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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/01/2016 14:18

Gay men who wish to become parents use surrogates. So they are all wrong, too?

knobblyknee · 15/01/2016 14:19

Thank God for feminists like him. What would we do without them, thats what I say.

LovelyFriend · 15/01/2016 14:21

Gay men who wish to become parents use surrogates. So they are all wrong, too?
IME I think it is highly questionable if they are using commercial surrogates - so yes. Gay men are a big factor behind the growth in commercial surrogacy using mothers from poorer economies.

roundaboutthetown · 15/01/2016 14:23

I do not think it is normal to want to become a single parent because you think the world wants to steal your little pile of cash.

LovelyFriend · 15/01/2016 14:23

surrogacy has become a massive business.
Business!!

expatinscotland · 15/01/2016 14:24

But he's not going to a poorer economy.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 15/01/2016 14:30

FWIW - I'm guessing OP is female as she refers to "other sisters" and the Dad being recruited for the Man to Man chat. Not that the OP's gender should make the slightest difference. Wow! What's the gender opposite term for misogyny because it's rampant here.

LovelyFriend · 15/01/2016 14:31

the chances are a commercial surrogate sourced in USA will be poor, if not from a developing country. They won't be doing it for love.

In general there is a big demand from westerners hiring surrogates from developing nations.

MelindaMay · 15/01/2016 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 15/01/2016 14:35

I can only speak for myself Float but I would be equally dubious about a woman doing the same thing if the reasons for doing it where the same as the op's brother.

firesidechat · 15/01/2016 14:36

were not where.

MultishirkingAgain · 15/01/2016 14:37

As others have said, if this were your sister I'm sure you'd be singing a very different tune. Some people don't want a partner. Nothing wrong with that. Some people want to be single parents. Nothing wrong with that either.

However, him risking the long-term health and even life of a woman who is a complete stranger to him just so he can become a father is a deeply unpleasant prospect. He will basically be paying a woman to be an incubator for him - an entirely shitty thing to do. Has he considered adoption? And perhaps of a dog, rather than a child?

This post has encapsulated it for me. There's a difference between a woman deciding to have a child as a single parent (via sperm donation) and a man buying/renting a woman's womb for his own purposes.

And his deep belief that women are untrustworthy sounds quite the reverse of being a feminist to me men can't be feminists anyway He is not good parent material.

knobblyknee · 15/01/2016 14:38

"I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!"
Well done!
"He has no problems attracting good qualify women" sic
"He's a self declared feminist."
"He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him" this bit is particularly genius IMO.

firesidechat · 15/01/2016 14:40

I feel quite bristly about "your little online community".

I suspect that was the whole point though.

MultishirkingAgain · 15/01/2016 14:41

If your brother has seen lots of his male friends and colleagues have relationships/marriages that have fallen apart, and who have ended up as 'weekend dads', Dunkin, then I can understand why he has developed such a cynical attitude about love, marriage and parenthood. What we see most of, around us, does influence our views and opinions

Thing is, he probably hasn't thought through why his colleagues end up divorced. As BarbarianMum says:

To be successful in the city it is typical to prioritise career over caring for ones children oneself. Men often tend to do this through marriage, and rich men in particular often have wives who stay at home or work part time and run the family end of things. If these relationships break down, then of course the main carer (wife) gets custody of the children and is entitled to a share of the assets and financial support, in recognition of their contribution to the man's career (bringing up his childrenand all)

I doubt his colleagues have told him all this.

Leelu6 · 15/01/2016 14:44

I thought OP meant 'doughy-eyed' in the sense, that the women are gold diggers i.e. he has lots of dough.

Also, I don't think looking for someone who is your equal in career and education is uncommon or just for snobs. I think a lot of people do it, consciously or unconsciously. 'Tis the way of the world.

whois · 15/01/2016 14:45

I do not think it is normal to want to become a single parent because you think the world wants to steal your little pile of cash.

Agreed. Slightly unhealthy view that all women are out to get him.

whois · 15/01/2016 14:46

I thought OP meant 'doughy-eyed' in the sense, that the women are gold diggers i.e. he has lots of dough.

I thought OP meant doe0eyesd as in "Doe-eyed is defined as someone who has an innocent, wide-eyed look. A naive girl with big eyes who looks at you for answers is an example of someone who is doe-eyed."

Like someone who is all like 'love you vuv you besest man - want to b with you 4eva'

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2016 14:49

Also, I don't think looking for someone who is your equal in career and education is uncommon or just for snobs. I think a lot of people do it, consciously or unconsciously. 'Tis the way of the world.

To some extent I agree in that many people naturally gravitate to partners with similar levels of intellect as themselves, but implying people who don't meet your dating criteria are "poor quality women" is not at all nice.

FatimaLovesBread · 15/01/2016 14:53

Is your brother Cristiano Ronaldo?

wannaBe · 15/01/2016 14:54

My guess is that he's a celebrity who wants a baby to add to his nice guy image. All the colleagues who have been shafted are also celebs who have had to pay out large amounts of their fortunes when their five minute marriages end. Or perhaps he's a footballer. Hmm.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 15/01/2016 14:54

In some respects I agree with you fideline in that a surrogacy arrangement is something that needs to be thought through very carefully. But, I don't actually think the reasons he's given (as interpreted by OP) are necessarily wrong.

I'm more shocked at the gender-bias against men in this situation and the assumptions that he must be gay. Also those comments equating his occupation as being relevant, not only are many City Traders good Fathers, how do the female Traders fit into this bias. Should they not be Mothers? Would a female trader's decision for opting for sperm donation be treated with the same derision?

fidel1ne · 15/01/2016 14:55

Also, I don't think looking for someone who is your equal in career and education is uncommon or just for snobs. I think a lot of people do it, consciously or unconsciously. 'Tis the way of the world.

True. It was the phrase 'good quality women' and then the explanation of how only educated women make good mothers that was a bit much.

TheCraicDealer · 15/01/2016 14:56

I'd put money on him being gay. What man (generalising madly here) is that broody at 32 they're prepared to go through the drama of getting a surrogate and being a single male parent when there is still a chance they could have a family though "normal" means? No, he knows there's no way he could have a child (even by the means of a friendly arrangement with a female friend or whatever), there's no "hope" that he might meet the right woman or even just someone bearable to impregnate within the next ten, fifteen, twenty years. His choice of cover story also dissuades you from holding out for the right girl for him or, even worse, introducing him to suitable females. He's gay mate.

LovelyFriend · 15/01/2016 14:56

He's probably thinking the housekeeper is taking the piss, lolling around in his mansion all day, juicing all his fruit and just polishing shiny stuff. So he'll get a baby and get his moneys worth - that will learn her/him.

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