To think that if you have a guest, you should feed them?

[ValiantMouse]

Background- My friend and her partner have been together for over a year, have a 8 month old baby but live apart at the moment due to their jobs. Both live with their parents.

Anyway, if he visits her house, her parents feed them all, even if they have to stretch a meal. (I've been there and see it take place). If she goes to his parent's house, they never feed her- she was telling me that they'd made a roast dinner with enough to feed everyone, but had put out enough for themselves and never offered to feed friend's partner or my friend. It hasn't just happened once, but every time his parents serve a meal, including when friend was heavily pregnant.

If my friends/family comes to my house, I feed them even if it means stretching a meal or cooking something different. AIBU to think it's kinda rude?

[monkeysox]

My in laws exactly the same. We don't live there we have own house but our dcs are offered food and meals if we visit and I think they believe I run on fresh air. If my dh visits with or without dcs he if fed too. Feel v unwanted!

[Leelu6]

he's at her parent's house almost every night (and gets fed every visit.)

Hmm...so her parents are cooking for her nearly every night and feeding him too. Does your friend help with the cooking?

It could be that his parents don't want to get in a situation where they have to cook your friend every night too.

It's fine that they stay with their parents (and pay board) but I don't think they should except to be catered to every night. Why can't they cook?

[NerrSnerr]

Why are they not cooking for themselves? It sounds like his parents are making a point.

[Lweji]

They get something either on the way there or on the way home.

So they never cook at his parents. Have they ever thought of taking something for his parents to eat too?

Was the baby an accident?

[Leelu6]

His parents may think that if they feed her once, she will expect to be fed every night, like her parents feed them.

Sometimes people don't want to cook, and have a frozen pizza. Sometimes people have a takeaway. Are they supposed to make sure their grown son and his partner are fed every night?

[DelphiniumBlue]

Your post says they are not providing meals for the friend or their partner. Maybe the deal is " yes you can stay here, yes your partner can visit, but you are independent adults, make your own arrangements for meals."
Which is perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't see them as guests in this scenario- guests are invited and temporary IMO.

[Oddoneout63]

No matter what the circumstances you should always offer to feed any guest! Mind, I'm straight in with the 'Mrs Doyle' have a cup of tea routine when anyone (including tradesmen of course!) turns up at mine!

[Jux]

So the arrangement he has with his parents is that he gets lodging but not board. If they're not feeding their own son then why would they feed his friends?

Perhaps they thoroughly disapprove of his behaviour, perhaps they warned him long ago to take responsibility for his own contraception and maybe he knew very well that they would not help him if these very circumstances arose.

You don't know the full story, so you can't draw any conclusion.

[pinkdelight]

bibbity is spot on. Your friend's DP is a grown up and should feed himself and his own guests. Presumably his parents fed his friends who came for playdates when he was a child, and if he and your friend lived in their own house and came to visit, no doubt the parents would cook a meal for everyone then, but now they're already providing a roof over their adult son's head, I don't see why they should continue to cater for him like he's a child. Just because your friend's parents are happy to keep playing that role, doesn't mean it's rude for the other parent's not to. They probably want to have their house back to themselves and eat their roast in peace!

[whois]

They both need to grow up, move out and fend for themselves. Honestly. hardly seems like a good idea to have gone and got up the duff does it?

[honeyroar]

But they're not just going round to his parents house, they're going to where HE LIVES. So they're not guests, he lives there and he hasn't organised any food for his own family. He's expecting his parents to feed them while they're already saving him money so that he can save up for a house. I expect they feel like they're Royal being used. Why can't your friend and her OH cook and organise a meal for them??

[ItchyArmpits]

So.... the mother of their grandchild visits, and they eat and let her just watch? Every time? They have always done this?

Different families, regions and cultures have different norms of hospitality. In the family/region/culture I happen to be from, it sounds like a calculated, deliberate insult.

[honeyroar]

If it was the mother of their grandchild visiting their house I'd agree Itchy, but the mother of their grandchild is visiting their son's house too, and he's not making a meal either... He's just expecting his parents to, or sponging off her parents at her house. They're both being treated very well by their parents, allowing them to save up and live cheaply in the meantime. If anything, the couple could be cooking for the parents as a thank you.

[Notso]

If his parents are not feeding him then why would they feed her?

It's difficult, it seems a bit off of him to turn up at her parents every night and expect them to provide food for him. Especially if they are stretching a meal to accommodate so it's not as if they plan for him to be there.
On the otherhand I couldn't sit and eat a roast while others just watched us eat it.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

My younger brother (aged 35) still lives at home with his Mum. She cooks 95% of the time, I reckon, usually two meals because he is vegetarian. She also does all his washing and ironing. It actually does my head in.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

ok so his parents have an arangement where he is responsible for his own shopping and cooking etc. more of a shared house arrangement. he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself sort of thing.

maybe not so odd after all

[Krampus]

Are they invited over for food or socialising by the parents? No food would be odd.

Or does she go over to see him? Parents may expecting him to cook and cater for his partner and child, letting him cary on some kind of independent adult life.

[Dexterjamesmummy]

My ex's mum wouldn't feed me when I was round at theirs. She fed everyone but me (I'd order a pizza and eat it in his room), but I'm glad anyway as she was a shit cook. Plain noodles with sliced pepperami anyone?

[Leelu6]

Starting to think the OP is actually the 'friend' not getting fed at her DP's parents house...

[Lweji]

What gave you that impression?

[Namechangergeneral]

leelu

Keep up!!

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

The parents see the kids differently.

His see him as an independent adult who shares their house.

Her see her as their child who is bringing someone round for tea.

Neither are wrong (or right) - just different.

[BombadierFritz]

Why is this (young?) man expecting other people to cook for him all the time? He could prepare more meals for everyone at his/his parents house. He should also stop freeloading off his girlfriends parents

[KoalaDownUnder]

I think that under normal circumstances, yes, it would be very rude.

I also think that these are not normal circumstances. I suspect there is a lot of back story, and I'm reluctant to judge the parents.

The boyfriend needs to man up and discuss with his parents what's going on, not just keep putting everyone in an awkward position.

[VimFuego101]

Probably true, Mumoftwoyoungkids, but if i were his parents i would still feel uncomfortable sitting down to eat without offering them something! Him visiting with his partner and child is a visit to see the whole family, it's not really the same as him having a friend over and going off to his room, say.