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AIBU?

To think that if you have a guest, you should feed them?

98 replies

ValiantMouse · 21/01/2016 23:13

Background- My friend and her partner have been together for over a year, have a 8 month old baby but live apart at the moment due to their jobs. Both live with their parents.

Anyway, if he visits her house, her parents feed them all, even if they have to stretch a meal. (I've been there and see it take place). If she goes to his parent's house, they never feed her- she was telling me that they'd made a roast dinner with enough to feed everyone, but had put out enough for themselves and never offered to feed friend's partner or my friend. It hasn't just happened once, but every time his parents serve a meal, including when friend was heavily pregnant.

If my friends/family comes to my house, I feed them even if it means stretching a meal or cooking something different. AIBU to think it's kinda rude?

OP posts:

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Sunbeam1112 · 23/01/2016 21:06

They made a decision to have a child together despite living separately. The parents are good enough to let them stay in each hpusehold to save.if it was me I would be telling them to get a place. It is not approriat environment a child going between two houses. Nor is it the parents responsibility to provide meals either. If they are old enough to have a child they should be able to provide a home meals etc independently.

His parents aren't there to wait hand on foot with hot meals. They are capable of feeding themselves. They are making a point they aren't going to be push over.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2016 20:46

Or not make him too comfortable so they take their time 'saving' for a house.

Lweji · 23/01/2016 20:32

flatly refuses to cook anything on set days of the week

Not sure what you mean by this.

She refuses to cook for example on Tuesday?

My feeling is that she's hinting blatantly telling him to move out.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2016 20:29

They're adults, he lives there and she's his partner. They are not guests. Adults feed themselves. They shouldn't be expected to 'be fed' at all. Time for them to grow up. I'd be telling them to rent something and move out.

Katenka · 23/01/2016 19:41

It's just odd to me to cook enough for all of them, but not feed everyone.

maybe thy cook enough to have left overs so they don't have to cook every night.

Maybe your friend is exaggerating. Since her family are quite happy to spread a meal to more people than its for she feels there is enough and his parents don't.

Maybe they are pissed off that a grown man who has a child of his own hasn't got his own place and looking after his family.

Maybe they feel that he isn't paying them much board and so have am arrangement where they don't feed him and they are sticking to it. It's win win for him since he gets fed for free most nights.

The only could be so many things that you or the 'girlfriend' don't know. But I bet the boyfriend does

ValiantMouse · 23/01/2016 19:32

I'm not the girlfriend. She just keeps asking my opinion about it and I wasn't sure what to tell her. Obviously there's stuff I don't know, but I know the gist of it.

They're not there all of the time, nor does she turn up uninvited. They do cook for themselves (though from what I've heard, his mum hates anyone else in her kitchen but flatly refuses to cook anything on set days of the week.) so they're not expecting to be fed every single meal.

It's just odd to me to cook enough for all of them, but not feed everyone.

OP posts:

Jux · 23/01/2016 18:41

So she's not a guest they've invited, but just turns up as and when her bf decides? Has he arranged it with his parents? No, I doubt it.

They are both behaving like freeloaders. OK, she's the mother of their gc but how much are they actually involved in the family? It really doesn't sound like he, the bf, is making much effort in bringing her into his family.

Flashbangandgone · 23/01/2016 16:52

The unreasonable people here seem to be the 'guests'!

BillSykesDog · 23/01/2016 15:08

If the OP isn't the GF, then not only are they turning up expecting to be fed, they're bringing friends too. So their roast for two they were getting a few days leftovers out of, would now be feeding five....

Jux · 23/01/2016 12:43

OP, are you the girlfriend?

TBH, I think they should each do one meal a week for everyone, so she should cook for her parents, herself and bf one evening, and he should cook for his parents, himself and gf another evening. They should each shop, prep and cook.

At one point, in my 30s, for various reasons, I had to go and live with my mum for a while. She did most cooking and shopping, but I cleared up. I also did a lot of the shopping for her, all the cleaning, and cooked at least twice a week. It doesn't sound like either of these two are pulling their weight.

TendonQueen · 23/01/2016 12:18

Actually, on thinking about it the 'stretching a meal' sounds more and more odd. Do they never know in advance he's coming? I'm now imagining a sitcom type scenario where every Tuesday they arrive and go 'Hello, only us!'and parents jump up in surprise and look for an extra plate. You said you'd been there and seen it OP - so what goes on?

And have none of these people, over many months, had an actual conversation about their eating and meal planning arrangements?

Lweji · 23/01/2016 11:52

For me it's quite significant that the OP talks about stretching a meal. It sounds like they come and go as they please without warning if his parents would have to stretch meals.
But, as he lives there, supposedly, why can't they cook for their parents too?

ImperialBlether · 23/01/2016 10:50

I agree with you as far as her mum feeding him is concerned, but the ILs who can't give their DIL and mother of their grandchild a meal once a month? That's really miserable.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/01/2016 10:43

I also think the son should sort out himself and his partner. If adult DC with jobs and children choose to live with their parents, they are (in my eyes) more of a lodger than anything else. I doubt very much that anyone would be prepared to feed their lodger's girl/boyfriend on a regular basis.

Lweji · 23/01/2016 08:55

Or live on takeaways.
Which is what they do when they go to his parents.

TendonQueen · 23/01/2016 08:38

Now we know neither of them gets fed, that actually seems more reasonable. That's saying to them 'you're adults, sort yourselves out'. While one is technically a guest, the other lives there. Amazed that no one seems to expect him to be capable of feeding himself! They both seem unhelpfully dependent on their parents for adults with a child of their own.

I'd also predict that when they do get their own place, your friend is going to end up with all the cooking duties. Or they will take the Denise Royle and Dave route and go back to her parents for tea five nights a week.

MidniteScribbler · 23/01/2016 08:25

So the woman's parents are feeding them almost every night? And when she goes to his house she sits and expects to be fed?

Are these people incapable of preparing food for themselves?

Leelu6 · 23/01/2016 08:13

Lweji and namechangergeneral - I'm clearly too naive

Flashbangandgone · 23/01/2016 07:14

I agree, they don't seem to be guests to me in the usual sense. They should take responsibility for feeding themselves and stop freeloading.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2016 21:42

And they are not guests, he is living there and she is his partner. They need to grow up and not expect to be 'fed' like a toddler.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2016 21:40

They both sound incredibly immature. Bet the parents think he should be supporting his family under its own roof.

BombadierFritz · 22/01/2016 21:36

Actually, why are both of them expecting parents to cook meals for them? They both need to grow up

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Lweji · 22/01/2016 21:11

But he's supposed to be living there. Not visiting.
And the OP hasn't said if they even warn the parents in advance or ever contribute towards the food.

VimFuego101 · 22/01/2016 21:06

Probably true, Mumoftwoyoungkids, but if i were his parents i would still feel uncomfortable sitting down to eat without offering them something! Him visiting with his partner and child is a visit to see the whole family, it's not really the same as him having a friend over and going off to his room, say.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/01/2016 21:01

I think that under normal circumstances, yes, it would be very rude.

I also think that these are not normal circumstances. I suspect there is a lot of back story, and I'm reluctant to judge the parents.

The boyfriend needs to man up and discuss with his parents what's going on, not just keep putting everyone in an awkward position.

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