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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 15/01/2016 13:22

Thank you Palmer

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/01/2016 13:24

Well she might not have to purchase another human to use as an egg donor and human incubator for a start

well yes you raise a fair point there!

JonSnowKnowsNowt · 15/01/2016 13:25

SDT - yes!!! I think you're right! Love it :)

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 15/01/2016 13:25

Oh, FFS, wind your neck in, expat. I did not remotely say that everyone who can't have kids should adopt or get a dog - just the OP's brother. There is a big difference between donating eggs or asking family/friends to act as a surrogate (I myself have volunteered to surrogate for a friend) because of health and infertility issues, and someone like the OP's brother who simply wants to pay a stranger for the rent of her womb (even though it might kill or disable her). It sounds like he's just bored now he's retired. Which is why I think he should probably get a dog first and see how that fits in with his city lifestyle. Although that would probably be unfair on the dog.

LovelyFriend · 15/01/2016 13:29

Or to pay a surrogate mother who might otherwise be unable to feed herself and her existing children, thus gaining the child you want, giving that child a positive life and helping the surrogate and her family to improve their situation?
How would it improve the surrogate and her families situation of the surrogate was injured, or disabled or even died due to her surrogate PG?

cleaty · 15/01/2016 13:29

There are a small number of mainly Christian women who do this as a gift. But generally surrogacy for altruistic reasons is done by women, for people they know and love. Read about the omen in countries like India who are locked in dorms, to produce babies for rich foreigners. Interviews with these women show they do it to feed their existing children. It is preying on very poor women.

Backingvocals · 15/01/2016 13:33

I am single and have two children by a donor so I'm very accepting of the idea that a lone parent can be a good parent Grin

It's harder for men as the surrogate route is potentially more exploitative than the sperm donor route. Not necessarily exploitative but certainly has the potential to be.

I love the independence of my life - of course I looked for a partner but couldn't find one. If I found one now I don't think I could cope as I like being master (mistress!) of my own life and destiny. I'm certainly a good enough parent to my children even if it's not ideal.

Was I too independent in the first place and was that the reason I didn't find anyone? Maybe. So perhaps that is where your brother is, in which case I think he's making a fair point. He's used to being in control of his own life and not having to share control. Yes children change everything but I am still independent and self-reliant and I like that.

The only thing that gives me pause in your OP is the trust thing. I work in the city and there are lots of frankly stupid men scaring each other shitless with tales of these terrifyingly empowered women who will bleed them dry. It's really quite pathetic. These are men who happily worked all the hours, promoted their own careers above the drudgery of housework and childcare, relied on a wife at home to do all that boring stuff, and then get outraged when she says she's had enough and wants recompense for her foregone career. Here's what they could do - find a woman who earns more than them, volunteer to stay at home as the househusband....But their massive egos will not permit that.

I bet the women he was bringing home were not high earners like he is. I bet they were economically inferior. He could go out and meet a high achieving, high earning woman who doesn't want him for his money but that doesn't fit the model.

lostinmiddlemarch · 15/01/2016 13:34

he sounds so selfish and paranoid. For the sake of women everywhere, don't try to dissuade him from his scheme. If he has no desire to give his love to a woman, it is far better than he doesn't exploit one for her womb.

AyeAmarok · 15/01/2016 13:36

I think doughy-eyed is a confused mash up of dewy-eyed and doe-eyed.

Grin
lostinmiddlemarch · 15/01/2016 13:36

I say this with a baby in my arms who was born via surrogate. It's not such a big deal, really (though obviously a huge deal in terms of the kindness of the surrogate). But carrying a child when you've had a few healthy pregnancies, going into it knowing exactly what the risks are, having all expenses connected to pregnancy and making your life easier completely covered, and the fulfilment of a lifetime's ambition on both sides - it can be great.

lostinmiddlemarch · 15/01/2016 13:38

There are a small number of mainly Christian women who do this as a gift.

If you're referring to the UK, that's bollocks.

lostinmiddlemarch · 15/01/2016 13:40

Surrogacy in the UK (i.e., altruistic surrogacy since it's the only kind that's legal) is growing quickly.

Iggi999 · 15/01/2016 13:43

He is single with a live-in housekeeper? What sex is the housekeeper?
Your OP does scream gay man, the presence of girlfriends doesn't change that.
He is still quite young, may just not have met the right person yet.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/01/2016 13:49

I would love to know the women's side of the story, rather than get from the men who were 'shafted'!

Did you not point out to him that if his friend was only seeing his daughter EOW he could have gone to court for 50/50 access? Or was this not an option, as clearly one can't work in finance and have sole responsibility for half the time?

This all seems weird. If it wasn't for the qualification of why he's going for surrogacy, I would say crack on. But his reasons seem....odd, to say the least.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 15/01/2016 13:54

YABU. I don't think your brother is a woman-hater or has 'issues' at all and I think it's quite shocking that so many MNers are suspecting him to be gay because of his independence and lifestyle choices.

He hasn't found the right partner yet, his body-clock is ticking, he wants children, is financially stable, has considered how he will continue a work/family-life balance and is obviously good with children being the favourite uncle.

I can't see what the problem is and if it was a woman in the same position I'm sure many MNers would be more supportive of the idea.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 15/01/2016 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

antimatter · 15/01/2016 14:01

Drip-feeding and story build up like in a good chick-lit novel!

Awaiting second chapter!

firesidechat · 15/01/2016 14:02

Having children is the least independent thing you can do or at least it is if you do it right.

firesidechat · 15/01/2016 14:04

Is the op male or female? He/she called us ladies.

knobblyknee · 15/01/2016 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ExConstance · 15/01/2016 14:05

OP, you mentioned he was a "trader" so presumably high income. I wondered if any of his colleagues had bad matrimonial experiences. I know someone recently retired from a job with high pay and status, he goes on quite a lot about how some of his friends have had to pay out substantial settlements in divorce cases after short marriages and says he would not marry again to protect himself if his wife were to die/divorce him. that is a bit odd as his wife is a bit younger than him, very fit and they seem to be happy. I think if people rely on colleagues for useful information at work maybe they take a bit too much notice of what they say in other areas?

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2016 14:06

I think a huge part of this is the career he's in.

I'm going to generalise hugely here. Traders are notoriously ambitious, self-serving, selfish, ruthless etc, etc. Self-effacing traders don't get very far.

Not often good 'partner' material. He's seen this around him at work and they're not always good 'family' role models. If they're successful they can pretty much buy whatever they want and need.

He wants a family. Solution = buy one.

I doubt you'll talk him out of it unless he wants to explore his thought processes with a counsellor.

firesidechat · 15/01/2016 14:07

Shush knobbly. You'll get into trouble. Smile

maybebabybee · 15/01/2016 14:09

He said he would get a live in nanny. He already has a live in housekeeper.

Oh he does, does he!

fidel1ne · 15/01/2016 14:14

The last instalment explanation will be that the housekeeper is a male Mrs Danvers type who is killing the girlfriends.