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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dh to mind the baby while I make a bottle during the night?!?!

253 replies

Fuzzyduck21 · 15/01/2016 01:51

Ds is 4 months and wakes crying twice a night for a bottle. He's in a cot next to us. Whole bottle making process takes up to 5 mins if I also wee. Aibu to ask dh to try and comfort him while I make the bottle?! He seems to think so as he gets up for work at 5am. I've just taken ds downstairs to lie under a play gym while I make the bottle as dh has been making such a fuss recently but ds gets very upset and I thought it's kinder to ds to at least try and be comforted... Wonder whether your dh does the same?!

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 16/01/2016 08:12

When my two needed night feeds I wouldn't have ever asked my DH to help with night feeds. I was a SAHM and he had full time work. Would have been totally unfair on him.

JemimaHighway · 16/01/2016 08:28

Today 07:59 Soooosie

So during the day when baby naps, you can nap

^^ total rubbish. I hardly knew any mums who could actually nap like this

Just because you didn't know any Mums, doesn't make it rubbish. I managed, and so did my many friends. Much harder, once you've got a second child, but with the first, if you're that tired, then you'll sleep.

It's ridiculous expecting two adults up in the night for one baby.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:29

waitrose but what if you were on your knees with tiredness? Surely your DH is a kind man (hence why you married him) wouldn't he want to step up even just for a couple of weeks to help you out?

JemimaHighway · 16/01/2016 08:30

Today 08:12 WaitrosePigeon When my two needed night feeds I wouldn't have ever asked my DH to help with night feeds. I was a SAHM and he had full time work. Would have been totally unfair on him.

Totalit agree. That's why you're given mat leave.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:32

Jemima same question to you. If you were on your knees with tiredness wouldn't your DH wanted to have helped even if just for a few weeks?
Even my dick of a stbxh recognised when I needed a hand.

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 08:34

Two adults can share the nightly load. As I've already said he could do one sooth/feed, she'd could do two feeds/sooths. I'm
Sure he can cope with one wake per night!

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 08:39

It's desperately hard if you've a high needs baby and little sleep and are teetering into PND. Office work can be ordered, manageable and with structured breaks. Obviously if he's a brain surgeon or a long distance lorry driver, things will be high pressure and sleep will be more essential.

WaitrosePigeon · 16/01/2016 08:46

Baressentials

Oh I was at one point. My daughter woke up every 2hrs for the first 8 weeks. My knees would be buckling in the morning whilst trying to get everyone out of the door.

If I asked him to help he would have done of course, however I would never have asked. He had work and I didn't. I just didn't think it would have been fair.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 09:00

waitrose that sounds tough Flowers
I just can't imagine a scenario where one parent doesn't help out if the other one is struggling. My stbxh helped when the sleep deprivation got too much (I didn't like to ask because I knew he needed more sleep than me) but I also stepped up when his work went through a stressful time and made sure he had space and time to himself. Give and take surely?

WaitrosePigeon · 16/01/2016 09:31

I agree with you Bare, I do. Maybe part of me thought it was my job and would have felt guilty in a way if I had asked. It's hard because in a way what would be the point in us both being tired but as I had nothing 'to do' I couldn't really justify it.

Sorry not really woken up yet properly!

WaitrosePigeon · 16/01/2016 09:32

But in this situation asking when you're at your wits end and nobody helping is totally unreasonable, but I can see his side of it.

Don't think some men have an idea really!

Feeches · 16/01/2016 10:20

Again.

Not all babies can sleep easily during the day. Mines will only sleep if in the car or on a walk. Both activities strangely enough involve me being awake.

I agree that if have only one baby to look after, then night time feeds when partner is working should be undertaken by the SAHP. But what if you have older kids to look after? School runs which involve driving? Are pp seriously suggesting this isn't work and sleep deprivation is not as important? And I say this as someone with a psychologically demanding job.

Each to their own but expecting other mothers to subscribe to your 1950s ideals is ridiculous frankly.

MissBattleaxe · 16/01/2016 10:24

My baby slept erratically day and night for a long time, but it still made sense for just me to be up. DH had a long drive and a long day at work. At one point DS awake every 1.5 hours throughout the night for BFing. There's just no point having two zombies for parents when you can just have one.

Karanka · 16/01/2016 10:32

DW and I shared the night feeds as much as possible when DCs were babies - I'm not a great sleeper anyway so figured if I was awake anyway I may as well be up. I do, though, work FT with a long commute, so some mornings I found myself having what a friend referred to as 'long blinks' on the drive to work - not very advisable!!

WaitrosePigeon · 16/01/2016 10:35

Feeches, you're not talking to me, are you? Sorry if I've got it wrong!

TheFear · 16/01/2016 10:44

I used to pre make bottles for 24 hours and store in the fridge. I'd take one to bed with me for the night feed, by the time the child woke the bottle would be room temp. Shake, feed. Dine. Don't understand why anyone would make a rod for their own back by making up bottles in the middle of the night. Hmm

Feeches · 16/01/2016 10:45

That's what worries me Karanka. My DH has always been a worse sleeper than me but it concerns me when he's been up a lot with our baby but driving to work the next morning. At least I generally don't need to drive anywhere but if I had school age kids as well and I had to take them to school or nursery then it's a different matter.

I work in the emergency services and I've seen plenty of RTC where tiredness has been a factor. More so than drink driving in fact. But many have no choice.

I'm still a bit Shock that there are some parents who don't see looking after children as work.

gamerchick · 16/01/2016 10:47

Would it not be worth to teach baby to take a bottle at room temp and use those ready mixed cartons at night? You just need a clean bottle then.

*i didn't bottle feed so don't know much about it.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/01/2016 10:53

8 years ago but I didn't go downstairs. Had a timer tipee bottle warmer in bedroom. I think I had bottles in cool bag but not 100%. I also used those individual cartons.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 11:00

I agree if budget allows it then really do consider the individual cartons. DS3 got used to room temperature milk. He had to. I am a single mum to 4dc (dc1 and dc4 I was single from the get go) I had to do what I could to make life easier. Yes I have to cope on my own. but when I was in my marriage my stbxh although a twat in many ways still got it that some weeks he had to step up more than others.
My youngest is now 18months and has decided that 4am is a perfect wake up time. I have to soldier on. My other dc need getting to school and clubs, need help with their homework, gcses. If there was another adult in the house? #Damn fucking right I would be asking them to take the strain for a few weeks whilst I caught up on sleep and then I would do the same in return.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 11:03

16 years ago, when ds1 was a tiny baby, I made bottles up for the next 24hours and stuck them in the fridge. Next 2 dc were bf extensively. By the time ds3 was born 18months ago all the bloody guidelines had changed again and bottles now apparently have to be made up for each individual feed. Hence why I switched to cartons at night. My mental health and well being needed it.

Philoslothy · 16/01/2016 11:08

I'm still a bit shock that there are some parents who don't see looking after children as work

I guess it depends on the parent, the child and their past working experience. I was on maternity leave but in reality probably won't go back to work - I do see it as a bit of a holiday but recognise that I am lucky to have easy children and quite a laid back attitude.

For that reason I would not ask for help at night but if I was struggling my husband would help.

bakingaddict · 16/01/2016 11:08

When I was on maternity leave with DS he'd wake every 1.5 - 2hrs so sometimes I used to sleep straight through his numerous wake-ups. I'd say to DH that DS had been good only waking 3 times through the night to which DH would laugh that he'd feed him a couple of times too. He was holding down a full-time job as well as doing his degree 3 nights a week at uni and fitting in coursework and studying. He never took the view that as I was on ML it should all fall to me because as a considerate husband he saw that constant broken sleep in those early days can leave you feeling like a shell of yourself. Napping in the day-time is never the same as getting at least 5 hours continuous sleep

If DH had just left me to get on with all the night-feeds regardless because I was on ML then I would have re-assessed our marriage

Feeches · 16/01/2016 11:12

It wasn't aimed exclusively at you Pigeon but to all the posters who seem to be of the opinion that looking after children doesn't count as 'work'. It's bloody hard looking after kids. Benefits aside, you might not be bringing in money as a SAHP but you're still undertaking a massively significant role in any family. If it wasn't then professional childcare would be a lot cheaper.

All parents need to do what works for them but I just get irritated when the frazzled SAHP, usually the mother, is expected to just always get on with it when in reality it's often not that simple.

I appreciate that the OP sounds like she has just the baby but still hard work.

miserablesod · 16/01/2016 11:14

I work full time, start my day at 4am and STILL get up to feed my 3 month old once or twice a night! Dp can't hear her apparently.

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