AIBU to feel sad I won't be going to this wedding?

[WonderingAspie]

A relative is getting married soon, we are invited but it's not in the country we live in and would cost at least 5k to go. We don't have this so are not going, there are no hard feelings at all but it makes me sad I won't be at the wedding. There was original talk of DD being bridesmaid but obviously that can't happen. I also can't go to the hen do, again no hard feelings but every time I see a post on FB about the wedding, or they mention it, it just reminds me again (although i dont show it, this was their choice). I feel guilty for not going although I know I shouldn't. I am very excited and happy for the bride and groom and would have loved to be there. It's also hard when many other family members are going. Part of me thinks the family that is really bothered about (by B and G) can go anyway so it doesn't really matter about the rest but I am fully aware that IABU on that and this is my issue to deal with, not theirs.

[Casmama]

How far away is it op? Could you go on your own and for just a couple of days?

[thefourgp]

Yanbu to be a bit sad about it but it's their wedding so it's their choice. It's good you were all given a choice without feeling pressured to attend. I get a bit annoyed about foreign hen party's becoming the norm. One of my best friends had one last year and another one is having one this year. I have young kids too and I'm not spending £500 on a holiday with my friends. One of them got quite pissy that her poorer friends wouldn't go. Wish them well and enjoy the photos OP. X

[fudgesmummy]

My 26 year old dd is getting married in Antigua in March, just her and her hubby to be. No guests nothing. It is breaking my heart to know I won't get to see her married. It's their choice for no one else not even their parents to be there.

[DinosaursRoar]

It's true that the total cost of the wedding is a lot less for the bride and groom, if you assume they would be paying for a honeymoon anyway, so by being abroad, they don't have to host 200+ people, they can invite 200+ people but only pay out for a wedding for eg 20 people. Makes it all a lot cheaper. If you know your 'key people' can afford it and would be happy to go, it makes it an easier choice.

We toyed with the idea (both sets of parents had offered us money towards the wedding in the UK, that would have easily covered theirs and our siblings travel instead, the money we would have had to put in would have been a lot less as a fraction of the numbers would accept our invite and the costs per head would be lower, our travel costs and room would have been out of our honeymoon budget) - however dismissed it as we wanted more people at our wedding.

If you fancied the small wedding that many on here rave about (the under 20 people say) then it's a good way round it without putting people's noses out of joint by not asking them.

It's sad that you would like to go and join in but can't afford it. Perhaps think that they obviously don't want a big, traditional wedding, so if they were having it in the UK, they might well have done something like just get married with a very small group and you might not have been invited.

[DarkDarkNight]

I wouldn't attend anybody's wedding if they chose to have it abroad unless it was my own child. Maybe if I had an endless supply of money, but I would rather spend that sort of money on my own holiday, not to be a bit part in somebody's wedding. But I am a bit meh about weddings anyway.

If somebody chooses to have a wedding abroad that is totally up to them, but they should do so on the understanding that some family and friends will won't be able to go for financial/work/caring commitments etc.

I would just buy them a card and present and wish them well, but if you can't afford it you can't afford it. They cannot be that bothered about every single relative being able to attend or they would marry closer to home.

[CakeFail]

I'm with darkdark - except I bloody love weddings if I can attend without feeling like we're all joining the B&G on their honeymoon, which is kind of how I imagine weddings abroad must be.

DH's friend is getting married abroad soon and we actually are going. I'm very happy for the couple and we'll make the best of the wedding and going abroad with them, but I do kind of wish we could just go to a non-abroad wedding in London... where the B&G live and where they are actually from. But then it's not my wedding so not my choice.

[LagunaBubbles]

My 26 year old dd is getting married in Antigua in March, just her and her hubby to be. No guests nothing. It is breaking my heart to know I won't get to see her married. It's their choice for no one else not even their parents to be there

That would hurt me to, so sorry. I dont get all this "my dream wedding abroad" type thing - it wouldn't be a dream wedding for me if my loved ones couldn't be there. Cheaper than ta home in the UK? Yes for the Bride and Groom probably - not everyone else!

[Quoteunquote]

Yes for the Bride and Groom probably - not everyone else!

It is their wedding , so doing what suits them seems fair.

[DinosaursRoar]

Laguna - same here, but many people on MN talk enthusastically about just eloping, seem to hate the idea of fuss or attention, want to be married but not have a wedding etc. I see a wedding as a family event, but many others see it as an event that's only really happening to the couple and everyone else is 'just helping them celebrate'.

[totalrecall1]

YABU some people want to get married abroad in a lovely italian church or on a beach. That is up to them. It is up to you whether or not you choose to spend the money. I would love to go to a wedding abroad if I had the chance. Not really sure what your issue is

[LagunaBubbles]

quote

Not disagreeing with "Yes its their wedding" thing, just seen it so many times. Last thread here was about a Mother not being able to get time off term time to go abroad for her DDs "dream" wedding. Wouldn't be my idea of a "dream" wedding without my Mum there, no location abroad could make up for that. Guess we all have different priorities regarding a wedding day.

[LagunaBubbles]

Not really sure what your issue is

OP clearly states the issue is not being able to afford to go to a wedding she would have liked to.

[Bearbehind]

they have just decided to go abroad to get married and anyone who wanted to go was welcome

I wouldn't say that meant you were 'invited' as such.

I think that weddings abroad are selfish if the B&G expect people to attend and pay for themselves but if they say 'this is where we're going and when, we'd love you to be there but understand if you can't / won't' then that's fine.

[Headofthehive55]

fudgesmummy that must be so hurtful.

My cousin is planning to marry abroad and my aunt can't afford to go. Her family can of course.

[fudgesmummy]

Yes Headofthehive55. and LagunaBubbles. I am very hurt and sad. 2 of my closest friend are getting married in the next few weeks and it upsets me not to be able to join in with the wedding chat. They are having a small party on their return but my in laws are paying for that so they are involved with the planning so I can't even help plan that

[Headofthehive55]

Does your DD know how you feel? fudge sometimes we do have to let them know. Otherwise she perhaps thinks you are all ok with it, we do like to put a brave face on things!

There are lots of aspects to wedding that traditionally involve the brides mother, its not just the day. Is there anything you can help with? Shopping for her dress perhaps? Perhaps you could take her shopping and just try on clothes for you and choose the outfit and hat that you would have had...that's about you not her so you could have a nice day out together.

[WonderingAspie]

fudge that's definitely worse, the thought of not seeing any of my children get married would break my heart. I do think that is selfish of your DD. People should know that whilst it is the B and G's day, there are people who want to share and celebrate it with them.

I'll try and answer some things that have been brought up when I read through.

Our issue (as I stated quite clearly) is the 5k cost. We don't have it and even if we did have this sort of budget for a holiday, I couldn't justify spending it on attending a wedding, it's not a child friendly place either so crap for the DCs. Plus it is term time and we would get fined taking the DCs out of school.

I can't go myself, I did think of that but it would still cost me over 1.5k. DH would have to take time off work anyway, the DCs would be very upset and it's not near enough for me to go for a couple of days. I was very tempted to go by myself but I know i'd end up hanging out alone as my health means I can't keep up with all the active people going

Thankfully DD didn't know anything about being a BM.

It is a person that is close enough that it would bother people, not wanting to out myself by saying the exact relationship.

We got married here for 2k, weddings don't need to cost a lot. Their flights and accommodation alone are costing more than our wedding so it's slightly annoying to hear that it is to make it cheaper. I agree with a pp that it's to make it cheaper for the B and G not having to pay for guests etc.

I can't fully explain but to me, the main people that the B and G would really want there, they knew would go and they are. Others, while we were more than welcome, I'm not sure our absence will be missed. It's slightly complicated but I feel very left out sometimes even though I have the same 'relationship' as others who don't get left out. Sorry it sounds vague and waffly.

Of course I wouldn't voice this to the B or G, I will wish them well, buy a nice present and go to the event here, they are having something here but it doesn't feel the same as seeing them get married. But maybe that's silly really?

[fudgesmummy]

Oh yes she knows. headofthehive55. She asked her dad if he was ok with it but didn't say anything at all to me. I found out when I walked in on her talking to the travel agent on the phone. We have never been close but I never thought she would do this. A couple of her friends went with her to choose the dress and as I said my in laws are paying for the party (only 26 people) so they are organising it with them. They don't need or want my input. She would never go shopping with me and we don't have days out together.
Our ds got married last July. Massive church wedding, 130 guests. I wasn't asked or allowed to have any input into that either. Ds is far closer to his mil than he is to me.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Set the precedent OP and decline on cost grounds. I think you will be surprised as to how many of your nearest and dearest will balk at the cost when they tot it all up.

[WonderingAspie]

They won't tread, it will be seen as a great excuse for a huge piss up (they are big drinkers) and I'm pretty sure they've already booked it. When you don't have dependants and have enough disposable income, I guess it's not so much of a big deal and when the bride gave years notice to save up for it!

[Shakirasma]

YANBU OP.

A situation I currently know of demonstrates just how selfish some people can be by getting married abroad.

Elderly couple in early 80's are doting grandparents to a DGS and a DGD, the product of their youngest DS, eldest has never married or had kids. They have been heavily involved with the raising of their 2 grandchildren in both care and financial terms and they both now have successful careers. Obviously both grandparents are very proud.

The grandfather took very ill 3 years ago and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Fortunately through a combination of surgeries and chemo he is still enjoying a reasonable quality of life but obviously he is not a well man and his remaining time is now very, very limited.

They were delighted when their DGD got engaged And grandad in particular was chuffed to bits that he was actually going to be around to see her get married as he thought he wouldn't live to see it. Yet DGD has decided to get married in Italy. So the family and friends are all trekking over there to this wedding whilst the grandparents are left at home. Obviously grandad can't travel there and grandma looks after him.

They love their gdg too much to say anything as they don't want to spoil anything, but I'm so cross with her for putting her desire for the perfect wedding above their feelings.

[MissBattleaxe]

Obviously a couple can have any wedding they want to, but it does immediately put poorer guests at a disadvantage and you shouldn't be excluded because of your finances and I find that sad. I also think it is a bit selfish because it either uses up a family's holiday budget or puts people in a difficult financial position.

The OP is a classic example of someone who would love to go, but can't afford it. I think that's sad.

So yes, the B and G can have any wedding they want, but I feel its unfair on guests. Close family would feel guilted or obliged to try and go. It always gives a two tier thing of the rich friends and family being there and the poor ones being excluded. It's awful. Its also unfair on elderly relatives who would usually love to attend but won't be able to.

I think the exception is when the couple marry abroad alone and have a party everyone can comfortably attend on their return.

YANBU OP.

[TaylorSwiftMakesMyShitItch]

We are getting married abroad. We have invited the people we want there, and would dearly love it if they can all make it, but we totally understand if they can't.

Our wedding day is about us, our parents and our girls. We would love for our friends to be there with us (and so far, two couples and their children are definites), but we won't be offended if people can't (nor would our friends or family be pissy with us for doing what makes us happy on our wedding day - quite the opposite in fact, they think it's wonderful).

[TaylorSwiftMakesMyShitItch]

And for those saying it is selfish - it's our wedding day. So yes, we are doing exactly what we want. I would never judge or criticise somebody for the choices they make for their day.

[pollylovespie]

Fudgesmummy, our children don't owe us weddings. She's doing it the way she wants, and why shouldn't she? It sounds lovely and romantic to me. I'd be disappointed too in your situation but would respect and support my dd's wishes, and certainly wouldn't be trying to make her feel bad.