AIBU to feel sad I won't be going to this wedding?

[WonderingAspie]

A relative is getting married soon, we are invited but it's not in the country we live in and would cost at least 5k to go. We don't have this so are not going, there are no hard feelings at all but it makes me sad I won't be at the wedding. There was original talk of DD being bridesmaid but obviously that can't happen. I also can't go to the hen do, again no hard feelings but every time I see a post on FB about the wedding, or they mention it, it just reminds me again (although i dont show it, this was their choice). I feel guilty for not going although I know I shouldn't. I am very excited and happy for the bride and groom and would have loved to be there. It's also hard when many other family members are going. Part of me thinks the family that is really bothered about (by B and G) can go anyway so it doesn't really matter about the rest but I am fully aware that IABU on that and this is my issue to deal with, not theirs.

[MissBattleaxe]

It's nothing to do with what you wear, it's how you treat guests.

[MaidOfStars]

Hmmm, I married for love and fully expect it to last. But I also had a big day and a floaty dress.

It's not one or the other, even if the prevailing view on MN is that if you wear anything other than tatty jeans, you're heading straight for divorce.

[CombineBananaFister]

I think YANBU to feel sad you can't go especially if you are very close and they would know you wouldn't be able to make it due to finances.

I am all for couples having the wedding they want and some have very good reasons for going abroad but it can send a crap message sometimes. If you decide to do it, you are asking a lot of people to spend a large amount of their household income on you, to prioritizethem over anything they or their own family may need - who can do that easily? and why would you expect them to, it's your wedding you need to suck up the costs. Also, if you know someone will not be able to do it who you are close to, to me its like saying 'yeh, I love you, and I wish you could be there but you're not as important to me as this wedding day I want'. Those that kickoff if people aren't willing to splash out are very unreasonable.

I guess it's a matter of priorities and what is important to you on the day but it is very exclusive.

[MissBattleaxe]

The other thing is, if you offend a load of people by making your wedding an exclusive expensive circus, guests remember for a long time. It just makes sense to consider your guests. I'm not saying a couple shouldn't have the wedding they want, but an uncompromising circus that is expensive for guests is not a win/win for anyone.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Headof, I think relationships were more real then. You married for love and expected it to last.

Now many just want their big day and floaty dress, partners seems almost "disposable" and vows just a formality that has to be done.

[Headofthehive55]

I agree with you all re wedding circus. I often wonder how couples post war managed to get married...and stay married without access to such grand affairs.

There is no need to spend so much either for guests or the couple. I do think it's about keeping up with the joneses.

[Bunbaker]

You are right Autumn. I see very few posts about it being a marriage. It is all about the "dream wedding", which is only one day after all.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Most weddings just seem to be about money, be it the bride (the grooms don't usually care about matching table secs etc) spending on the huge day itself or recouping the costs via some cringeworthy cash request.

Very few seem to be about the vows and the joining of the families sadly.

I'd help my children with uni costs or a house deposit but wouldn't pay for what is essentially a party.

[Bunbaker]

I agree MissBattleaxe. I wonder if there is some element of keeping up with the Jones's.

[MissBattleaxe]

I see your point Dinosaurs. It is true that couples now pay for their own weddings and have more autonomy. However weddings have now become a ridiculous circus of an industry and some, not all but some, couples just get blinded by wedding madness.

[Bunbaker]

You have hit the nail on the head DinosaursRoar. I probably am the same age as your mother's generation, so to me weddings are mainly family affairs, and this includes inviting children, with the bride and groom at the centre of it.

Although I don't have an issue with couples having the wedding they want as long as they don't get pissy with people they have invited declining their invitations on grounds of cost and logistics. They are being self absorbed if they do. If they want to share their joy with as many people as possible they have to make it easy for the guests.

[Headofthehive55]

Still expect to pay for DDs wedding here! Mind you I've told her a budget, she can either spend on a deposit for a house or fancy wedding!

[DinosaursRoar]

Yes, that's the problem, the expectation amongst friends and family that a wedding is a sort of 'community/family event' (not the right words, but you get the gist) where as for the couple, it's an event happening to just them that they have invited people to join.

I suppose when family paid for weddings, then it was more about the family gathering than what the couple wanted (you'll find lots of woman in my mum's generation who say things like "oh, my mum and gran arranged our wedding, I just picked my dress."), but with couples paying for it themselves for the last generation or so, it's moved to being all about the couple and how they would like to spend a huge sum of money (or not, if I was getting married now rather than before DCs, there's no way I'd be able to justify spending the £20k our wedding cost or have anywhere near as many guests).

OP - If you have health issues that means you can't travel, that puts a different slant on this (and perhaps the couple should have factored that into their planning), and must make you feel even more isolated in the family. Will they have a party when they are home?

[Headofthehive55]

fedup I think you have the crux of the problem. I think a dream wedding includes your family, but clearly for some people it doesn't. I'd hope that my family cared enough about me to really want me there, but for some people they don't seem to mind if family attends or not.

But then we are a very close family, some I suppose are not.

[FedUpWithJudgementalPeople]

No I don't think you should put a wedding ahead of household bills if you can't afford it. But I'm just saying that just as you do what is right for your family other people do what is right for them.

However your starting place is that everyone's "dream wedding" is a massive do with all their loved ones there. That's just not the case and people are entitled to choose a different path.

[Headofthehive55]

wondering oh I see.

[WonderingAspie]

headofthehive, one word, childcare .

missbattleaxe I agree with everything you have said. You are better at putting things into words than me.

A poster said something about me putting household repairs or something and choosing not to save (sorry, cannot remember the exact wording), do you really think it is reasonable to not spend any money at all on you or your own family just to spend a couple of years saving to attend a wedding? I love weddings and would always go if we were able, this was not doable for us, no matter how much I want to. If we were more comfortably off, I probably would have done and possibly sucked up a fine from school but I'm not sacrificing all family holidays (and we do go away on the cheap), any decorating or diy in the new house and depleting savings to do it. Plus our financial situation was different when the 'notice to save' was given and we were in a worse position, thankfully in a bit better position now but my income situation is precarious and could change at any time. I have to be aware of this all the time.

To the poster who said could I go, I did consider this but decided against it. I don't want to out myself but my health is not great and I would effectively end up alone for a lot of the time abroad as I wouldn't be able to keep up with the activities and lifestyle they will lead there.

[MissBattleaxe]

DragonMama - it is only pushing the cost on to guests if you make them feel bad about not going

I disagree. People feel obliged to try and find the money either to save face or because family weddings are important to them. I think its really unfair. It introduces a two tier wedding- well off guests can attend, less well off guests cannot.

[MissBattleaxe]

Dragon- I actually think its arrogant to expect people to spend 4k on attending their wedding. Yes, of course you can say no, but it makes some people feel obliged to find the money to avoid hurt feelings or missing out and I think that's an awkward position to put someone in.

Also if your SIL kicks off about you not stumping up 4k then she is taking unreasonable to a whole new level. It's like saying our wedding is so important we expect you to fork out 4k for the privilege of attending. 4k is half the price of our UK wedding. It's a ridiculous amount to expect someone to spend on just attending one.

[DragonMamma]

FedUp & MiddleClass - I'm hoping she won't but from experience both DH and I think she will have a lot to say on the matter. I wish DH would just tell her now so we can deal with the fallout and hopefully be welcome to any party they have back in the UK!

[MiddleClassProblem]

Dragonmamma, it's different if they are going to kick off because you can't go. It that case she should be helping you finance your trip if she cares that much.

[NinjaClaws]

No, you're not BU to feel sad, if that's how you feel.

Personally, I can take or leave weddings and I've happily declined attending a family one in the Spring as its back in the UK so I have the fab excuse of it being too expensive to travel just to attend the wedding.

My poor sister's quite frazzled by the specific requirements from the bride and as its her second wedding, I'm a bit surprised she's so fussy about it all, to be honest.

As long as they have a happy marriage, that's all that matters really.

[Notso]

This happened to us with SILs wedding. It stung a bit to think their dream wedding didn't include us.

[FedUpWithJudgementalPeople]

DragonMama - it is only pushing the cost on to guests if you make them feel bad about not going.

(I'm not married btw so not coming at this from an angle).

[DragonMamma]

We've got the same problem this year, OP.

SIL is getting married abroad and there would have only been 9months notice by the time it happens. It's during term time, too far to go for just the weekend and the venue is expensive.

Purely accommodation and flights will be circa £2.5k for us 4 to attend. I would imagine there would be another £1.5k for spending money, gifts and outfits. So we can't go.

If we had the money, we would be there in a heartbeat but we don't. The problem is that I don't think SIL will understand this so DH hasn't told her yet as she's liable to kick off.

I agree that the cost may be cheaper for the B&G but it is by simply pushing the costs on to the guests.

I have suggested DH go alone but he doesn't want to go to a family wedding, without his own family.