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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This mum is totally unreasonable isn't she? Help me word a reply!

540 replies

WaitrosePigeon · 21/01/2016 10:32

My son went to his friends house for a play and tea yesterday. They are both 5. They went to a local soft play.

I went to pick my son up and the husband was there, all good. Had a great time.

I text the mum to say thank you etc and I had this reply...

'No problem! They had a great time at soft play and then they had some dinner there. It came to £10.00. You can give me the money at the gates tomorrow. Have a nice evening! X'

Erm what the fuck? Is that normal? What do I do?

OP posts:

UnDeuxTroisCatsSank · 21/01/2016 11:01

I would pay it and do a huge passive aggressive text
And super over apologise:

I am so sorry! God! How hopeless of me. I can't believe I did not give you the money at the time. I hate, hate, hate when people expect you to look after their kids and not pay their way. You must forgive me. I will OF COURSE give you the money tomorrow. I hope you don't think badly of me. I am just not at all the kind of person who does not pay her way. I feel TERRIBLE."

She will be so confused, it might just get her thinking about it.
:)

hufflebottom · 21/01/2016 11:03

I'd pay and remind myself for the future that if she offers a play date again then decline.

I thought if you did a play date then if you decided to go out then you foot the bill. That's what I've always done?

Have I missed a trick?

evilcherub · 21/01/2016 11:04

I would say;

"I will bring the £10 for next time I see you. In turn, please could you bring the £40 for the cost of taking your son out for a meal last time I had him for a playdate, thank you!".

NewYearSameMe · 21/01/2016 11:04

I would say something to her like "I didn't realise that this was the play date etiquette around here as you didn't offer any money either of the time that I took your son out." Say it nice and clearly, in front of lots of witnesses, and wave the tenner around a bit as you hand it over.

KinkyAfro · 21/01/2016 11:04

I do think that you need to mention that you've taken her child out for meals and not asked for money

briss · 21/01/2016 11:04

oh and I wouldn't bother to reply to the text

just hand money over in the playground

but do NOT say thank you!!

LieselMeminger · 21/01/2016 11:07

If I know that dd is going out to something that costs money with her friend I'll offer something towards it. It's never accepted. If we take dds friend out their parents offer something I don't accept either. If we couldn't afford it then we wouldn't go, we'd do something at home.

I'd not dream if demanding money afterwards without even checking before hand, but I'd thinking pay this once, if the kids are good mates it would be a shame to end their friendship but you'd need to make sure there is no future misunderstandings and ask her to let you know before taking your dc to something that costs if she needs you to contribute. £10 might not sound much to some, but it's a days food budget for a whole family for others.

Iwantakitchen · 21/01/2016 11:08

I would just pay and shut up about it. If someone offers to take my kids out I always give them money - always - some parents say no I'm happy to pay, whereas others are a bit stretched for money and I think everyone can understand that. And you don't know who can afford it and who can't.

I would just write 'sorry I didn't offer' and that's it.

Thymeout · 21/01/2016 11:09

I'm wondering if the fact that the DH was there - and perhaps paid - is the reason she's now asking you for money. Perhaps he's not aware of the usual etiquette and has kicked off about it? She should have put him right but could be a factor?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/01/2016 11:10

Why are people suggesting just paying? The woman is rude. She knows full well OP has taken her son out on a number of occassions and she didn't pay, yet is demanding money from op! There is nothing cheeky about clarifying how exactly playdates are to be financed and asking to be reimbursed if that's the way the other mum wants to play it.

FairiesAreReal · 21/01/2016 11:10

Agree with Mutton - don't let her get away with it.
I'd text her again and say "I didn't realise we were doing it like this, do you want me to work out what you owe me for the times i've taken your DS out? xx"

Grrrrr

WinterChill · 21/01/2016 11:11

Absolutely shocking!

If I invite one of the DC friends round for a play date I wouldn't expect or dream of asking for their parents to pay the way. I've offered them for tea so the cost would be on me.

LemonBreeland · 21/01/2016 11:12

If you didn't know they were being taken to soft play then you couldn't possilby have offered the money in the first place.

I'm afraid I would have to mention the meals out that she hadn't offered any money for. She is cheeky as hell.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/01/2016 11:12

ThymeOut there is literally nothing to say that's the case, that's going beyond speculation into just grabbing random ideas out of thin air. Even if it were the case, the mum should then pay the tenner out her own pocket.

Eva50 · 21/01/2016 11:12

I think you should either pay the money and not arrange further play dates with that child or txt back saying that you will take them out next week/beginning of February/whenever and so that will be it even.

I never take money from other parents if I'm taking their children out and although I send ds with the entrance fee if he's going out with someone else they have always returned it saying it was their treat. I can't believe she's charging you for his tea!

PennyHasNoSurname · 21/01/2016 11:14

Oh my word!

Id say "I had assumed it was simply a playdate at your house. Had you informed.me you were taking them somewhere pricey I would have course have eithe given you the money prior or declined"

AddToBasket · 21/01/2016 11:14

Pay and don't try to make her feel uncomfortable. Chalk it up to experience.

I think if you try to teach her a lesson you are in danger of making yourself look arsey. (I'm totally with you, but this has the potential to be one of 'those playground squabbles' all over and no-one comes out well. Keep yourself in the clear!)

LaurieFairyCake · 21/01/2016 11:15

I don't think it's rude. She could entirely have forgotten that you'd previously taken her kid somewhere there was a cost involved ( especially if you're really nice and didn't make a big deal about it like normal people)

I would pay happily as that's the way she does play dates. And if I did have her kid again ( I wouldn't) I would model good behaviour by checking in advance with her any spends before you took her kid anywhere.

VenusRising · 21/01/2016 11:17

Give her ten pounds monopoly money
Or a cheque signed Minnie Mouse.

I'd let her know that she's not going to get along very well organising her DS's social life if she's itemising every morsel of food and toy any child uses.

Let her know you're still putting together her invoice for all the times you've fed her child!!

Seriously, she's on a short plank there.

I'd not pay, as it was a surprise that she wasn't hosting the kids in her own house and had an activity planned for them.
You haven't arranged that they would go to the soft play, or negotiated that you were liable for any costs.
I'd also mention that it seems to be too expensive a business to have your son over at her's, and that you'll be declining in future, and others might feel the same way when you tell them.

I guess it's up to you whether you want to burn bridges, or to rub along. Fwiw I'd put the word out that she's charging for play dates- she may have got away with it before, with some other mother, and maybe she uses it to make money!!! See if anyone else has been stung?

CallieTorres · 21/01/2016 11:19

Seems very expensive to me

What would the cost breakdown be? 1.50 entry? 8.50 food???

BurningBridges · 21/01/2016 11:19

Had anyone done that to me, I couldn't have afforded the £10 - I would have to say I am really sorry I don't have it, I didn't think you were taking them out. If I invite a child, I always expect to pay and most times mums offer money. One time I was really skint and I had to ask the mum for money upfront and she was but only because she is very wealthy and has no concept of it being difficult to afford things (HK ex-pat).

If you can afford it, pay it and just don't get in that situation again. if you can't afford it, say so, say "oh I wish you'd told me I would have said no, I can't afford it".

Spanglecrab · 21/01/2016 11:21

Just pay in ten pence pieces and spend 15 minutes at the gates counting it out.

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 21/01/2016 11:21

Seriously - stop advising the OP to just pay! For what? A quiet life? That's all sorts of wrong - quite apart from anything else it wasn't agreed prior to the play arrangement. If OP pays then this woman will think what she's doing is ok and it just isn't.

Spanglecrab · 21/01/2016 11:21

You could even get her to hold out her hand first

briss · 21/01/2016 11:23

OR you could just ignore the text and talk to her as if nothing has happened. I'd be quite tempted to do that actually. Make her actually ask you to your face.

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