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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So.. today the school sent my DS on a trip i didn't give permission for him to go on...

258 replies

Skullyton · 14/01/2016 17:02

My friend was picking my 9yo and 6yo up after school today, and when she got there, DS wasn't there, and they told her he had gone on the school trip.

The School trip i never filled the form out for, so hadn't given consent for him to go on.

It was only a trip to the local college for a panto, but DS has ASD and needs full time 1:1, and plays scare him, so he was quite adamant when the forms for it were sent home that he didn't want to go, so i never returned the permission slip.

One of the office staff this morning asked me in passing if he was going, and i said "No, i never filled out the permission slip"

So to say i'm a little annoyed is an understatement. Yes he was safe, he was with his 1:1, but i did not give consent for him to go, he should not have been off the school premises!

I called the school as soon as i knew and left a message, but that was at 4.15, and no-ones called back.

How do i approach this in the morning?

OP posts:
Squashybanana · 14/01/2016 22:04

Questions that is hard to answer because it depends on the individual child. I might suggest

  • noise reducing headphones
  • Sit on the end of an aisle next to TA
  • Enter the theatre once lights are down and it's quiet
  • Agreement with child that they will give it a go for the first 15 mins and then TA will check with them if they are OK, if not they can go to the foyer / coach or wherever
or something like that.

I'd have done the same with Go Ape, TBH, get them to give it a go with a promise they will not be forced and if not, never mind, they did fantastic to try it, and they get to sit and play on their DS or some such and join the others for snacks. Oftentimes the anxiety in ASD kids overwhelms them and they can't 'choose' to go somewhere or do something but if told they will have a try but can then opt out with no repercussions this sometimes works in my experience.

Original poster
Skullyton · 14/01/2016 22:06

DS is quite articulate about expressing his own desire NOT to do something, in fact the issue is quite often making him stop expressing his displeasure at something he doesn't want to do. Grin

I expect, as his TA is lovely and has an awesome bubbly personality and makes him laugh, that she spent some time keeping him upbeat about it.

But i haven't asked DS because i dont want to take his positive away from the fact he did go and he did enjoy it, because despite the whole issue with the school its an awesome and immense step for him as he's refused to do/go anywhere like that for the last 3 years, and i don't want to undermine that by questioning him like he's done something wrong.

I just wish we didnt have this 'but he shouldn't gave gone' shadow over it.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 14/01/2016 22:08

No, I get you. Sometimes you have to just go with whatever has worked, no matter what, and deal with any external repercussions elsewhere.

Original poster
Skullyton · 14/01/2016 22:09

i have not taken anything out of proportion.

I have asked what to do and addressed peoples questions and queries and made a few clarifications.

The school have made a massive cock up.

The fact that DS is ok and it all went well is absolutely irrelevant.

OP posts:
Lauren15 · 14/01/2016 22:11

Op this is obviously a serious fuck up. I would complain in writing and ask what the school will do to make sure it won't happen again. However, I'm curious as to what you thought your ds would be doing when the rest of the class was at the trip? If I had decided not to send my dc on a trip, I would be asking the school what they were planning on doing with him. I used to work as a 1:1 with a year 1 child. It was decided it wasn't safe for him to come on a particular trip and the head asked his mum to keep him at home as he couldn't stay alone all day in the class with me.

shazzarooney99 · 14/01/2016 22:15

Op, it shouldnt have happened, i signed a permission slip for my son not to go to church, last time he went to church he went absolutely mental when he came home, threatened to kill himself and all sorts, so after that i said hes not going again.

Have a word with school, as many others have said it is a safegaurding issue.xxxxxxx

frazzledbutcalm · 14/01/2016 22:15

Read the thread lauren .. you'll find the answers to your question.

Shineyshoes10 · 14/01/2016 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lauren15 · 14/01/2016 22:25

Ah yes. The Op usually discusses alternative arrangements but omitted to this time and also omitted to return the form. While I can't believe how incompetent the school have been, in the Op's place I would have made sure the school were clear on my wishes not just by not returning a form. FWIW at our school we always discuss arrangements for SEN pupils on trips ahead of time and approach their parents, so I am very surprised the school, particularly the 1:1, didn't think about potential problems with the Op's ds at a pantomime and discuss it ahead of time.

Lucy61 · 14/01/2016 22:27

This really shouldn't have happened. I would book an appointment to speak to a senior member of staff about this.

In some schools parents are asked to sign a form when their child is first enrolled to say that they are allowed to be taken out by school in the local area- e.g the park round the corner as a treat or if they are learning about the local area in geography then they can walk around nearby. I can imagine a situation where by they decided that although you 'failed' to return a slip (which you didn't) it's ok to take him anyway as you might have signed that form.

Also, schools need to maintain a certain adult to child ratio on trips. Check that your ds' one to one wasn't counted in this and so there was an incentive in taking him along!

Whatever the reason was, it shouldn't have happened. Take a calm but assertive approach. Good luck.

Lauren15 · 14/01/2016 22:30

Shiney I'm no expert on these matters but I'm guessing it depends on the child's particular special needs. In our case, it was a child with a history of attempting to escape from school and we didn't think we could guarantee his safety on a trip to a museum in a busy city.

Lauren15 · 14/01/2016 22:33

Yes Lucy good thinking. They may have wanted her ds along because they were short of adults and wanted to make use of the 1:1 although of course they shouldn't be counting her in their adult numbers. It's something she should mention when she complains.

Shineyshoes10 · 14/01/2016 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 14/01/2016 22:41

Lauren, you are missing the point.

A school cannot legally ask parents to keep a child at home because the school has decided to make arrangements that the child is not able to join in with! The school should have made provision so that the child could stay safely in school.

Lauren15 · 14/01/2016 22:43

Yes I know what you mean but having the child at school would mean him spending the whole day alone with me as all the infant classes were going. Anyway the parents understood.

Pocketrocket31 · 14/01/2016 22:44

Yanbu. But unfortunately this stuff happens. My sons school took him swimming 15 miles away with out his inhaler Confused I would go and see the head in the morning, express your disgust/disbelief & tell them you will take it further if anything like this happens again. Not much else you can do

WhimsicalWinnifred · 14/01/2016 22:45

Two things shock me on this thread.

The fact a school took a child with autism (without is bad enough, obviously with is much worse) away from school without consent.

Some people saying it's ok as it wasn't malicious and no harm done. Some even going so far as to blame op for not returning the slip! I'm disgusted.

I hope they don't ask for payment tomorrow.

I would calmly ask why they thought it was ok and that obviously I had to report them to ofsted. Bridges burnt or not. They are in the wrong, not you

Original poster
Skullyton · 14/01/2016 22:47

hmm, its eating posts....

i have only ever withdrawn ds from one full day trip, and I was not allowed to keep him home, he had to go in.

the trip was to cadbury world and DS is food restrictive, Chocolate is a massive trigger and he won't look at it, never mind sit near anyone eating it, so that trip was never going to happen!

OP posts:
Original poster
Skullyton · 14/01/2016 22:48

I have never been told i can keep DS at home, he's always been told he has to go in and they will give him some work to do.

I have only ever pulled him from one full day trip and that was to Cadbury world - he is food restrictive and won't even look at a chocolate bar or sit near anyone eating it, so that trip wasn't going to happen.

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 14/01/2016 22:49

Nobody "has to" do anything, they choose to.

Shineyshoes10 · 14/01/2016 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyndaNotLinda · 14/01/2016 22:53

What an absolute cock up. Good luck with the meeting.

Lucy61 · 14/01/2016 22:54

You don't have to keep him at home, op. They have to make arrangements for any child who doesn't go on a school trip. Best practice would have been to discuss the trip with you in advance and do some work with both of you to enable him to go with your permission, or decide that he shouldn't go and plan something else for him.

Original poster
Skullyton · 14/01/2016 22:58

ok.. so that post took 10 minutes to appear. wtf mumsnet?

OP posts:
Original poster
Skullyton · 14/01/2016 23:01

Lucy, normally we do. But when asked about this panto trip he was quite vehement that he wanted nothing to do with it, so there was nothing to discuss!

OP posts: