AIBU to feel sad I won't be going to this wedding?

[WonderingAspie]

A relative is getting married soon, we are invited but it's not in the country we live in and would cost at least 5k to go. We don't have this so are not going, there are no hard feelings at all but it makes me sad I won't be at the wedding. There was original talk of DD being bridesmaid but obviously that can't happen. I also can't go to the hen do, again no hard feelings but every time I see a post on FB about the wedding, or they mention it, it just reminds me again (although i dont show it, this was their choice). I feel guilty for not going although I know I shouldn't. I am very excited and happy for the bride and groom and would have loved to be there. It's also hard when many other family members are going. Part of me thinks the family that is really bothered about (by B and G) can go anyway so it doesn't really matter about the rest but I am fully aware that IABU on that and this is my issue to deal with, not theirs.

I'm sad for you too. I think it is sad when people choose to go somewhere that some of their nearest and supposedly dearest can't afford to go too; either it's a deliberate ploy to keep some family away, or it's just thoughtless.

Worse when they give you grief over it - at least you're not copping that - but it's still sad.

"But nobody is forced to go to a wedding abroad??? I don't understand the logic behind saying it's selfish. The only people who think it's selfish are those that can't afford to go"

You are completely failing to see the bigger picture here. The bridezillas who get pissy because their guests can't afford to attend their wedding, or they would rather spend their money on a holiday destination of their choice then that is being selfish. When the close family - parents and siblings, of the bridezilla can't afford to go to the wedding then that is being selfish.

I have read umpteen threads on here from people who have fallen out with friends and family because they couldn't afford to go to a wedding abroad or in an expensive hotel in the middle of nowhere. Both sides need to understand that an invitation is just that and not a summons (I had to trot out this well worn MN expression)

I really can't get my head round why some people care so much about other peoples weddings.

Pippa12 Would you have still got married abroad if a parent/guardian/key person hadn't been able to afford to join you. Would you have said "Tough luck, that's life"?

My MIL was always sad that she didn't get to attend her daughter's wedding (nobody did, it was a secret elopement thing). She didn't mention this to her daughter though. Very sadly, she became gravely ill in the weeks before my marriage to her son and was unable to attend through ill health (she has since died). My SIL has subsequently expressed her own sadness that she did the secret thing, and that it was thoughtless.

I could never have planned to marry without my parents there. It would have broken their hearts, and there is no perfect wedding that could make up for that.

My mum got married twice and both times she did it on the down low as she doesn't like to be the centre of attention and her parents were fine with that as they are the kind to see it more as a formality. I had a big wedding because I wanted everyone I cared about to be there. Still not all could make it which is normal but it's different strokes for different folks. I don't think I could have got married abroad because I wanted my grandparents there but everyone has different relationships with their family and their idea of what marriage means to them. Some people don't want to get married at all. I'm not sure if they get the same things thought about them as those who elope, of sadness and it being selfish etc because those close still don't see a wedding.

I am a great believer in do what is right for you

Gosh, I remember when I got married my parents really putting their foot down and telling me not to have a 1.30pm ceremony but a 3pm one because some people, especially men in the construction industry as we had in the family, work on a saturday morning and you have to give people time to get home get showered and dressed etc. I just wanted my day to be as long as possible. I then had to get a bus for guests to go from church to hotel (which was about 10-15 mins away) and everything was city centre because you couldn't ask people to travel 30-45 mins away. And the final piece, I included reply cards with stamped addressed envelopes for people to reply. All of which was to the cost of my husband and I. It was our day and if we wanted people to share it, we had to bear the cost of that was the logic. One I agree with.
My wedding was wonderful, surrounded by the people I loved and I wouldn't do it any differently now. On honeymoon in the carribean it saddened me to watch the conveyor belt of brides and grooms marrying in the sand. But they were having a ball and that's what matters. Its all up to the individual couple.

To the OP I think you are doing really well, you've indicated you bear the couple no ill will, you aren't angry or ranting, just a bit sad and that's fine. I'm hope your disappointment will ease in time and your relationship with the B&G continues happily in the future. Feel strong knowing you've made the best decision for you and your family.

I agree lazyleo. I couldn't live with myself knowing my wedding was costing people hundreds and hundreds of pounds to attend. It's a big ask.

Unless you have a difficult relationship with your parents or a very specific reason for not wanting them there at your wedding then I can't really imagine why anyone would an their wedding and not want their parents to attend, bride or groom.

"I couldn't live with myself knowing my wedding was costing people hundreds and hundreds of pounds to attend. It's a big ask."

Absolutely this ^^

Was not invited to a couple of family Weddings just have to accept this and move on.

My friend got married in Italy but spent a lot if time finding cheap flights for everyone and made sure the accommodation was not expensive. It cost us 150 per person in flights and 40 per head per night in accommodation so for 3 days was fairly cheap. They paid for all food and alcohol for the whole long weekend too. 100 people came and it was amazing. I think it is pretty silly to do something hardly anyone can afford to be honest.

They are not requiring the poster to go though.
They are doing what they want to do and it's up to her if she can go or not.

They are doing what they want to do and it's up to her if she can go or not

Not really, the OP wants to go, but is unable to because of the cost attached. It's not up to her. If it was up to the Op she would go, but the cost is making her unable to attend. If you don't have loads of dosh, you can't come. It's financial discrimination.

But there's many reasons other than cost why people can't go to weddings, if they have to work, if they have DCs who need to be in school, if they have other commitments on that day etc, most couples check they've planned a wedding that the key people can come to - be it location, cost, date, timing of the day etc. Beyond that, then the next stage down is "nice to have, but not the end of the world if they can't make it" list. (Which is the list that doesnt get invited when a couple does the MN suggested thing of having "a small wedding with just the key people who really matter to you")

Obviously, 'bridzillas' who plan weddings that will have a large % of their guests unable to come then get arsey about them not coming are rather different than someone like the OP's relation who seems to accept that some people won't be able to go, but has made sure the people that they 'need' to be there will be before booking.

If the wedding was here, I would not come under the 'nice to have but not the end of the world' list. In fact it would be shitty of me not to go and would have to be a damn good reason.

I think originally it may have been thought we would be going given we were given a couple of years notice to save for it. To do this would have meant putting our own lives on hold (no holidays, in this country - we haven't holidayed abroad yet, no doing up the house we were in the process of moving into etc etc) for years. I think this was too big an ask so I knew straight away we would have to decline. Thankfully I haven't had grief over it and I won't, but the bride hasn't said much when I did say that I wish I could go but we just can't afford it. Inthink she understands but I also wonder if maybe she is sad about it too. I am wondering if she thinks we should have saved because of the notice that was given.

Wondering, that is absolutely too big an ask, for anyone.

I got married abroad. It wasn't to save money. And it was no more selfish of me to get married abroad than it is of any bride and groom to make decisions about how they want their own wedding to be!

We got married, just the two of us. Family were welcome but we didn't think any would come. We did, however, plan a big church blessing and party within two weeks of getting home. We had 100+ guests at that and it was in essence a wedding day.

However, I had my private, quiet ceremony just the two of us before that. I really didn't want my wedding day to be stood in front of loads of people, forced to be centre of attention. It just isn't me - I don't like all that fuss. But I have a big family and we knew that they'd be lots of people wanting to come. So, a wedding ceremony abroad and the church blessing/party at home was our compromise.

If it was up to the Op she would go, but the cost is making her unable to attend. If you don't have loads of dosh, you can't come. It's financial discrimination.

---

But that applies to lots of Uk weddings too - remote location, expensive hotels, travel (if not within your own locality) costs, etc. Then you have whether you're invited to all of it or part of it, or if children can/can't come...

There are many Uk weddings which still cost the guests several £100s.

No, I'm not buying the thing that attending UK weddings are the same price as a wedding abroad. It's too broad a spectrum. Also weddings abroad require annual leave to be taken in a lot of cases (cue an ex bride saying our overseas wedding was Friday night til Sunday morning etc).

Many of the posters supporting weddings overseas are brides who had one. Many of the posters not supporting them are, or have been, guests. Interesting.

Actually Hulababy, your way of doing it sounds quite fair as the guests got the party and the bride and groom without going to an airport. I think that's fair enough. It's not what I'd do, but a wedding like that is fairer. Nobody attends the actual ceremony so nobody feels left out and everyone gets the wedding reception in the UK.

The worst bit of your story for me, OP, is that you said you'd asked about any of the free places on this trip being available for your daughter and got laughed at. They can choose to say no, but to laugh at such a request is really unkind

I'm in the 'selfish to go abroad and force people either to pay big bucks or not go' camp. Particularly where it means parents can't attend.

MissBattleaxe - I got married in the UK, (close to DH's family and where we were living at the time) and have been a guest at several overseas wedding, I still don't think it's a problem as long as you're fine with people not going! We've accepted some, declined others.

There are reasons you can't go to weddings other than costs. eg. a term time, week day wedding when you have DCs, however affordable isn't an option - there's a broad spectrum between the ease and the difficulty of guests attending of different wedding types - most couples will plan their wedding around what they can expect of their guests and who they need to be there for them to be happy.

I have never heard of any wedding with 100% acceptance of invites, no matter how well thought out. Some of those won't mind they can't go, others will be very sad about it.

I had 100% attendance dinosaur and yet more came to the church only.

What I don't understand about overseas weddings is why on earth do you want to share what is your honeymoon with others?

I have been to sweeting in the UK that cost me £200 more than a wedding in Spain. DH was an usher so we had to stay in this expensive hotel with the groom the night before and off the wedding. It was also a shit hotel with appalling service (like faulty towers!) which made it even more annoying!

I think of you get married abroad you make sure the people you really desperately want to be there are there. You must have some expectation of each person has to spend over a grand just to be there that not many people can come. And some people just want to get married the two of them, nothing wrong with that either.