To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

I still remember an incident in my local public library that took place around fifteen years ago. I'd come in to the children's room pre-school session was coming to an end. A small boy of around two was screaming and red in the face. His mother who was in the room was not looking at him or interacting or standing particularly close. She had her back turned and was chatting with a friend. There were about forty people - parents and small children in the room - and everyone was ignoring the screaming boy who was becoming more and more distressed. (Louder and louder. Redder and redder in the face. More and more shrill.)

I think the general sense was that there was a stand-off between parent and child, and nobody wanted to - or dared to - intervene even though a screaming child in a relatively small space makes a very great deal of noise. So everybody was trying to pretend it wasn't happening. Think Emperor's New Clothes.

I asked the child whether they were okay. They - briefly - stopped screaming and stared at me, then continued to scream. The mother turned round who was clearly furious with me and said, 'We just ignore him when he's in a paddy.'

It may be that the mother 'did know best' and was a wonderful parent

But I'd still question why more than thirty or so parents and children had to be subjected to this particular parenting style in a public place. It seemed to me that her displaying and sticking to her particular, individual way of dealing with her child's emotions took precedence over the needs of absolutely everybody else.

I agree with Pipistrella. At least I certainly do about not laughing at a child having a tantrum, it is very contemptuous.

People are talking about their own feelings on these kind of scenarios - some feel comfortable witnessing this, believing that emotional health is irrelevant others are trying to offer an explanation as to why people might deem this as 'unreasonable' and why the public might have intervened. I assume everyone on this thread who is offering advice has actually dealt with their own child's tantrums. If this 'is' the case then we all know what it's like to have to deal with the tantrum- given that this is the case why is my opinion for instance less valid that the ones that agree with OP. I can't support someone's actions if I dislike them and think they're bordering on cruel. All I can do is empathise with having to be in the situation of having a tantruming child. I think the OP should be mindful of receiving affirmation on her technique from people who have never even had to deal with their own child tantruming because they only have a baby or they don't have any children.

For your own sake OP I would try a new less stressful approach. Whether that's stress with your child or the stress caused by others intervening.

I don't think this is about people fixating on your child - I think it's developing into a bit of a pattern with your parenting. Maybe your tantrum strategy needs a rethink.

Bibbers I think there are people who do that, and it made me think of times I've seen mums treating their children with contempt - it's real, and it's really sad - but actually I think the OP has explained that she just felt desperate and would have broken down if she had let herself show her real feelings.

Perhaps it is what people thought; I might have mistaken it for contempt if I'd seen it. But underneath there is someone who does love their child and just doesn't know what to do.

A library is a bit different from a supermarket though, albeit they are both public places. In a library or a cafe, I'd always take the trantrummer outside until they calmed down. In a supermarket I wouldn't because it's less likely to ruin people's experience there. It's already noisy and you don't go there for enjoyment or peace & quiet.

OP, please google Janet Lansbury. Acknowledging what toddlers are upset about makes a huge difference to tantrums and self esteem. Please don't cause your son to detach from his emotions or you - it can cause serious issues in adolescence and adulthood.

Yeah, a stranger's emotions are less important to me than calming my child in the way that I know works best for them. In a library, I would have taken them outside, though (then ignored them)

Yeah me too. I am not sure I'd have the guts to do what that woman did

OP you have a right to be annoyed at the people who picked up your child and ruined the lesson.Good intentions roads to hell and all that

Laughing,smirking ?what rubbish!You are doing it right!

Many a tantrum stopped in it's worst throes here,by mother 'tantrumming and rolling' to the astonishment of said toddler and bystanders.

Toddlers are now pillars of society.

Granny is ancient and witchy looking with a silver bun,BUT is still ballet dancer fit and supple and occaisionally 'helps out' even now.!

I don't see how getting a one year old to calm themselves down by, 'leaving them to it', is 'caring' about their emotions in the slightest? It is the opposite- it's withdrawing from them. They are not babies for very long why do people see their baby as an adversery, to be 'shown' who is in charge, seeing 'control' as their priority. A 'baby' is not trying to piss you off when behaving in this way and to deem it 'unacceptable' sounds pompous and ludicrous! Just love the poor kid- you don't look weak if you show a baby that you can hug him when he's upset.

My Mother is a grandmother gotthemoononastick but would be mortified if I abandoned her grandchildren at 1 and made such a song and dance and public display of my parental technique. She would be really shocked by any grandparent calling their grandchild a 'fucking idiot' like the Op's Mother has.

But you do have to teach them that screaming isn't a good way of getting what you want. 19 months is still very young but the point at which they change and suddenly used tantrums to manipulate is very very fine. I missed the window with both of mine and regret it you don't necessarily have to walk off and leave them. There are many other methods but you do that have to let them know that what they are doing it's not acceptable in a public place . Sorry

That's a good point about 'self esteem'- constantly mocking or berating a child for acting their age is not going to help them in the long term. People who do well in life aren't scared of their own shadow, they're self confident and feel positive about the world. You often find this has been reinforced by their parents.

I don't think they're being 'manipulative' as they are toddlers. My eldest is nearly 9 and is only getting to grips with that 'idea' now. Even then it is not really a personality trait of his, he's an open kind of person. If he's upset he'll tell you so not manipulate me into thinking a certain way. We have encouraged him to express himself as he's not 'scared' of us. IME it is the children of strict parents that are the greatest manipulators and liars as it's a self preservation technique that they use as they are scared of their parents reaction.

1 just seems so young now. When you have older children you do wonder why you made such a fuss.

I agree so strongly with what many people have said about not laughing at a tantruming child. Stay calm, step away but please don't mock them or humiliate them for having unbearable, overwhelming feelings.

I have older children though and remember it well. I also remember my dd threatening to scream if she didn't get something and my son saying he'd be naughty so we'd go home. I do think some have different temperaments and so you deal with them differently: ie with some you have to be stricter. It's not my natural setting so I find it hard but I definitely find them easier if I am firmer but still fair. If I'd let them express all their emotions all the time, there'd be no room for me and I'm a person too and I matter. Part of life is learning to control yourself but not necessarily not feel. I know some adults who still won't do that

Yes but you can deal with tantrums effectively by not walking away from them.

Imagine for a second that you're upset about something. Really upset. Crying so hard that you can't even verbalise why you're upset. And your partner looks at you and walks away smirking. How do you feel? Better?

sellisx if you are still reading

homestart might be worth seeing if these people work in your area. A friend of mine went through a bad patch and they provided her with much needed support.

Otherwise the children centres in area might have some outreach support or a two year old nursery place - what they offer varies wildly but might be worth an approach.

We had rough times when the DC were little and found when were were stressed - house moves, money trouble, serious illness - our toddlers did play up more just when we had least coping capacity. My mum kept telling me that young children are like weather veins - they pick up your stress and anxiety pointing it out for all to see -and don't know how to deal with it all.

I have children you tantrum a lot - one started much earlier than considered normal and continued much later - she is a very definite independent person - recent visit to secondary school she surprised one teacher with her very definite opinions about subjects she was interested in. She is a polite girl with lots of self confidence.

While trying to empathise with tantrums toddler is a good strategy on occasions - not all tantrums have sensible causes. Worst one I had to deal with luckily at home - child wasn't tried, hungry or sick had attention and toys but flew of handle very violently with me because I'd change their nappy which they'd wanted but thrown away their poo. No explanation or diversion would suit him I'd done him wrong and he was going to continue till I returned his poo.

I'm a bit about all the posters who think if you walk away that the only technique you every use - not like you have wits to asses the situation and how to handle it. I wouldn't ignore a prolonged noise making tantrum in a library, walk of next to a busy road and have walked out in shops, cafe and restaurant with child under my arm.

Op judged it a safe place and a technique worth trying. I've had people interfere once in a deserted park and once in a empty shopping mall - wasn't far from the child at all but they knew better or didn't like to see upset children - children weren't actually upset it was all temper - the children didn't want a bar of them and it made the situation much more prolonged.

A very young child not been keen on a 'stranger' comforting them is not exactly a 'surprise', it does not prove that the walking away method works for that child. of course they don't want a stranger to make them feel secure they want their Mother or whoever they know and are with to do that. A toddler with a 'temper' is upset though and of course that is uncomfortable viewing.

Some people do know better as some people are woefully inadequate parents.

I don't see how getting a one year old to calm themselves down by, 'leaving them to it', is 'caring' about their emotions in the slightest? It is the opposite- it's withdrawing from them.

One of mine did get overloaded with sensory input so liked to calm down in own time without more input. Plus liked very earlier on to make their own decisions - before she was one she was having preferences with clothes. People don't believe that but she did. So at home putting her in a safe place and being nearby but not over her worked best. Didn't for other of our children. Out and about it's much harder - do remember having to pick her up and carry her to a quiet locations and be there but not over her while she calmed - then be there for a big cuddle and lots of reassurance.

Obviously there are different techniques to try and some work best in different locations with different children.

Plus from what I remember dealing with tantrums in public is hard anyway - and sometime we don't always get it right or afterwards think why didn't I try x first.

I think the OP need some support in RL and first to rule out any possible underlying problems - so encouraging her to seek out HV, GP and surestart children centres or homestart is the way to go rather than criticising a parenting technique that many parents find effective with particular children and in our case hasn't produce the supposedly dire consequences postulated.

In my case my children are all well past toddler age and are considered by their teachers and wider adults to be happy confident polite well manner children who are doing well.

Yes there are inadequate parents out there.

However you also have to realise that people parent their own children who can be very different to other people's children very differently and that is Okay.

In fact you tend to GET OVER IT as your children age IME as you increasingly see that different parenting doesn't mean wrong parenting.