to feel like I shouldn't have to pay to stay with family?

[thelifeofamber]

So to make this short, my cousin lives in Paris and has done for 3 years now. Its one of those where you keep intending to go visit but then life gets in the way.

So we finally decided on a date and my flight is booked.

She has just sent me an email to say that I will need to contribute some money for staying in her apartment.

I'm sleeping on the sofa (which I expected) .... and I'm not expecting any food to be given to me.

Its for 3 nights, and if it was for a week I would of course offer some money... I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that if the roles were reversed I would never ask for money.

It's very rude of her. But did she invite you?

Airbnb. Better anything than being made to feel unwelcome AND slumming it on a sofa! Ffs!

Well its going to be too awkward to stay there anyway so start looking for alternative accommodation.
I agree with other posters , her partner has put the kibosh on it. She referred to her and her partner expecting a contribution in the email didn't she?
A sofa would have been grim anyway, waiting for them to retire so you can go to sleep? Awkward.
See them for dinner instead.
I get the impression you don't like the responses you're getting.
Did you anticipate a different reaction?

Odd behavior unless cousin and partner were really financially struggling, but in which case you would expect that she would let you know this very apologetically as you are so close.

Amazed and appalled at people expecting or accepting cash from visitors! Unbelievably stingy. I'd feel offended, annoyed and unwelcome and def wouldn't stay there. She should be made aware that this is not ok.

I have always made a 'donation' of some kind when staying with extended family. Usually a gift/clothes for kids/ paying for an evening out/ tickets to an event etc. Usually in the region of £100 or so.

They all reciprocate this when they stay here.

Having said that I wouldn't mind if they didn't.

Close family (brothers and sisters) well we don't bother at all!

My SIL charges her 94-yr-old mother when she stays overnight. And she's not short of a few bob!

For 3 nights it's odd. She should have just said that she didn't want visitors. Maybe she'd have preferred you to visit her but stay elsewhere if there isn't actually a spare bedroom. How often did you visit each other before she moved to Paris? If not often I'd have booked a nearby hotel and arranged to take her out for dinner/ meet up for dinner not assume you could stay for 3 nights when she doesn't have a spare bed.
Did she invite you or did you invite yourself?

Definitely odd for 3 days.

We had SIL, BIL and DN stay for 7 weeks as they were having their house renovated and we asked for a contribution then as our house went from 4 to 7 people so of course there were extra costs and we were doing them a massive favour (it was not great either TBH and was not the first time they had stayed for several weeks).

We have had loads of guests for the odd few nights and would never charge them at all. We would provide food etc too as if you invite guests that would you do IMO but often they would treat us to a takeaway etc.

I'm coming out in a cold sweat at the very thought of charging / being asked for money! Very odd, and, as others have said, I'd find an airbnb.

That's not right! I would never dream of asking for a contribution - you're their guest!! I'd book a hotel instead

Weird weird weird. If you issue invitations to your relatives to come and stay and go on to arrange a date, you don't then turn round after the flights have been booked and say you want a contribution.

YANBU. At all. Hotel sounds like the best way forward I think. I wonder if her partner is a bit difficult?

As always - mumsnet amazes
There really are people who ask for and accept cash for a couple of days hosting friends/family
I was just reading about a woman who lives on 2k a year and gets guests to bring their own teabags
Its a strange world

Op, i'd just get a b n b and meet up for the odd meal/trip out.

Offer a nominal amount eg £10 per night to cover costs, and see what reaction you get. That way you make your expectations clear. If she responds asking for an unacceptable amount ... well you are no longer close and you will no doubt book somewhere else. But the loss of friendship will have been her call.

When I go with my friend to visit our other friend in London we all pay into a kitty so that our food bill works out evenly between us. And then we also buy a few extras like wine etc for the host as a way of saying thank you for putting us up. She would never dream of asking us for money and I would never dream of putting her in a situation where she felt she needed to ask. I think in your case OP her partner has been bending her ear. I would definitely research alternative accommodation close by. It may be a godsend especially if you start to find the atmosphere becoming uncomfortable.

My parents are pensioners and live in a lovely part of the world. They have lots of visitors and they do ask them to help with grocery shopping. It might not seem like much but they can't afford so many visitors otherwise.
Obviously this case is different and seems odd. Either the cousin is broke or a bit grabby.

Or maybe the partner isn't happy about the OP staying for some reason and is being assuaged?

Who are you going with? You may be 'family' but what about your travel partner. Does your cousin know them or are they strangers.

It would be weird if she had an issue with my travel partner ... seeing as they don't exist.

I would have mentioned this in my OP if it was me + 1.

Be prepared to pay your way & it won't happen!

Ridiculous statement ^

If anyone has accept cash from a guest who stayed only a couple of nights then thats just embarrassing.

How often did you visit each other before she moved to Paris?

Never - because we used to live 15/20 minutes from each other.

Those asking about her partner, I can't comment on because I have personally never met her.

"Are you not planning to switch on a light, turn on a tap?"

A bit more light and water over 3 days will cost pennies!

"I have always made a 'donation' of some kind when staying with extended family. Usually a gift/clothes for kids/ paying for an evening out/ tickets to an event etc. Usually in the region of £100 or so.

100 for a few nights? It would be cheaper to stay in a hostel for 3 nights (though not in Paris where accommodation is very expensive)! If I stay with friends I pay for my own food - I eat when out and about and will buy things for breakfast, unless the host insists that I eat their bread and jam (buying bread and jam for 2 instead of 1 is hardly a huge expense). I give a box of chocolates or something like that. No way would I spend 100. What would the extra cost of light and one more shower be over 3 days? Probably under 5 pounds.

I like ZenNudist's wording. The response to that will tell tou how welcome you are.

Are you sure they haven't been swamped with visits from friends/partner's family?

I think it's odd to charge guests that you have invited over to stay with you. I assume she has invited you, OP? I don't mean a vauge 'oh you must come over sometime' and you've taken this as a certain invite whenever you fancy - I mean I take it this trip has been planned by the both of you? If you have just randomly booked tickets and announced you're coming over, it's probably just her way of showing she's not happy with you. If it is fully planned between the two of you, and she's just gone 'by the way, you have to pay to stay' as an afterthought. she's very unreasonable.

I would say something along the lines of what Zennudist suggested.

Quite strange though.