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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

278 replies

thelifeofamber · 24/01/2016 19:11

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

OP posts:
Bluebolt · 24/01/2016 20:22

The idea of being charged by family would make me uncomfortable especially as anyone close enough to ask me to stay would know that I would contribute. The asking of cash would make the visit too formal and I would prefer a hotel in those circumstances.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/01/2016 20:22

YANBU. Given that you'd be on the sofa, I'd book a hotel room or an Airbnb - if I'm paying, I want a bed. And probably a private space to retire to in case they decide to charge me for breathing their air. Sorry, but your cousin is being pretty miserly. You need to raise it with her.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 24/01/2016 20:23

I wouldnt ask anyone for a contribution, but I do always contribute (wether that be money or a food shop etc etc) when i stay with family. It isnt expected but its just polite isnt it?

MotherKat · 24/01/2016 20:24

Sorry for the assumption on gender there, you'd think I'd know better.
I still reckon it sounds external.
I second the call to rummage air bnb

GabiSolis · 24/01/2016 20:27

For that length of time, I agree it is weird and on the surface quite rude. But maybe she is expecting to fund you more than you are planning. What did you say back to her?

AllTheMadmen · 24/01/2016 20:27

op i think the close comment is perhaps been put like that "close" not that the poster was questioning you but that perhaps you are not as close "close" as you think?

I would not charge someone "close" to me and if I had to due to financial reasons, then I would say why.

kvilebu · 24/01/2016 20:28

I'd ask her how much she intends to charge and whether that includes meals or not and then decide whether to pay her or book into a hotel or B&B and at least have a bed.
Maybe her partner is paying the bulk of the bills and food for the pair of them and is not happy with people coming to stay and not contributing. I know you say not many people have stayed with your cousin but perhaps relatives of her partner have and have ended up costing them a lot of money. Or maybe they want to discourage people from using the place as a free hotel. Or maybe they really are strapped for cash and can't afford to feed you. I would imagine it is very expensive to live in Paris.
Whatever their thinking, you need to find out how much they want you to pay and then make your decision based on that.

YakTriangle · 24/01/2016 20:29

If I was paying for accommodation I'd want something better than a sofabed to sleep on. Get a cheap hotel room, if such a thing exists in Paris.

maddening · 24/01/2016 20:30

I would email - how much do you charge for 3 nights on a sofa to visit you? as charging to visit you is pretty odd as is charging for a sofa.

AllTheMadmen · 24/01/2016 20:31

I can only imagine she is living in her lovers flat and its not hers and the lover isn't keen on your stay.

you could ask for meal breakdowns but doesnt all this sort of take the joy out of it?can you ask her to visit you instead//

AllTheMadmen · 24/01/2016 20:32

agree maddening...

I would say what maddening said and add on the end, or would you like to visit me, no charge!

gobbynorthernbird · 24/01/2016 20:32

OP, were you invited?

YakTriangle · 24/01/2016 20:33

Sofa, in fact, not even a sofa bed? Someone is taking the piss.

2point0Children · 24/01/2016 20:33

No way would I stay there now. I'd just book airbnb or something and meet up for a drink one night. I am hyper-sensitive but I couldn't enjoy myself if there was even the slightest inkling they didn't want me.

We've got a house in a 'tourist' destination and I would literally put strangers up for free, that's how keen I am to share (that sounds wanky I know), but friends and family get free unlimited stay and unlimited wine & food while they are here. It's nice if they entertain a child for an hour whilst I have a rest, that's all I ask.

She sounds really tight.

ZenNudist · 24/01/2016 20:33

Well accommodation in Paris is really expensive so don't do that. Plus if you're going on your own then presumably you want her company.

I stayed with a friend in Paris and was really grateful as it would have cost a fortune otherwise. We paid him in tea! Taking over a load of his favourite tea bags you couldn't get there except at great expense. We then ate out all the time although we did get in croissants bread and cheese and wine for breakfast / lunch.

Dear coz,
Yes of course I'm happy to contribute, wasn't expecting you to feed and water me for x days! Will you be food shopping before I get there? What were you thinking of by way of a contribution? In the meantime is there anything I can bring you from the UK that you're missing out on?

Looking forward to seeing you etc

If she comes back with some silly figure then you can always question her and say it's more than your food budget would be usually. If you construe it as a contribution towards food then it should be fair enough. If she's trying to charge you fit lodging say you wish she'd brought this up before you booked flights.

Staying on a sofa is shitty. I'd be tempted to hotel / air bnb it anyway if you can afford to.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/01/2016 20:34

Obviously it is her partner who has asked for a contribution and your cousin feels embarrassed about it. That's a terrible shame and very unwelcoming. You don't have to agree to it, though.

Just say "ah, ok, I wrongly assumed you'd be happy for me to stay for three nights on your sofa as your guest, and be pleased to see me, as I would if you wanted to come to the UK. It is awkward and I now feel unwelcome. I will find an alternative and sleep in a bed! Am sure you understand"

expatinscotland · 24/01/2016 20:35

Yep, All, that's probably the case, in which case, book Air B&B.

JolseBaby · 24/01/2016 20:36

Maybe money is tight? There could be 101 reasons why she has requested a contribution ranging from completely reasonable to downright entitled. Whether or not you would ask a visitor for a financial contribution is irrelevant - you aren't the same people.

Either way you won't find out unless you ask her. If you aren't prepared to, then you need to A) suck it up and be prepared to stick your hand in your pocket, or B) cancel your visit.

Illcya · 24/01/2016 20:41

I'd do as zennudist says. Then if it's too much just book into somewhere if costs permit saying decided don't want to out you out using sofa extra costs so have booked room in... Hotel. But you need to do it before it they would buy food.

DownstairsMixUp · 24/01/2016 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Illcya · 24/01/2016 20:42

Put you out
Not out you out

slithytove · 24/01/2016 20:42

Why not start by asking how much she thinks is fair
Then take it from there

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/01/2016 20:44

There is no point in asking "how much?" if you already feel insulted by the question. Damage has been done.

ConvenientTruth · 24/01/2016 20:46

I like Zennudist's reply too. Polite and friendly.

TwistInMySobriety · 24/01/2016 20:49

Not the done thing in France at ll. Rude. Airbnb would be an expensive alternative though.you could try couchsurfing.

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