To quit my job and try for a baby

[otterlylovely]

Insane, or perfectly logical?

If you knew you wanted a baby and then your situation at work became untenable - what would you do?

OP, you just expressed exactly how I feel, but i'm not articulate enough to put into words. I hope we both get the chance to experience motherhood-however we go about it.

Well, yes.

Otherwise, we might have men thinking that women can actually cope without them, and obviously, that isn't something we would want now, is it?

I did it.

Everything everyone is telling you not to.

I volunteered for redundancy, had IVF as a single woman, it failed, found anther job took 3 years to adopt went back to work part-time, gave up work when I became ill and DS needed me more, went back to work blah blah blah.

Luckily I didn't know about MN so no-one tried to talk me out of it! My mum and sister were all in favour.

It's tough as shit at times. But it's no tougher than for any other single parent. Bieng hard up is no fun but as you've paid your mortgage off that will make things easier.

I don't think in your late 30's peoples opinions will matter, you will go ahead if you want to and you will have to plan it so you won't be bumbling in blind like so many people do.

I do second the opinion that as you've had a bog shock give yourself a certain amount of time to think things through first.

When I broke up with my ex I gave myself a year to decide and plan properly - in the end it only took me 6 months and I was ready.

Best thing I ever did - even with all the challenges (and at the moment they are legion) I would give up an arm before I would give up on the time I've had with DS so far.

if only you had posted what you did at 22:07 as your opening post!

I feel that you should definitely TTC, you sound like you are definitely stable enough and have a lot of love to give a child.

I hope it happens for you

Good luck

Someone said up thread they couldn't think of anything worse than telling a child they literally have no father - thats a plonkerish comment as you don;t tell children that because it isn't true and if you can;t imagine anything worse than that you really have lived a sheltered life (I haven;t read original comment)

Every child has a mother and a father at least one biological each (until we start cloning) and maybe others too. Some children don't grow up with their biological parents or even know who they are, that's what you explain.

A bog shock (though I know it was a typo!) is about right!

My job really IS down the toilet.

Seriously, it isn't; I am not generally prone to panic or knee jerk reactions but I did succumb to a bit of anxiety and worry yesterday.

Thank you, Bed, very kind of you!

If it's down the toilet then wave it goodbye sadly. ONce you're through the shock you will realise that you're in a better position than many would be with an alternative way to earn a living and a house thats paid for.

Otterly, I think you expressed your desire for motherhood beautifully and I hope your dreams come true. If you do really decide to go ahead with your plan, please come back and let us know how you get on!

(I wrote earlier encouraging you and I'm even more convinced now that you would make a lovely Mum.)

Ah, OP, have a baby, it sounds like the right choice for you. I have a friend who did it on her own, child now two, everything going great.nthey are v happy. I'm sure it has been tough at times, but then so is doing it in a couple.

We had our babies at similar times and discussed that in some ways it can be easier - you get to do it exactly how you want, no negotiating with someone else who is also adjusting to parenting and wants to make different choices. DH and I had plenty of conflict st times which I could have done without.

If I was in your position (late thirties, single, wanting a baby) I would have dithered and worried. But knowing wha go know now (DD 2.5) I would definitely do it on my own. In fact if anything happened to DH I'd have another on my own. I'm a great mum. I was born to do it. Yes it was tough, and yes I love my DH and I've needed his support and I'm happy we're doing it together. But I KNOW now I could do it on my own. I'd still be a great mum. I dont think it would particularly be easier, or harder, just different.

Screw the judgers. MN can be judgy about some weird things. If you know you long to be a parent, do it while you can. You are right, there are fates far worse than not having a father.

op go for it.

Without a doubt it will be the toughest thing you've ever done...but that applies whether you're single or whether you have the husband and Labrador! Being a parent is bloody tough, but God it's wonderful as well!

I think a lot of the negative comments came from not knowing your situation and misunderstanding work hours/housing situation eye. The fact that you have no mortgage, two properties and a job, even if low paid there are only two of you so I don't think it's the financial dire straights it sounded like in the first place. I have a feeling there are a few cutbacks you can make in your own life to afford things if things get tight. Some things like work clothes and dry cleaning of you were corporate in other job, have eliminated them selves already.

Go for it. Anyone judging you for opting to go into it because you are single or using a sperm donor are being extremely narrow minded. Some kids have two abusive parents so why would one loving one be worse? It's a bit like when people object to gay couples having children. One day you will know how to explain it to your DC. Mostly with the explain action of how much you wanted them and how much they have made your life special.

I would try to go ft with other job first but these fertility things take a little while to get the ball rolling anyway. Even if it's little mat leave they pay it can help. You'll be entitled to child benefit too which you should go for. Many people do with much more income than you.

What a lovely update to read OP, and I wish you all the best

Jeez people have been harsh here OP.
So what if you don't want to give full details of your work situation, that's entirely your perogative!

I'd say go for it, sounds like you've been planning the fertility treatment for years, and so what if single parents not by choice would rather be in a couple. I'd say go for it whilst you have the savings in the bank to do so.
Also going abroad for IVF is a great idea, cheaper and anonymous donor laws.

There is never a "right" time to have kiddos, you sound fairly financially secure owning your house.

Good luck to you and hope you are pregnant this year.

There's nothing rude about my earlier post. It's clear from things the OP has said that she isn't planning IVF through a licensed clinic. I have to say OP that you come across as quite self absorbed and thinking that having a child is going to make you feel somehow "better". I don't think those are the right reasons for having a child - but that's just my view and I can see not the opinion most other posters have.

In the end it's up to you what you do and taking advice from strangers on the internet on such a life changing issue is probably not the best way to make up your mind; no one here knows your real situation or you. Have you thought about getting some professional counselling to help?

There's nothing rude about my earlier post

But yes - there is, and it's sad that you can't see why. It's the kind of sneer that people who are thinking of using donor sperm get all the time. Along with "but you don't know the father! Your baby could inherit all sorts of issues."

As though clinics don't prepare for or deal with that stuff, or regular relationships don't have the same threat.

you come across as quite self absorbed and thinking that having a child is going to make you feel somehow "better"

That's not what I've read from the op at all! But perhaps I too am selfish, seeing as the reason I want a child is because I want a child. Maybe you could tell us what the Proper Reasons are to become a parent that don't involve implicitly criticising donor sperm and single parenthood?

Meanwhile counselling is always a good idea, but you can't counsel away the all-consuming biological need for a child. As I know all you can do is live through it and hope that maybe next year will be different either way.

And you know what, I'm sorry to sound so grumpy and antagonistic, I honestly don't mean to be rude myself either - I may well be too mixed up in my own feelings to see the situation objectively.

It's clear, is it, Anthony?

Even though I have said 'donor sperm' 'money earmarked for fertility treatment', it's clear I'm not planning IVF through a licensed clinic.

Do direct me to the part where it's not clear I'm using a licensed clinic.

Thanks, Kacey :) (and others.)

Anthony, what I could spend a lifetime trying to get you to understand and never will, is that most people want to become parents. Some don't - but the majority of people will. The objection here is because some people hate women becoming pregnant without a man.

By the way, counselling is mandatory before fertility treatment at U.K. clinics. So yes, I have more than 'thought about it', I've had it.

However, given my job is uncertain and I have been much-blasted for not having thousands in the bank prior to conception, I'm not sure spending £50 at a time because of other people's prejudices is really what's best for me right now.

OMG this is the second mad-sounding donor-sperm recipient in a week.

I started off in support of you otterley but you're starting to sound ranty, spiky and paranoid now.

Am I? That's not the intention.

However, from my point of view, I've been told I'm self absorbed, am not planning to do this through a licensed clinic and need counselling which I think is pretty ranty and spiky given the circumstances!

I started off in support of you otterley but you're starting to sound ranty, spiky and paranoid now.

I agree with this.

Also unless you are the Queen how can a qualification mean you are NEVER out of work. Especially as you were going on that your career was over.

As I have said, I certainly did not intend to sound ranty or spiky. Paranoid, yes, a little bit. There have been some unsupportive comments on this thread and unfortunately when they are aimed at your lifestyle, they are distressing.

I was 'going on that my career was over' because on Thursday I had had a huge shock.

It is now Saturday. Things have developed.

I don't think the details of conception entered into it for many, other than the timing and lack of a second adults back up income.

Details seem to change though when you don't get the answers you want. Previous posts say you have had a few short term jobs and that leaving this one will end your career, your next post then states you are quitting anyway and will survive on a few hours min wage.

It's not about having millions in the bank and the fluffy image that children just need love is fantasy. Children need money for clothes, housing, food, school etc, those raised on low amounts far less well in life hence the huge push from ofsted and pupil premium. They need to witness hard work so that they grow up with a decent work ethic to progress well in adult life. They need stability.

Changing details to suit means your posts have gone from I can't reocver from this career so just have PT min wage job to don't need money as mortgage free and back to I'm heavily qualified and will always have a career. Which is it?

I have sent you a PM.