Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
HormonalHeap · 15/01/2016 17:51

Dunkin- my brother's best friend is like this. Went to America, made millions, girls come and go, get younger by the year. Terrified of losing his money to one of them and, having seen a few of them, I'd say he's fears are not unfounded. He's now in mid 40's, a single millionaire. I think he has to be more wary than most and chose more carefully, but it's a shame that it's stopped him having a family.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/01/2016 17:51

I go doughy eyed. I have a long term thing for the Pillsbury Doughboy and all his doughy goodies.

Original poster
Dunkin · 15/01/2016 17:56

I had dough on my mind, hence doughy. Long thought trail to make anyone get it.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 15/01/2016 18:02

You don't know where the issues come from but the women in his life (mother and sisters) seem to be overbearing and controlling.

Grapejuicerocks · 15/01/2016 18:03
Grin
cleaty · 15/01/2016 18:04

Women get less than 50% access when the fathers have been the main carer. I know a case where this has happened. But it is rare for fathers to do anywhere near 50% care. Judges look at what is best for the children. It is not about the parents.

WildeWoman · 15/01/2016 18:16

Y. M. Nav krollollm. nmmMzaps,I
Sd.

Clever clever baby. The wisest words I've seen on mumsnet in months. Grin

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 15/01/2016 18:56

It sounds like he wants a child so why not this way? He is sound financially so can provide.

It's true in a split he can hope for 50/50 but few men do.

It's not as simple as saying they left the care to a women, lots give up work or cut their hours without agreement from their partners. Or claim its not worth the childcare costs to return. If the man does the same then there's no money for food etc.

Then there's petty arguments, prohibiting holidays, trying to erase them when a new partner comes on the scene etc.

Some couples co parent wonderfully after a split but it's rare. Men usually get the raw deal.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 15/01/2016 18:57

The first thing I thought was "gay" too and unable to come out because of the bizarre misogynistic environment that seems to be prevent in the city. Could be well wrong but it was my very first thought.

BlueJug · 15/01/2016 19:22

Woman has baby with sperm donor - support on here for her right to be a mother.
Man chooses to have baby via surrogate - he must be gay, misogynistic or evil.

Woman complains about "toxic" or "abusive" ex and she is encouraged to cut or limit contact as far as she can. "You/your DC don't need HIM in your life"

We see it all the time.

He is rich, he is 32, he wants a child, he would be a good dad. If he does have a child via surrogate he will be a single father. Why judge him to be any worse than a single mother?

He is absolutely right that more and more often women will LTB as soon as they feel the relationship is not working out, (rightly or wrongly - it is not important here and it is a free choice. It is the numbers that matter in his decision). It happens in what percentage of cases? 20%? 30%?. He is a trader. He predicts risks and juggles numbers.

In today's world it actually makes good sense for him and the child.

YesIcan · 15/01/2016 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dejarderoncar · 15/01/2016 19:46

Many times in the Relationship threads women say they want to leave their often violently abusive marriages, but hold back because they cannot bear to loose living full time with their children. Why should not a father feel any different? (although yes, I know many don't seem to care)

roundaboutthetown · 15/01/2016 20:27

? A woman would not get any support from me on here if she wanted to be a single mother through a sperm donor, particularly if her reasoning was that men are unfaithful bastards who ruin your career/steal all your money.

BlueJug · 15/01/2016 20:29

Just come from thread in which OP asks if she is BU give up work and try for a baby alone - no DP. Many pps support her, many are concerned about how she would support the child but no-one suggests she might be gay and none accuse her of cruelty or man-hating or being incapable of committing or of being unable to do proper relationships.

Interesting

roundaboutthetown · 15/01/2016 20:37

I'll bet not everyone supports her!!!

roundaboutthetown · 15/01/2016 20:40

Still, at least she wouldn't be risking the male donor's life during the pregnancy.

BlueJug · 15/01/2016 20:42

No you are right, not everyone supports her - and many call her irresponsible especially because of the financial aspects. Many do though - and as I said no-one makes the sort of judgements they are making about this man, (if indeed it isn't a troll thread!)

roundaboutthetown · 15/01/2016 20:46

Has she described having had multiple attractive male partners whom she serially dumped prior to this when they started getting "doughy" eyed at her? That might have provoked an interesting response! Grin

GarlicBake · 15/01/2016 20:47

Woman has baby with sperm donor - support on here for her right to be a mother.

I'm sure everyone would support a man's right to get pregnant using donated sperm and be a mother, Blue.

This being literally impossible, your comment is specious. You're comparing apples with bananas.

Finallyonboard · 15/01/2016 20:55

Is he gay? He might be bringing friends homemand asking them to pretend to be his gf?

cleaty · 15/01/2016 21:09

Bluejug - She does not say that she is doing it alone because she thinks all men will rip her off. That is the situation in this OP. You are not comparing like with like.

If this an wanted to adopt or foster in this country, I would say fine. He would be screened to see if he was suitable, and if he passed that, fair enough.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 15/01/2016 21:18

OP - please, please let us know how dinner goes, but only if you discuss the issue that we've been debating of course.

BlueJug · 15/01/2016 21:21

She does not say why she is doing it. Assume she has rejected partners for whatever reason.

OK her right to be a parent using a man to supply what she needs to make a baby -ie half the dna. (Man paid for sperm?)

His right to be a parent using someone else to supply what he needs - ie half the dna plus woman's body. (Woman is paid for this?)

A woman has the right to use her body how she wants - and if she chooses to earn money from her body - her choice.

I think that the view that women have primary rights over kids and men are lesser parents is damaging. Ideally I would like it to be that all children have two equal parents and are loved and brought up by both.

BlueJug · 15/01/2016 21:23

And no-one suggested the woman should foster and be screened instead of conceiving via IVF, (or at least they hadn't when I was last on that thread).

roundaboutthetown · 15/01/2016 21:25

What idea that women have primary rights over kids? Primary carers spend more time with the kids. The law does not care whether the primary carer is a man or a woman.