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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you have a guest, you should feed them?

98 replies

ValiantMouse · 21/01/2016 23:13

Background- My friend and her partner have been together for over a year, have a 8 month old baby but live apart at the moment due to their jobs. Both live with their parents.

Anyway, if he visits her house, her parents feed them all, even if they have to stretch a meal. (I've been there and see it take place). If she goes to his parent's house, they never feed her- she was telling me that they'd made a roast dinner with enough to feed everyone, but had put out enough for themselves and never offered to feed friend's partner or my friend. It hasn't just happened once, but every time his parents serve a meal, including when friend was heavily pregnant.

If my friends/family comes to my house, I feed them even if it means stretching a meal or cooking something different. AIBU to think it's kinda rude?

OP posts:
RonniePickering · 21/01/2016 23:20

I couldn't feed people in my house without offering everyone there some.

Utterly rude imo.

coconutpie · 21/01/2016 23:24

So your friend's partner's parents (ie the baby's grandparents) won't even offer their grandchild's mother a bit of dinner when she visits? WTF? I wouldn't be visiting them again. What rude, miserable people.

Hold on, did you also say they don't feed the partner also (ie their own son)? Are they trying to not-so-subtly tell him to move out already?

TheMouseThatRoared · 21/01/2016 23:24

Yanbu. If I don't have enough to feed guests I delay the meal until they have left or politely make hints that they should go home.

Tweetypie100 · 21/01/2016 23:34

God that's awful!

trufflehunterthebadger · 21/01/2016 23:36

Unbelivably rude

But i start pressing food on people the minute they cross the threshold. As do the rest of the matriarchs in my family

Wolfiefan · 21/01/2016 23:36

Perhaps they are making a point? How often is she there? If she's turning up at dinner time for half the week then they may feel fed up. When is partner moving out? Are they getting a place together?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2016 23:38

So, just to clarify - son already lives there, brings his partner, then they dish up and eat a full roast in front if you both without saying a word?

Ginkypig · 21/01/2016 23:38

If your going to eat while you have guests in, you have to feed your guests.

If I had a guest in and I didn't want to feed them I wouldn't eat until they left but to be honest if I have a guest they get offered snacks outside of meal times or dinner/takeaway at meal times.

I don't have suprise drop ins though so would know in advance if somone would be here.

Birdsgottafly · 21/01/2016 23:42

Every time an OP starts a thread on unwanted guests/ freeloaders and children that they would rather move out, the consensus is, "Stop feeding them".

It's always telling that supposedly close family members can't have an open conversation about what's happening.

Or perhaps they have told him and he's keeping quiet.

Birdsgottafly · 21/01/2016 23:43

I also think they're making the point that she's his guest and not their guest.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/01/2016 23:46

I do think it's a bit rude to go to someone's house at meal times if you haven't been specifically invited for a meal. You run the risk of there not being enough food for you and the person you're visiting feel awkward and embarrassed.

That said, this situation sounds incredibly wierd. The Inlaws are either trying to make a point because she keeps turning up at an inconvenient time with no prior arrangement (and it doesn't sound like there is close enough a relationship there for a drop in to feel natural), or if no other possible issues they are just plain stingy and ignorant. If there is food there, you would offer it! And what about their grand child? At 8 months old, surely he/she would be eating a bit of mashed up potato and carrot - do they not even want to feed a little baby?!

Original poster
ValiantMouse · 21/01/2016 23:49

Wolfiefan, it's very rare that she visits them. Maybe once a month? However, the reverse isn't true- he's at her parent's house almost every night (and gets fed every visit.)

They're saving towards a deposit on a house, have 75% of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ValiantMouse · 21/01/2016 23:50

They take their own food for their little one. I'm not sure if that's because there's no food offered when they visit this set of GPs or not.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/01/2016 23:52

Ah. It can't be their grandchild, can it? Confused. Or am I being thick? The couple have only been together a year. The baby is 8 months so born when they'd been together for 4 months. The numbers don't add up, OP. Your friend must have been already 5 months pregnant when they got together.

There must be more to this story.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/01/2016 23:53

They should still feed them but it might explain their odd behaviour towards your friend. Do they have doubts about the relationship?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/01/2016 23:54

Sorry, misread. You wrote "been together for over a year." Bit confusing.

SaucyJack · 21/01/2016 23:55

But she isn't their guest, non?

They clearly don't see it that way anyway.

Not enough info to tell whether they are actively making a passive-aggressive dig, or just going about their own business in their own home tho.

Original poster
ValiantMouse · 21/01/2016 23:56

Baby is 100% their grandchild. :) Maybe I should have said 'almost two years' or 'well over a year'. Sorry for any confusion. :)

OP posts:
YourLittlePlantPot · 22/01/2016 00:00

That's really poor manners.

I'm still cringing from a friend dropping in unannounced earlier and refusing to let me give her a plate. I felt awful with us tucking into a slap up dinner and DF sitting nursing a cup of tea I had to restrain myself from force feeding her.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/01/2016 00:01

What do they actually do for food when they go to Inlaws then? Do they have to go out to maccies or something? I wouldn't be happy if I were contributing towards household food costs (I'm assuming he is) but not included in the meal times!

Anyway, if it's not very often that she visits it's the polite thing to do to offer some to a visitor, whether others contributed financially to it or not!

Original poster
ValiantMouse · 22/01/2016 00:05

She doesn't drive so her partner picks her up/takes her home. They get something either on the way there or on the way home.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/01/2016 00:06

Being nosy now - how come their jobs mean that they live separately? If he's at her parents house most nights it can't be for distance reasons? Are there night shifts involved or something?

I must get a life. Totally over invested in the minutiae of someone else's life......Grin

Valentine2 · 22/01/2016 00:10

They are trying to make a point. Very rudely. I would not visit them again.

Original poster
ValiantMouse · 22/01/2016 00:13

Down to the money aspect really more than anything I think. He's a bit away from finishing a vocational qualification that will give him a decent wage increase, and she works part time/shift work because of the little one. She's also doing a training course two days a week that will give her a job for life once she qualifies.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 22/01/2016 00:15

So are they both living rent free in their parents houses? Is he paying board?

I have to say I think it's his responsibility to sort out feeding his family when they visit, not his parents.

It sounds like she isn't making much of a contribution at her parents either as you mention that 'her parents' feed them, not her.

Her parents may be happy still acting as an open wallet and in house chef service for their child. But an awful lot of parents in that situation would feel that if their child was grown up enough to have their own family they're grown up enough to organise feeding and looking after any guests they have themselves.

What are they going to do when they buy their own homes if they both have their parents feeding them now? They need to grow up and start taking responsibility for themselves rather than expecting their parents to provide for them.