gasp. But then I don't make friends with people who are simply takers.

"How are they so expensive? Seriously?"

Exactly. One guest, three showers and an extra mouth to feed for three days. Unless you really are living hand to mouth, in which case you would hardly be inviting people to stay anyway, it isn't going to make that much difference.

It's a pig of a journey between where I live and where my sister lives. I am always delighted when she makes the effort to come and visit. I don't expect her to come bearing gifts, nor do I expect her to give me money or treat me to a meal. We just want to see each other.

We both reciprocate on visits and it is the host who pays for everything foodwise.

And if you live in a tourist place as I used to do, you just say something like - Hope you don't mind, but I really don't want to visit the Castle, Museum, etc for the 10th time. But I can wait in the pub while you visit.

I think that it's awful to ask a guest to pay. Really bad manners.

I used to live in Paris too, and a couple of other nice places in Europe. I had visitors. I was delighted to see them. I didn't charge them! Equally I used to stay with them when I went to visit the UK and they didn't charge me.

I think there is a bit of a difference between going to stay with someone because you want to see them and visiting because they happen to live in an attractive location . Of course the two can overlap, but let's face it, one is bound to have more visitors if you live in Paris than if you live in a Barratts estate on the outskirts of Swindon.

It's great when reciprocal trips work out, but there are a fair few people out there who say they're "staying with friends" and you know the poor friends are groaning at the imminent arrival of yet more freeloaders.

I'm sounding like I'm down on guests here and I'm not. Like most other people on this thread I'd never charge a guest, don't expect gifts or anything when family come to stay, like a bottle if wine and a thank you but that's it...

But I think guests are expensive. It's fine if it's reciprocated but gets irritating when not. I don't care so much about extra utilities ( but for the one long term guest we had for 8 weeks, I started to get the rage when i heard him in the shower . Although that was because he never bought food 😡) I lay on food, I buy much more than I would for my family of 4. Atm I'd stretch a meal for 2/3 to between the four of us because dc are young. If we have guests i double up, even for one more adult, and more again if it's a whole family. It costs twice as much based on most shop bought portions of meat or fish.

Usually I have a few nights of minimal/ freezer meals. I don't cook full on meals every night. I wouldn't offer guests home made frozen portions of soup/casseroles/curry. Or a 'breakfast for dinner' meal, or pâte on toast because I had a big lunch. Etc

I'd buy desserts I wouldn't usually buy, breakfast things rather than expecting them to just have cereal, or snacks they like, or variety of things as you want to make sure they have what they fancy, you buy in wine, well more wine than you'd usually have in, you buy special treat food for the kids or what you know their kids like, I don't expect a contribution but it's expensive.

We recently had guests drop out on us the afternoon they were due, it was over new year and my fridge was heaving. They didn't apologise and they might have had a good reason (a cold!!!!) but I was most hacked off about the expense and waste associated with their thoughtlessness. When I was sat their eating my 'friends' favourite snacks up a week later it still gave me the hump. I digress...

But what if there is no reciprocity?

If you live in a tourist destination but all your visitors dont then you do tend to find you host far more frequently than you are a guest. Hosting, tour guiding, takeaways, bed changing etc etc all start to take their toll when it is every few weeks. Of course the visitors are different, for them it is an occasional treat, for the host it can become very hard work and very repetitive.

did you invite yourself?

If you don't want guests you just say no or invent something else you've got on.

We've been overrun at times with guests. One year we actually had 21 sold days of guests (don't ask how this happened...but NEVER AGAIN.) Some are more appreciative than others/will work around your schedule/eat what you put in front of them etc. We have one person in particular who I may have to have this conversation with next time as hosting her is expensive for us (picky eater for one thing) and she never treats. It's ridiculous. She has watched us spend sixty quid on a curry and not blinked an eye, expects paying for when we go places. It wouldn't occur to her to think - gee, I could be one of 10 people they are hosting this year and if every single one of them did this what would be the consequences for OVIENNA and her family???

So- your cousin and her partner may be at the end of their tether. Does this sound more likely than they are just cheap?

Def reassure her that you were planning to contribute food/treat for a meal.

I do not think you should have to pay out cash to stay with them though.

Rhodabull You were sent a list of rules? How rude! Do you still have them? Post them!!!

This was a few years ago, so, no, I don't have them. I was a bit because we had been invited most pressingly by dh's friend. We took champagne, hired a car, took couple out for dinner twice - and we were there three days. The wife was fine, I just think she was fed up with a constant stream of people wanting the full boutique hotel experience plus excursions.

Some of my friends have moved to a tourist destination for 1 year - they are crazy over run with friends staying almost every weekend! They actually are asking for a cash amount because they are paying for a cleaner to come in to do the bathrooms and bedrooms and change the sheets etc between guests (its like a 5 bed house and at one point there are going to be 9 guests staying).

I'm glad I live somewhere boring!

I've lived overseas and had numerous visitors. Some came only to see us, some came to see us and the city we lived in. Both totally fine. None were charged anything - I'd never consider doing that. One did offer to leave us a favourable review on TripAdvisor should we ever open up 'rooms', though

Most of them bought (sorely missed!) UK staples with them or paid for the group to go out for dinner while they were staying, which was great. Not expected but much appreciated.

And the OP still hasn't deigned to answer whether she was actually invited, so it's pretty obvious she's just decided to descend upon the poor cousin to get a nice cheap trip to Paris. Not surprised that the cousin has asked for a contribution. She's probably too nice to say outright "no, you can't come".