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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

278 replies

thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 19:11

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 25/01/2016 18:06

I agree .

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 18:09

"But I think guests are expensive."

I guess it depends on how often you get visitors and how long they stay. We probably get visitors about twice a year and they might stay anything between one and three nights. So in our case it isn't expensive at all.

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 18:09

Oh, and they always reciprocate.

2rebecca · 26/01/2016 00:06

Sounds like some of you are too keen to invite people or too poor at inventing excuses if you don't want guests. We have guests infrequently (and are near Edinburgh so could have them more often if we were more sociable) but those we do have are close friends and family who we enjoy seeing and who bring alcohol and take us out/ buy stuff if we go out/ are people who we tend to visit in turn so its reciprocated.
It does sound as though this couple should have just said "we'd love to see you if you're in Paris but our flat doesn't have a spare room sorry."

marcopront · 26/01/2016 04:33

It makes a big difference if you are going to see her or to see Paris. If you are expecting no food then to me that sounds like you just want a bed and will not spend time with them, which would annoy me.

sofato5miles · 26/01/2016 04:53

Some of you are stark, raving bonkers. We have loads of visitors, as we moved out of London to a naice village. Friends bring wine and kids and dogs and we all have a jolly time. I would never, ever charge a penny. Occasionally, we get taken out for a meal.

If I visit someone for a weekend, I'll take loads of booze and maybe pay for a breakfast/ lunch. If we visit for a week, I take presents and will do full supermarket shops and a dinner.

I swear most of the keyboard warriors on here don't have friends and rarely stray out of their houses never mind live in the real world.

OP, I would address this head on. "So looking forward to seeing you, was going to bring booze and pressies but am slightly surprised by your cash request instead. I am a little worried now, is everything OK? Are you sure this is a good time for you? Love you xx"

marcopront · 26/01/2016 05:21

I found it quite interesting, having read this thread to then read this one.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2556271-To-expect-visiting-friends-to-spend-some-time-with-me?msgid=58895345

sofato5miles · 26/01/2016 06:13

The people on that were clearly using the OP'S holiday home and only relied on them as a taxi service if they had actually spent time with the OP there eouldn e a problem.

cleaty · 26/01/2016 08:37

I love having visitors. It always makes us tidy and clean the house properly, and we get to spend time with people we like.

Movingonmymind · 26/01/2016 08:44

Yes, I love having visitors too but my points were based on my experience of living overseas (long haul, attractive but somewhat scary destination) and people wanted to come for weeks not days at a time. Which is some ways is fair enough bearing in mind the distance but not for the hosts living their normal, busy not on holiday lives. So if visitors came for a few days, travelled off and then popped back, then fine. If they came and stayed for weeks and then "were too scared to drive or get a taxi" (this happened several times despite me pointing out how things were in advance) so I was guilted into driving them everywhere when I didn' t have the time, not fine! Check out any expat coffee group or the living overseas thread for many, many such accounts.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2016 08:56

'We have one person in particular who I may have to have this conversation with next time as hosting her is expensive for us (picky eater for one thing)'

And you had her more than once? Instead of charging her, just don't have her back! She asks, you're busy/full. 'Sorry, we have something on.' 'Sorry, that doesn't work for you.' 'When are you free?' 'We're not in a position to host visitors now.'

Leelu6 · 26/01/2016 09:53

fabrica after your goady posts last night insisting no grown adult could possibly enjoy wrestling etc ad tedium, I really think your posts add nothing to the conversation.

Anyone with a half a brain can read between the lines of 'so we finally decided on a date' and realise this is a visit wanted both by the OP and her cousin.

If I was the OP I wouldn't bother answering any of your questions either.

fabrica · 26/01/2016 15:49

Then you're free not to read or comment on them, aren't you?

Obviously, this woman has decided to go and stay with her cousin for a cheap trip to Paris, cousin is having none of it, good for cousin, I say.

Leelu6 · 26/01/2016 16:05

Unfortunately they're there in front of me....in all their glorious stupidity.

OVienna · 26/01/2016 16:57

I have no intention of 'charging' her expat in the sense of asking for cash up front!

I've known her a long time; I would prefer to find a solution that would enable us to keep seeing each other that doesn't mean we're basically financing her holiday though. The behaviour didn't happen overnight I would also add but became extreme this last time. I have to decide what I can live with essentially if I want to keep seeing her.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2016 18:37

In that case, since you know her so well, spell it out next time she suggests visiting. 'We love to see you, but money is tight for us and we really cannot afford (the fussy food, to pay your entry at events, to take you out to dinner, takeaways). I'm afraid our means just don't extend to this anymore as we have many visitors, so you'll need to bring (your fussy food) and pay your entry when we go anywhere.'

SirChenjin · 26/01/2016 21:04

Obviously you have decided this woman has decided to go and stay with her cousin for a cheap trip to Paris, more like, fabrica.

OVienna · 26/01/2016 21:42

Yes expat I may have to go down this route.

OVienna · 26/01/2016 21:43

Or a version of it.

OVienna · 26/01/2016 21:46

I should also add what makes it weird is she is someone I knew well but years ago. I was happy to reconnect and I honestly can't decide now if we're being played. But this is not my thread so I'll leave it at that!

Original poster
thelifeofamber · 26/01/2016 21:55

Obviously, this woman has decided to go and stay with her cousin for a cheap trip to Paris, cousin is having none of it, good for cousin, I say.

Firstly I don't need to do trips on the cheap.

Secondly I've been to Paris countless times. I love it there but I'm in no dire need to see it again.

I already said my cousin has lived there for three years, if I was that desperate and cheap I would have gone out there a long time ago.

I really don't need to answer the invite question because as others have pointed out its pretty flipping obvious unless you're as a thick as shit.

OP posts:
Nomoregrief · 26/01/2016 22:23

OP - you are getting a hard time for no sensible reason I can see.
Families visit each other - that's how it works. It is the only way it can work if you live miles apart.
I have had relatives from all over staying with me and have never asked for a penny - the most recent stayed for about 9 months on and off. I did not send an invoice - because he's family.
So OP - a huge big YANBU from me.

Take the word 'Paris' out of the equation and nobody would think OP was being unreasonable.

WhimsicalWinnifred · 26/01/2016 22:39

Op, some people are being really rude to you on this thread and it's totally uncalled for!!!

Has anything been clarified yet? Perhaps she just means that you'll go food shopping together to get bits and bobs like bread, milk and wine.

I'm sure there's no callousness in it.

Is her partner French? Maybe it's afresh thing?

grannytomine · 26/01/2016 22:54

We moved to a tourist area and get lots of visitors. We like having them but it can get expensive. It used to make me laugh when the kids were young as I would be broke after entertaining another lot of visitors and the kids would be chuffed with a tenner each or even a twenty. I'm not sure how giving kids money is supposed to be any help.

WicksEnd · 26/01/2016 23:57

Your cousin is BVU

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