to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

[thelifeofamber]

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

I like bibbity's reply. But then I'm in that sort of mood!
I'd be really snippy tbh.
This must be why I have no friends!!

Seems totally weird!!!! Sorry. Even if a family member was eating with us what's the big deal-if you're cooking a meal for two it's hardly a big deal adding in an extra portion. A few showers woop-de-Doo. Is either extremely poor or tight.

Do you know her partner? Do you get on well? Because it really sounds to me like she's the one who thinks you should "contribute". Considering that it's not really the norm to ask guests for money, I'm guessing the partner knows that this is a bit rude but either doesn't care because she doesn't want you to come, or is really strapped for cash.

Whether or not you would ask a visitor for a financial contribution is irrelevant

I would have to disagree with that. Universal rules of hospitality going back centuries if not millenia, in many if not most cultures, require that hosts provide food and shelter generously without charging for it. So it is not unreasonable of the OP to be taken aback if a close relative springs a last-minute demand for money on her, ahead of a three-day mutually agreed-upon visit.

Something odd is going on behind the scenes for such a horribly gauche exchange to be taking place. OP, I am sorry your happily anticipated trip is being tainted with this.

Something is going on at her end. Stay elsewhere and meet up with her instead. Just say that you don't want to cause any issues, but are really looking to seeing her and leave it at that.

There are plenty of reasonably priced places to stay in Paris that don't involve a sofa.

I agree with everyone who thinks your cousin's partner is behind the contribution request. For 3 nights on her sofa it isn't something I'd ever do to a friend or family member. Tbh it would leave a bit of a sour taste in my mouth as I'd be wondering if I was really welcome. Also, I'd make sure to find out what they think a reasonable contribution is? You don't want to find out that it's too much for you pay when you're already there. It would be cheeky to find out that they want you to pay the equivalent of a hotel fee to be on their sofa!

Of course you don't charge. Totally odd.

You dont want to pay? Then dont stay.

I know that many posters suggest paying for a takeaway or providing wine.

My experience as host was that I far preferred visitors who would make a cash contribution over the visitors who would insist on a providing wine or a takeaway. I didnt want these things when I would have to be at work the following day.

I think it's fucking weird. I'm sorry, it must have you questioning your relationship with her.

I wouldn't accept a cash contribution from a guest in a million years. If I've invited someone into my home it's because I enjoy providing all aspects of a pleasant stay for them.

I like Zen's reply. Friendly but gives you a chance to find alternative accommodation if your cousin's requested contribution suggests 'you're putting her out' so you can therefore book a cheap hotel nearby.

Maybe she's living on the edge financially, but is too proud to admit it. I can't think why else she would want money, unless she is just a bit tight.

I would tell her if she expects B&B fees you expect a bloody bed

Can you afford to stay elsewhere? Everyone keeps suggesting it but you haven't said (or I didn't pick up on you saying) whether this is an option.

I would pay if it is just a small amount but I would also check whether it was still okay for you to stay. It sounds to me like there is a possibility her partner has been complaining about your visit. It may not be that but I would check to make sure as I'd feel awful if I realised when I got there I was unwelcome. You could probably sort this out easily with one phone call. Just ring and ask if everything is still okay for you to come and if her partner is okay with it?

I'd be offended beyond belief. I actually would change my plans; I'd book a cheap BnB and visit my cousin during the day. And you don't even get a bed? Bugger tha at.

I wouldn't dream of asking any overnight visitors for a contribution. How strange.

My cousin, who I am also close to, lived in Paris for a while 10 years ago. I stayed with her twice for around 3 nights each time.

Money definitely didn't change hands. In fact, I think she maybe took me out to dinner as I had gone to stay with her (and had the expense of travelling etc). Not saying that's how it should be done, but asking for a contribution just seems wrong and unwelcoming.

Why get unnecessarily wound up & insulted?

Be prepared to pay your way & it won't happen!

Does she know that you don't want food just somewhere to sleep?

Even if it is a sofa I'd still want to give something because staying somewhere else in Paris would surely be a whole lot more!

As you're close, surely you'll also be putting her and her partner up in your house sometime in the future. So it'll all even out....

I definitely think this has come from her partner as well. I think you should cancel staying because this type of awkwardness doesn't bode well for a comfortable stay.

Be honest and say you hadn't thought about a contribution. Ask if she'd rather have cash or if could you treat them to a meal out. Put the ball back in her court and make her tell you what she expects.

Extraordinary, rude behaviour. No way would I stay with these people after that. Find yourself some cheap accommodation elsewhere.

I think it's odd and silly of her not to have mentioned it before you booked your tickets.

Is she young? Does she live in a shared house or just with her girlfriend?
Who are you going with? You may be 'family' but what about your travel partner. Does your cousin know them or are they strangers.

You need to find out how much it is.

I guess if it's just a 'token' contribution then it's not too bad .... but not great either

Book into a hotel and get the bed and service that you expect from paying towards a room. If you paid your cousin all you'll get is a smelly sofa and awkwardness.

Actually I think accommodation in Paris is probably cheaper now than at any time in the recent past. Hoteliers are up in arms about the lost business due to the terrible terror attacks and there are bargains to be had everywhere so imo OP should definitely look for a nice hotel deal - try booking.com or similar. At least then she'd get a bed and be absolutely clear about what she was paying for.
I am not sure on what planet it is ever ok to charge guests for their stay - it's certainly not something I'd ever do.

Contribution is such a shit word as well, how much is reasonable? 50 euros or 100 euros for the couch? Contribution prior for food or with every meal maybe even a tip for coffee served in bed if you had a bed. Pay for food up front to find out all meals where out. I just could not do it, everytime I was offered something, I would just be wondering if my contribution covered it.