To think that if you have a guest, you should feed them?

[ValiantMouse]

Background- My friend and her partner have been together for over a year, have a 8 month old baby but live apart at the moment due to their jobs. Both live with their parents.

Anyway, if he visits her house, her parents feed them all, even if they have to stretch a meal. (I've been there and see it take place). If she goes to his parent's house, they never feed her- she was telling me that they'd made a roast dinner with enough to feed everyone, but had put out enough for themselves and never offered to feed friend's partner or my friend. It hasn't just happened once, but every time his parents serve a meal, including when friend was heavily pregnant.

If my friends/family comes to my house, I feed them even if it means stretching a meal or cooking something different. AIBU to think it's kinda rude?

[ValiantMouse]

They do both pay board to their parents. Not sure where you got the idea that they don't?

It may just be the way I was brought up, but if we had a guest in the house, they sat down to a meal with the family, regardless of who had invited them. I think doing otherwise is pretty rude.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

That's ridiculous behaviour

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Yanbu

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Sorry, I really meant to ask what was the reason they weren't all 3 of them living in one or the other parents' houses while they save up for a deposit? Seems strange if he's there most evenings anyway not to actually stay over/live at her parents house to help with the baby during the night if needed, and in the morning.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

He's not really a guest in his parents house is he though? I assume his parents think he should be buying/cooking/serving food to his partner.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I assume his parents think he should be buying/cooking/serving food to his partner. Yep, they are making a point. They are staying at DP's houses to save money. Then either he is fed at hers almost every night or they are at his. Why aren't they cooking, since they live there?

[whatsoever]

It's a difficult one. I think if you invite people round for a meal you obviously feed them but if they just turn up or they hang around when it becomes meal time, you're not really obliged to.

People (guests and hosts) need to be a bit more open I think. I wouldn't expect to be fed unless I'd been asked to stay for tea. I'd also bugger off if it appeared I was impinging on someone's meal time at a meal I hadn't been invited to.

But the fact the parents aren't inviting their own son, grandchild and mother of their grandchild to eat with them is very peculiar.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

But he lives there! He's a grown up. He should be sharing the food shopping and cooking. Perhaps he isn't doing his fair share?

[Ughnotagain]

Does he normally eat with his parents when she's not there?

If not then I don't think they ABU, as they probably expect him to make something for them both.

If he normally eats with them though then yeah that's weird.

[shadowfax07]

I couldn't eat a meal at home and not at least offer to share with anyone else there. It just doesn't seem right, unless it's DP, and I know he's just eaten.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

So he sits there and eats a slap up roast and she isn't allowed to, then he takes her for a maccy d's on the way home?! Classy lad...

[ValiantMouse]

No, because he doesn't get fed either!

[abbieanders]

So the parents feed neither of them? They want him gone.

[icklekid]

Does he tell his parents that his partner is coming over? If not I can understand their frustration at not knowing when they start cooking that they need to feed 2 extra. Why doesn't he say dp is coming over shall I cook for us all? Experience should have taught him his parents aren't going to sort rather than going hungry he needs to cook!

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Yep his parents want him to move out - perhaps he isn't paying enough board, or they just thought they'd have their house to themselves by now, or they disprove of the set up which means a father not living with his partner and child and think they should have made living together (and maybe getting married before the baby was born if they are old fashioned) the priority rather than prioritising owning a house later at the expense of living as a family unit.

I have read threads on here where adult children are unmotivated to move out and people have suggested that while you can't throw them out with nowhere to go, you can stop making life so comfortable by cooking for them and doing their laundry!

Does he do his share of food shopping, cooking, washing up and housework? Maybe things came to a head at some point as he was treating his parents home like an all inclusive hotel and they decided that while they would continue to provide a roof over their adult child's head they would no longer cook for him and do his laundry, and they are sticking rather rigidly to that!

Normally YANBU and it is beyond weird to cook and eat a meal and leave guests to watch you eat - there must be a massive back story!

[WeAllHaveWings]

does her partner get fed when she is not there?

Has he agreed with his parents his board doesn't included food and he'll sort himself out?

[SevenOfNineTrue]

Sounds like he is bringing her over uninvited and the parents are making a point.

I'd never turn up near a mealtime if I hadn't been specifically invited somewhere to eat. I'd always feed any uninvited guests because it would be unbelievably rude not to. There are a number of ways to pad out meals if you have to.

If he is bringing his family to his home, why does he not buy food in advance and cook for everyone if he knows his parents will not do it? Why is he not cooking for his family instead of just sitting there?

[theycallmemellojello]

It's hard to tell what the situation is - what do you mean 'visits their house' - like for several days? It obviously is weird if she is there for days and has to get her own food. But other than that, I wouldn't expect to be served dinner at someone's house unless I'd been invited for dinner. If the guy is a young adult who just happens to be living in his parents house, I think it's fine for him to have his own guests and to sort out their meals. When I was a teen or at home from uni and I had guests, we'd just do our own thing - I wouldn't necessarily tell my parents if I was bringing a friend over and at that age I certainly wouldn't expect my mum and dad to cater! If the bf has invited her over at dinner time, then it's obviously on him to sort out food - either by cooking for them both or by getting his parents to include them both in his meal. Especially if she is over there a lot - if she's there a few nights a week, it's a bit U to expect the parents to cook for her a few nights a week, she's not their guest and a lot of people wouldn't want dinner guests that often.

[Katenka]

I think it's weird.

But unless they are generally horrible people, I would suggest there is a reason for it.

It's likely your friends boyfriend knows the reason.

Maybe because (assuming he is paying for his child and saving for a deposit while studying) he doesn't pay much in rent.

Maybe they cooked for him several times when he was at your friends parents and he didn't tell them he wouldn't be there. So thy got fed up of cooking for him and him not bothering to let them know.

Maybe this disagree with them having a baby and living apart.

Maybe he doesn't do much around the house.

Maybe they want him to move out.

You don't know enough about the situation or the people involved to know the details.

[Namechangergeneral]

I think something like a roast is generally a family thing and I think it is very odd that they dished it all up without feeding either of them.

Generally though, I don't agree that friend is a 'Guest'. She's effectively daughter in law, they just have to share who's house they stay in. They should be preparing their own food and not expecting parents to feed them. They aren't children being 'catered for', and they are not visiting guests either.

[figureofspeech]

Very rude, in my community it's completely unheard of not to offer a guest food & drink. People would birch about you & think you are weird & rude. I've also found that people like that will accept the hospitality of others won't always return it.

[theycallmemellojello]

I guess the other thing is whether she reciprocates or offers a contribution... If she is eating their food on a regular basis (cooked by her partner!) and doesn't offer to make a contribution or bring a gift over occasionally then it's a bit one-sided.

[cdtaylornats]

I suppose it depends if their guests or just there. It does seem odd not feeding the person who lives there permanently though.

[jay55]

Do they ever take the parents out or cook for them? If dinner is never reciprocated I can see why they'd not do it.

[Lweji]

Odd, but...

How is he living with his parents because of their jobs if he's at hers most of the week?
What kind of arrangement do they have with their son?
They seem to have decided to save for a house st their parents' expense, even if they contribute. Does he contribute towards food at his parents?
She's not their guest. She pops in when she or he wants. I wonder if with no notice too. That would piss me right off if it was a regular thing and they expected a meal on the table.
Does she help them cook, take anything to compensate for the food?
What does your friend's OH say about it? What does he do?