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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad I won't be going to this wedding?

131 replies

WonderingAspie · 18/01/2016 21:11

A relative is getting married soon, we are invited but it's not in the country we live in and would cost at least 5k to go. We don't have this so are not going, there are no hard feelings at all but it makes me sad I won't be at the wedding. There was original talk of DD being bridesmaid but obviously that can't happen. I also can't go to the hen do, again no hard feelings but every time I see a post on FB about the wedding, or they mention it, it just reminds me again (although i dont show it, this was their choice). I feel guilty for not going although I know I shouldn't. I am very excited and happy for the bride and groom and would have loved to be there. It's also hard when many other family members are going. Part of me thinks the family that is really bothered about (by B and G) can go anyway so it doesn't really matter about the rest but I am fully aware that IABU on that and this is my issue to deal with, not theirs.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 20/01/2016 22:37

You are of course can do whatever you want, but doing whatever to make you happy sometimes comes at a cost, hurting other people for instance. I'm not just applying this to weddings.

People don't usually exist in isolation, they come as part of a family. And as such I hope people have regard for their family in their decisions.

Often you are there for family and family is there for you. Those sort of bonds are strengthened by shared experiences whether it be cousin bobs wedding or Christmas with grandma.

In the past few months I've read threads about

I'm not sharing Christmas.
I'm not sharing my child with grandparents.
I'm not sharing my wedding day with my mother.

I am wondering when I'll see a thread bemoaning the fact you have to share your birth experience with your child!

tspika1981 · 20/01/2016 22:39

It is sad to not be able to do something you'd like to do, of course. I still occasionally think about how it's a shame I couldn't go to a good friend's wedding – it's a shame. It never occurred to me to feel guilty, though.

And when I travelled to the other side of the planet for my own wedding, I was equally sad that most of my family and friends from home couldn't attend because of the distance. (I still invited them, of course.) But not everyone can go to everything, and no one needed to feel guilty. It was all fine; I really hope none of them were secretly upset about it.

Bunbaker · 21/01/2016 10:25

An excellent post Headofthehive55

When OH and I got married it was in my home town. It meant that his family had to travel over 300 miles to the wedding. They weren't, and still aren't, well off so we chose an inexpensive hotel within walking distance of the church for the reception rather than some fancy pants place that would have cost them an arm and a leg to stay at, not to mention the cost of taxis to ferry them around.

I don't like this attitude of "it's our day so we can do what we like and we don't care if we piss everyone off". To me a wedding is an occasion to share with your family and friends, or you goto the other end of the spectrum and go off to Gretna Green/Las Vegas or wherever and present it as a fait accompli after the event.

I find it really sad that so many bridezillas make weddings so expensive for guests to attend.

EssentialHummus · 21/01/2016 10:39

I agree with hive. Yes it's the B&G's special day, but surely part of what makes it special is including the family?

My situation is slightly complicated: DP (now fiance) and I are both foreigners living in London. His dad can't leave their home country (very senior army type, paranoid country). His mum would be really uncomfortable leaving that country without dad, and has never been outside of the former Soviet Union. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am seeing less and less of my mum after she said some horrendous things to me - there was no door-slamming declaration of no contact, but it's heading that way. I can hardly invite my dad but not my mum, and both of them live overseas anyway. I've no siblings. I'd love for my gran to attend our wedding, but she is very old and frail and, again, living overseas. We will probably get married in a local registry office with two friends. As much as I don't like wedding fuss and huge budgets, there are people I'd like there that I just can't have with me. (The best alternative we found is to have 3(!) weddings so family members in each country can participate, which feels wildly excessive.)

I am slightly jealous of people who have more or less functional families living in one country, where the sum total of wedding inconvenience is ferrying Granny 300 miles to Kent or whatever. Unless you are genuinely not on speaking terms with them I don't understand why you wouldn't want them around? A wedding is partly about two families coming together in celebration.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/01/2016 10:46

YANBU to feel sad about missing it but maybe you could be there through Skype? It's quite the things these days.

Every wedding is selfish, that's the point. You're gathering people you have chosen. If you do it just the two of you then you're srlfish for not inviting anyone. If you invite everyone then you're selfish for wanting everyone in one place.
That's the wonderful thing about getting married, you get a day that's about the two of you!

MiddleClassProblem · 21/01/2016 10:47

Also should add that weddings where the couple are overruled by parents or child brides etc are still selfish, just to someone else.

MissBattleaxe · 21/01/2016 16:58

child brides??

Bunbaker · 21/01/2016 17:18

I agree MIddle, but it was OH and I who made the decision on where we held the reception because we wanted OH's family to be there and had to be realistic about what they could afford.

I was a student at the time so my mum made most of the arrangements, but with input from me. I have been married a long time and back then quite often it was the parents of the bride who organised and paid for the wedding, which is what happened in my case.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/01/2016 17:21

Yes, child brides is a dark 3rd world problem but you have to cover all bases on here otherwise you get some dickhead popping up saying "child brides aren't selfish" so it's just best to make your point all in 1.

DinosaursRoar · 21/01/2016 17:53

A wedding is partly about two families coming together in celebration - I think this is the crux of the problem now, particularly with couples getting married later and them hosting the wedding, rather than it being their parents' event.

For a lot of people, they don't view marriage as about their families joining together, but a private, legal contract and commitment between 2 people, whom have invited some people who matter to them to help them celebrate - for most people, 'the people who matter' are family, for many, extended family doesn't play much part in their lives by the time they are getting married.

For the OP - it does sound like the couple picking the overseas wedding have made sure 'the people who matter the most' will be able to go - she said many are going - so it is not the "selfish" decision others might think. We got married in the UK, close to where we were living at the time and near to DH's family (My family are from the other end of the country), we did things like check the 'key people' on both sides were free on that date before we booked, there were others who we invited and hoped would be able to make it but couldn't come. That doesn't mean we didn't care about them, but it wasn't practical to check first with 70+ people before picking a date.

OP - they could have got married in the UK and for some other reason you not be able to go if you weren't one of the 'key people to check with'.

Original poster
WonderingAspie · 21/01/2016 21:01

If they were getting married in the UK it wouldn't be an issue because it wouldn't cost 5k to go and I would have travelled/stayed in a hotel to attend. We would have been invited as we were welcome to go to the one they are having, it's just we can't afford to.

I did ask about Skype as I did think about that. Bride isn't sure if they do it where they are having the wedding as it's not a usual wedding place. I will get her to check though as at least that would be something.

OP posts:
ConesOfDunshire · 21/01/2016 21:13

YANBU.

Both of my cousins have had 'destination' weddings, which their dad (my uncle) couldn't afford to attend. Consequently, he missed out on seeing either one of his children get married. Really sad.

MissBattleaxe · 21/01/2016 21:41

It is sad, Its usually the couples themselves that say its not selfish, but I think it is. You've known your family longer than your bloke and they'll be there for life (assuming you get on with your family).

I couldn't do it to mine. I would hate to a) risk them not being able to attend and b) expect them to cough up a large amount of money that might put them in difficulty.

Pippa12 · 21/01/2016 23:27

I got married abroad. No regrets what so ever. There was no pressure, we didn't send formal invites till people had all booked on. It was in Turkey so affordable to most (52 guests). I think it was beautiful and half the price of a wedding here. We paid for transfers to and from wedding venue, flowers, food, all drinks (inc. champagne) all day/night. No regrets, absoloutly no guilty conscience. Wedding still talked about years later. To suggest it's a selfish act is ludicrous.

BackforGood · 21/01/2016 23:59

YANBU to feel a bit sad, or disappointed. I love to go to weddings of people I care about, so would be sad to miss them too.
Yes, I know logically or rationally that it's totally up to the B&G / that I had the wedding of my choice and they are doing what they want to do / that I'm not entitled to go to anyone's wedding, but it wouldn't stop me feeling a bit sad I'd not been able to share such an important event in their lives.

MissBattleaxe · 22/01/2016 08:57

Pippa- it might have been half the price for you and the groom, but add up 52 plane fares and accommodation and it certainly wasn't cheaper for your guests.

Original poster
WonderingAspie · 22/01/2016 11:10

Exactly backforgood (you have nailed how I feel btw) and battleaxe. It does make me laugh a bit when the B and G (and it's always them, never the guests) say it's their day/their choice/cheaper for them. Hell of a lot more expensive for their guests, but never mind, as long as they save money hey.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 22/01/2016 11:15

Also guests never tell the bride and groom the truth about what they thought about the wedding.

"What a lovely day your wedding was! You looked so lovely"

What they may be sometimes thinking is "cost me an arm and a leg and we couldn't go on holiday that year"

Pippa12 · 22/01/2016 11:30

But nobody is forced to go to a wedding abroad??? I don't understand the logic behind saying it's selfish. The only people who think it's selfish are those that can't afford to go- hard luck but that's life. Everyone else goes and has a fab time! I love weddings abroad, we use it as are annual holiday which my friends and family have every year anyway. If it was somewhere I didn't fancy/had other commitments and would wave them off with a big smile on my face and genuinely happy that the couple are doing their 'dream' wedding. Invites are invites- not summons.

Thunderblunder · 22/01/2016 11:42

I didn't get the wedding day I would have liked because we had to invite parents.
I would have liked our wedding to have been DH, me, our 5DC and 2 witnesses and us all dressed in jeans and tshirts.
My parents were absolutely fine with this but DH said his parents had to be invited otherwise his mum would have been upset. As a result we ended up with 5 parents and my brother.
I'm loving the fact that we are married but our wedding day doesn't hold any special memories for me becuase we had to do things to suit other people.

riverboat1 · 22/01/2016 11:43

I think that some couples would prefer to get married somewhere exotic, beautiful and removed from their daily lives, so they get married abroad and have those memories of a beautiful location and special place forever. Others want above all to have as many friends and family around them as possible, and have memories of being with loved ones, and everyone witnessing the marriage.

I can understand both choices and think it's fine either way as long as invitees aren't pressurised to come.

MissBattleaxe · 22/01/2016 12:22

The only people who think it's selfish are those that can't afford to go- hard luck but that's life

Do you not see the irony in that Pippa?

Original poster
WonderingAspie · 22/01/2016 12:25

I do missbattleaxe! Grin

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 22/01/2016 12:31

I love weddings abroad, we use it as are annual holiday which my friends and family have every year anyway

Yes, but maybe they would prefer to choose where they go and maybe they had something else planned and didn't want to go to a bride and groom show instead.

For some years DH and I had to turn down several invitations as we couldn't afford it. "Oh the Battleaxes couldn't come as they couldn't afford it."

It's a really lovely feeling being the ones who missed it because we were too poor.

Headofthehive55 · 22/01/2016 12:53

No it's not nice being the ones left out because you can't afford it. Not everybody has a holiday abroad every year, pippa. My children have never been abroad in a hotel. Come to think of it, nether have I. Your family is the one place you should be able to fit in with, irrespective of financial circumstances.

Consider if all your family decide to do their own thing, not invite nearest and dearest to their weddings. And other celebrations. Birthdays. Soon there would be no family events to attend. for me that would be very sad indeed.