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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad I won't be going to this wedding?

131 replies

WonderingAspie · 18/01/2016 21:11

A relative is getting married soon, we are invited but it's not in the country we live in and would cost at least 5k to go. We don't have this so are not going, there are no hard feelings at all but it makes me sad I won't be at the wedding. There was original talk of DD being bridesmaid but obviously that can't happen. I also can't go to the hen do, again no hard feelings but every time I see a post on FB about the wedding, or they mention it, it just reminds me again (although i dont show it, this was their choice). I feel guilty for not going although I know I shouldn't. I am very excited and happy for the bride and groom and would have loved to be there. It's also hard when many other family members are going. Part of me thinks the family that is really bothered about (by B and G) can go anyway so it doesn't really matter about the rest but I am fully aware that IABU on that and this is my issue to deal with, not theirs.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 23/01/2016 09:16

I've been both - both had a wedding abroad and been a guest at a wedding abroad. Have also not been able to go to a wedding abroad.

Also having to try and negotiate unpaid leave for a weekday wedding in the uk - I'm not generally allowed time off for non immediate family. Is that selfish of the bride and groom to choose a term time week day??? I don't think so personally even if it means I can't make it (I'm hoping I can especially as my dh is best man.)
It's their own Wedding, their choice.

So long as a bride and groom don't get upset if people can't or won't go to their wedding, then that's their choice.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 23/01/2016 09:21

I think it's a bit of a nonsense that the poster has said she didn't want to save to go to the wedding because this would be detrimental to her own life plans (fair enough) but a lot of posters don't think the bride and groom were entitled to prioritise what they want to do for their own wedding.

It's not financial discrimination at all. It's just a couple planning what they want to do for their wedding.

MissBattleaxe · 23/01/2016 10:27

But a wedding invitation shouldn't be detrimental to people's plans. The Op could have to save for a college fund or home repairs for all we know. if a wedding couple is expecting guests to spend that sort of serious money on their wedding then there is something very wrong.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 23/01/2016 11:10

As I see it the couple are not 'expecting' anything - they've extended the invitation but are not being narky about it being declined. However they are prioritising themselves, just as the poster is by not wanting to save up/spend the cash.

Hulababy · 23/01/2016 11:28

But many weddings do have to have an impact on people's plans, even if not abroad!

Hotels are not cheap - it's not unusual for a wedding to be at a venue requiring overnight accommodation - this is usually more than £100 per night at least.
Travel to places costs.
New outfits are usually required.
Wedding gifts cost money.
Childcare costs when it's child free.
Loss of holidays or unpaid leave when it's further away, needing Friday travel, or on a week say as so many are these days.

As said before so long as the couple are not EXPECTING everyone to attend and are not in a strip of someone declines, the I think they are entitled to make their own choices about their own wedding.

WicksEnd · 23/01/2016 11:51

Why don't you go on your own?
I'm doing that this year, costs for all four of us are too much but I am closest to the person getting married and DH insisted I made the most of it so I'm going for a week with my best friend SmileGrin

DragonMamma · 23/01/2016 12:14

We've got the same problem this year, OP.

SIL is getting married abroad and there would have only been 9months notice by the time it happens. It's during term time, too far to go for just the weekend and the venue is expensive.

Purely accommodation and flights will be circa £2.5k for us 4 to attend. I would imagine there would be another £1.5k for spending money, gifts and outfits. So we can't go.

If we had the money, we would be there in a heartbeat but we don't. The problem is that I don't think SIL will understand this so DH hasn't told her yet as she's liable to kick off.

I agree that the cost may be cheaper for the B&G but it is by simply pushing the costs on to the guests.

I have suggested DH go alone but he doesn't want to go to a family wedding, without his own family.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 23/01/2016 12:42

DragonMama - it is only pushing the cost on to guests if you make them feel bad about not going.

(I'm not married btw so not coming at this from an angle).

Notso · 23/01/2016 12:55

This happened to us with SILs wedding. It stung a bit to think their dream wedding didn't include us.

NinjaClaws · 23/01/2016 13:18

No, you're not BU to feel sad, if that's how you feel.

Personally, I can take or leave weddings and I've happily declined attending a family one in the Spring as its back in the UK so I have the fab excuse of it being too expensive to travel just to attend the wedding.

My poor sister's quite frazzled by the specific requirements from the bride and as its her second wedding, I'm a bit surprised she's so fussy about it all, to be honest.

As long as they have a happy marriage, that's all that matters really.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/01/2016 13:33

Dragonmamma, it's different if they are going to kick off because you can't go. It that case she should be helping you finance your trip if she cares that much.

DragonMamma · 23/01/2016 16:33

FedUp & MiddleClass - I'm hoping she won't but from experience both DH and I think she will have a lot to say on the matter. I wish DH would just tell her now so we can deal with the fallout and hopefully be welcome to any party they have back in the UK!

MissBattleaxe · 23/01/2016 17:43

Dragon- I actually think its arrogant to expect people to spend 4k on attending their wedding. Yes, of course you can say no, but it makes some people feel obliged to find the money to avoid hurt feelings or missing out and I think that's an awkward position to put someone in.

Also if your SIL kicks off about you not stumping up 4k then she is taking unreasonable to a whole new level. It's like saying our wedding is so important we expect you to fork out 4k for the privilege of attending. 4k is half the price of our UK wedding. It's a ridiculous amount to expect someone to spend on just attending one.

MissBattleaxe · 23/01/2016 17:45

DragonMama - it is only pushing the cost on to guests if you make them feel bad about not going

I disagree. People feel obliged to try and find the money either to save face or because family weddings are important to them. I think its really unfair. It introduces a two tier wedding- well off guests can attend, less well off guests cannot.

Original poster
WonderingAspie · 23/01/2016 22:05

headofthehive, one word, childcare Grin.

missbattleaxe I agree with everything you have said. You are better at putting things into words than me.

A poster said something about me putting household repairs or something and choosing not to save (sorry, cannot remember the exact wording), do you really think it is reasonable to not spend any money at all on you or your own family just to spend a couple of years saving to attend a wedding? I love weddings and would always go if we were able, this was not doable for us, no matter how much I want to. If we were more comfortably off, I probably would have done and possibly sucked up a fine from school but I'm not sacrificing all family holidays (and we do go away on the cheap), any decorating or diy in the new house and depleting savings to do it. Plus our financial situation was different when the 'notice to save' was given and we were in a worse position, thankfully in a bit better position now but my income situation is precarious and could change at any time. I have to be aware of this all the time.

To the poster who said could I go, I did consider this but decided against it. I don't want to out myself but my health is not great and I would effectively end up alone for a lot of the time abroad as I wouldn't be able to keep up with the activities and lifestyle they will lead there.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 23/01/2016 23:09

wondering oh I see. Grin

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 23/01/2016 23:45

No I don't think you should put a wedding ahead of household bills if you can't afford it. But I'm just saying that just as you do what is right for your family other people do what is right for them.

However your starting place is that everyone's "dream wedding" is a massive do with all their loved ones there. That's just not the case and people are entitled to choose a different path.

Headofthehive55 · 24/01/2016 08:14

fedup I think you have the crux of the problem. I think a dream wedding includes your family, but clearly for some people it doesn't. I'd hope that my family cared enough about me to really want me there, but for some people they don't seem to mind if family attends or not.

But then we are a very close family, some I suppose are not.

DinosaursRoar · 24/01/2016 09:02

Yes, that's the problem, the expectation amongst friends and family that a wedding is a sort of 'community/family event' (not the right words, but you get the gist) where as for the couple, it's an event happening to just them that they have invited people to join.

I suppose when family paid for weddings, then it was more about the family gathering than what the couple wanted (you'll find lots of woman in my mum's generation who say things like "oh, my mum and gran arranged our wedding, I just picked my dress."), but with couples paying for it themselves for the last generation or so, it's moved to being all about the couple and how they would like to spend a huge sum of money (or not, if I was getting married now rather than before DCs, there's no way I'd be able to justify spending the £20k our wedding cost or have anywhere near as many guests).

OP - If you have health issues that means you can't travel, that puts a different slant on this (and perhaps the couple should have factored that into their planning), and must make you feel even more isolated in the family. Will they have a party when they are home?

Headofthehive55 · 24/01/2016 09:13

Still expect to pay for DDs wedding here! Mind you I've told her a budget, she can either spend on a deposit for a house or fancy wedding!

Bunbaker · 24/01/2016 09:50

You have hit the nail on the head DinosaursRoar. I probably am the same age as your mother's generation, so to me weddings are mainly family affairs, and this includes inviting children, with the bride and groom at the centre of it.

Although I don't have an issue with couples having the wedding they want as long as they don't get pissy with people they have invited declining their invitations on grounds of cost and logistics. They are being self absorbed if they do. If they want to share their joy with as many people as possible they have to make it easy for the guests.

MissBattleaxe · 24/01/2016 10:11

I see your point Dinosaurs. It is true that couples now pay for their own weddings and have more autonomy. However weddings have now become a ridiculous circus of an industry and some, not all but some, couples just get blinded by wedding madness.

Bunbaker · 24/01/2016 10:12

I agree MissBattleaxe. I wonder if there is some element of keeping up with the Jones's.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 24/01/2016 10:18

Most weddings just seem to be about money, be it the bride (the grooms don't usually care about matching table secs etc) spending on the huge day itself or recouping the costs via some cringeworthy cash request.

Very few seem to be about the vows and the joining of the families sadly.

I'd help my children with uni costs or a house deposit but wouldn't pay for what is essentially a party.

Bunbaker · 24/01/2016 10:21

You are right Autumn. I see very few posts about it being a marriage. It is all about the "dream wedding", which is only one day after all.