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Original poster

to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

278 replies

thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 19:11

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

OP posts:
Youarentkiddingme · 24/01/2016 20:02

Can't you email and say you hadn't expected meals etc but are happy to pay towards them if she's happy to provide. Can she give you an amount. Say if she wants payment for sleeping on the sofa you'd rather pay for B and B as at least you get a bed!

It'll be awkward all the time neither of you knows exactly where you stand and what the other ones thinking.

Original poster
thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 20:03

Why would you expect someone to put you up for nothing?

Because we're family ... and I would never charge friends/family for staying over.

I would understand if she constantly has visitors ... but she doesn't

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 24/01/2016 20:04

God this is bizarre!

Clutching at straws, is there any chance that when she said a "contribution" she didn't necessarily mean cash? Like she means it would be nice for you take them out for dinner (which I imagine you'd have done anyway). That's still a crazy thing to say though.

MotherKat · 24/01/2016 20:04

I'd guess this is hubby talking, give her a ring, something along the lines of "I got your mail, is everything ok, have you gone off the idea of me coming? If it's causing an issue I can stay elsewhere".

expatinscotland · 24/01/2016 20:06

Good, MotherKat. Honestly this would put me off and I'd book an Air B&B instead. I'd feel really unwelcome and would rather just stay somewhere else.

iciclewinter · 24/01/2016 20:06

Yes I know I did, but you seem to be questioning it and I don't know why.
Like why say "If you really are close"

It was Marilynsbigsister who said that, not me.

Original poster
thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 20:06

I'd guess this is hubby talking

She doesn't have a husband.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 24/01/2016 20:07

How bizarre. I would stay in a hotel instead. If you prefer to stay with her, tell her you expect a b&b service (bed not sofa, breakfast, ensuite if available).

I would also mention that you are paying for flights and giving up your time.

And finally, don't take a gift. Maybe Marmite, if she hates it.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/01/2016 20:07

I think it's mean of her to ask to be honest.

If I were you I'd be tempted to fire back that I wasn't staying with her after all (presume it's you and a partner going not not numerous DC). Or buy in stuff that you need like food when there.

It's really cheeky to ask if re bills and if she wanted to stay with me in UK it'd be a big fat no from me too.

LeaLeander · 24/01/2016 20:09

I would chop off a leg before I charged anyone for hospitality, especially a relative! It is just not in my worldview and I'd be offended if I were an invited guest and then asked to pay.

(Of course I believe that guests should try to reciprocate by taking hosts out to dinner, or by sending a thank-you gift afterward, or otherwise returning generosity - but a host can never demand such a thing!)

Now, if you were going to Paris for work and asked her if you could stay there in lieu of a hotel, I guess I could possibly see her expecting some sort of renumeration. But if she invited you then she is in extremely poor taste, just abysmal manners, to ask for compensation.

OP is there any chance you could afford to stay at an hotel?

iciclewinter · 24/01/2016 20:09

I think if you go to stay, it's nice to take a gift and maybe take the host out for lunch/dinner or something if they've provided food for you.....but you wouldn't give/be asked to give money.

I agree. As a host you don't "expect" Hmm a contribution. But as a guest you bring a gift, offer to pay your way for any outings, treat your hosts to dinner etc. Then when they visit you, it's the other way round.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2016 20:09

Air B&B all the way. Just fire back. 'Oh, I decided to go with Air B&B instead so as not to impose. Hope we can meet up for dinner.'

StrangeLookingParasite · 24/01/2016 20:12

It's not usual to be asked for payment to stay with a relative.

Come on now, of course it is.

No, it's really not.
We've had people (family and friends) to stay here, and I would not dream of asking people for money.

nilbyname · 24/01/2016 20:12

why won't you ask her how much she expects and take it from there?

Yes it's is a bit weird. I wonder if she is quite young and on a low income?

Usual practice would be guest is put up and brings gift as symbol of appreciation. A meal cooked or paid for would be the norm from the guest.

NightWanderer · 24/01/2016 20:13

What do you want to do OP?

LizzieMacQueen · 24/01/2016 20:13

I think it is perfectly fine for her to mention it - she doesn't want you to come unprepared.

BUT as a counter offer I would ask her if she'd like anything brought over from the UK in lieu of a contribution as that seems less business like.

Enjoy your trip.

Viviennemary · 24/01/2016 20:13

She doesn't sound very welcoming. Don't think I'd pay to sleep on somebody's sofa for three nights. Book into a hotel if you can afford it. She's cheeky.

diddl · 24/01/2016 20:14

"No, it's really not.
We've had people (family and friends) to stay here, and I would not dream of asking people for money"

Therefore it's not usual for you to ask for money.

That doesn't make it that no one does!

diddl · 24/01/2016 20:15

But anyway, you're close, just ask her about it!

Disastronaut · 24/01/2016 20:17

Honestly, if a relative asked me to pay to stay with them (if they weren't extremely hard up) I'd be so insulted I'd never darken their door again. How can you ever not be awkward/ peeved now?

Ameliablue · 24/01/2016 20:18

"She just said along the lines of ... its awkward but after discussing this I would be expected to pay."

So has this come about from a discussion with the other woman? Does she have an issue with you staying? Did she say how much and what that would include?
I think you need to get the full details before you decide to agree out not.

Janeymoo50 · 24/01/2016 20:18

God no, would never expect people to pay (especially on the sofa). Yes to contributing to food, buying dinner, but not for accommodation.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/01/2016 20:19

I would say 'oh gosh, I didn't expect you to go to any trouble cooking but if you do cook I will of course bring the wine as my happy contribution'

FrameyMcFrame · 24/01/2016 20:19

Stay in a hotel and get a bed instead of a sofa!
Then visit during the day etc

diddl · 24/01/2016 20:21

"Yes to contributing to food, buying dinner, but not for accommodation."

Is that what the cousin is wanting though, or does she know that OP will not be incurring any costs?

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