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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This mum is totally unreasonable isn't she? Help me word a reply!

540 replies

WaitrosePigeon · 21/01/2016 10:32

My son went to his friends house for a play and tea yesterday. They are both 5. They went to a local soft play.

I went to pick my son up and the husband was there, all good. Had a great time.

I text the mum to say thank you etc and I had this reply...

'No problem! They had a great time at soft play and then they had some dinner there. It came to £10.00. You can give me the money at the gates tomorrow. Have a nice evening! X'

Erm what the fuck? Is that normal? What do I do?

OP posts:
Psychmumma · 21/01/2016 11:24

Be honest. Pay the money kindly, but mention " Erm, sorry if this is really awkward, but I really didn't know that it was going to be £10 yesterday...would it be ok if you could let me know next time- money is mega tight at the mo."
Don't go into all the politics of "id never be so rude as to ask for money"....

nilbyname · 21/01/2016 11:25

After play round here is £4-5 and then one of those dire food boxes £4. So £10 is about right.

She's being very cheeky to ask after the fact. You have to pay and then evaluate if you are happy to spend on her child with is not being reciprocated.

Micah · 21/01/2016 11:25

I'd pay up.

My reply would be something like "yes I'll give it to you tomorrow. Your husband didn't mention it or I could have paid then. Let me know in future so I can give you the money before you go and you're not out of pocket".

Then that sets the rule that if you want money for an outing, you ask up front.

Sonnet · 21/01/2016 11:25

The issue with this is that if your Dc are only 5 you are going to have to see/interact with this Mother over the course of the next few years.

I think you have to just suck this up - hand over the £10 with a smile - but chalk it down to experience and avoid play dates in the future.

OR respond - happy to give you the money now or take them both (and pay) next week. Either way will make us square. Let me know what you want me to do

WipsGlitter · 21/01/2016 11:26

It's not "shocking". I would always offer to pay but presumably you didn't know this was what they were going to be doing?

LyndaNotLinda · 21/01/2016 11:26

If you choose to take someone else's kid out, you pay.

I probably wouldn't reply, just give her the money next time you see her and make that the end of the out of school friendship.

Sonnet · 21/01/2016 11:26

Agree with Micah's response too.

pottymummy · 21/01/2016 11:29

To me, a play date is going around someones house and having tea. It does not involve soft play. It does not involve 'costs'. It will generally be reciprocated

Thymeout · 21/01/2016 11:30

Paul - well, not that random. It sounds as if the friend's mother wasn't at the soft play when Op collected her dc. Perhaps he was expecting her to offer to pay.

Op - could you clarify whether you knew about the softplay beforehand or thought it was just the usual playdate at home?

I think you always offer to pay, but given your previous experience with this parent, where you've paid for both dcs, I'd be surprised if she'd taken the money because you've turned down payment before. Does she usually offer?

But, as I said - even if there had been crossed wires with the Dh, she shouldn't be asking you now. Especially if you didn't know they were going to softplay and dinner out.

iamnina · 21/01/2016 11:33

so so embarrassed for her - just all kinds of wrong and not the way to behave if she didn't inform you of this when extending the invitation

so very rude and VERY assumptive that you can afford to pay her the money for what was her 'happy fun play date time' for her kid. £10 is not a small amount to many people on a tight budget - to some families that is a meal for a night

I wish I could offer some advice - one part of me says feck it and ignore the other pay and never go there again

Absolutely cringing again that she asked you for the money!!!!!!!

LizzieMacQueen · 21/01/2016 11:34

Is this the thing - soft play and tea out on a school night?

When mine were wee, a play date hastily arranged at the school gates would have been play at the kid's house followed by pizza or fish fingers and chips.

I guess the context is key. Did you know she was planning taking them to soft play (in which case you'd have had your chance to offer to pay)?

Hippee · 21/01/2016 11:38

It sounds as though she chose to go to soft play instead of the hassle of entertaining at home. I'd love to send her an invoice for the next playdate at home with "Craft activity £, Food, ££, Cleaning costs £££" itemised Smile.

SlightlyJaded · 21/01/2016 11:39

I think it depends on how it was planned:

"Does DS want to come for tea?"
"Oh yes lovely - thanks"

And then soft play happened without you being aware/consulted= her choice, therefore: cheeky fucker

"I'm taking my DS to softplay, would your DS like to come?"
"Oh yes lovely - thanks" -

You should pay with good grace.

My DC are older. I am going to generate an electricity bill for the parents of itemising time spent using tv/xbox. Grin

threelittlerapscallions · 21/01/2016 11:41

Awful. I would have just got you to take my child out and pay another time if i was concerned I was the one doing all the spending. Awful and rude to ask you for money.

CocktailQueen · 21/01/2016 11:46

She had offered to give him tea. It was her choice to take him out to a soft play and feed him there - without asking if you were happy with it?

I'd bill her for the meals you've taken her dc out for. See what she says. Greedy mare.

Throwingshade · 21/01/2016 11:47

There are no circumstances that I would ask for reimbursement - except for a very expensive outing and that would be made clear from the off (say a theme park, holiday, theatre).

OP I would NOT respond to the text.

If you reply with some of the wordy, hoity toity suggestions here you will lose the upper hand and passive aggressive text responses just make you look bad.

Just give her the tenner tomorrow perfectly normally but don't say anything more than 'here you go' - see what she says and if she starts rambling about not usually asking or seeming nervous then give her a steady look and say something neutral like 'Ok. thanks again for taking her'.

NeedACleverNN · 21/01/2016 11:48

I had assumed it was simply a playdate at your house. Had you informed.me you were taking them somewhere pricey I would have course have eithe given you the money prior or declined as I can't afford it right now

This

Original poster
WaitrosePigeon · 21/01/2016 11:54

Shit she's replied with this;

'Ok. Maybe next time you should decline if I take them out and you're struggling with money. Hope all is okay with you X'

What? She wanted to take them there? Oh I don't want a text war with her. Shall I just totally leave it? I will give her the money after school. This is going to be awkward now isn't it!

OP posts:
Sunbeam1112 · 21/01/2016 11:54

I'm going agaisnt the grain i would always offer any money incase of activities before the playdate. I think its rude not to but it is also rude of her to ask for the money. I would pay but in future always check. I wouldn't assume they are ok to cover the costs of my child.

Original poster
WaitrosePigeon · 21/01/2016 11:55

Ps definitely spent near £50 on her child. It was our choice though. We even took them to Legoland last year and I didn't say anything. Of course I wouldn't because it was our treat..

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/01/2016 11:56

That's a crap reply of her. She's clearly thinking that you knew she was taking them out somewhere you have to pay.

I wouldn't respond. Or take her kid anywhere.

QuietWhenReading · 21/01/2016 11:57

Yes, it is going to be awkward for a little while. I hate to say I told you so...

Pay the money quietly and say to her ;'(not text) that you didn't realise she was going to take them out. Thank her for having him.

Them move on. There is no need to make this a bug argument.

Original poster
WaitrosePigeon · 21/01/2016 11:57

Ps yes I knew about soft play. I didn't know dinner was happening there though. It costs about £1.50 for the soft play and to be honest I didn't think I would have to offer that?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/01/2016 11:57

That was a very snotty reply from her Shock.

Don't reply,pay her and then keep things very cool with her from now on.

BurningBridges · 21/01/2016 11:58

You just can't win here; ideally you could reply, oh yes that's fine, of course I will decline if I know in advance

but as you say, text wars hmm? Just give her the money and avoid.