To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

You don't need to do as his emotions say although I don't know what you really mean by that? You 'do' have a duty to think and give thought to his emotional health, just like his physical health. It's important to understand the way a one year old thinks and not have ridiculous expectations of him that he's never going to be able to satisfy.

Darthvader, has your hardline method worked with your toddler?

All my DS was saying at your son's age was car and Mama, he's now nearly 9 and on top table for everything. My DD similarly didn't say anything much until about 2.

Hear hear anotherbusymum. Watch out though, MrsDevere might tell you off!

If you genuinely only look 12 then perhaps people don't realise you're his mum, they may think you're an older sister. Who they think can't cope with him, has walked away, hence the intervention.

DD has tantrummed in public many many times and nobody has ever approached her or attempted to intervene. It's just not what people normally do.

OP, I don't think poorly of you at all. AIBU is full of parents (and non-parents) who love to judge, and see basic discipline as scarring a child for life. If I were you, I'd hide this thread and not come back. You're in a vulnerable position and most posters here are not interested in helping you and will only make you feel worse. Trust me, I've seen many a thread devolve into a judgey bunfight. See your GP (and post in Parenting for much better, balanced, advice), and keep your chin up x

No one is judging OP, I'm not. You cN suggest someone tries something different without being nasty darth...

Lucy are you the same Lucy as on another thread I've just read where that Lucy was being a contrary poster? Hmm, will go check.

Apologies if it's not you, might just be coincidence...

Cats, I'm not talking about posters suggesting a different approach. I'm talking about posters calling her mean, suggesting she fucked off half a mile away and left her son alone, and exaggerating the "laughing" with no sympathy whatsoever.

Okay that's uncalled for. I think there are other ways of dealing with it but insulting the OP when she's vulnerable isn't nice

sellisx I had a tantrummer too. I promise it will get better, you just have to hang on and realise that you are following a completely normal parenting technique - detach and give the child space to get over it, while showing that you are not being affected.

I preferred the poking them with a toes and asking if they've finished technique, or getting down on the ground and giving them pointers on how to make the tantrum more effective 'I'll take the feet dear, you just focus on getting the arms right', and indeed the 'Right, I'm slinging you under my arm now' make sure you face the child outwards so they can't land a blow or kick

But as long as you are consistent in whatever you do!

I had people intervene with my permission when DS threw his tantrums while I was 8 months pregnant and using crutches. All I could do in response was stand and wait for it to blow over. I was beyond bending and lifting him. The key bit is that they asked, and I consented.

(The supermarket was unavoidable as due to DS's various allergies I had to buy various basic foods across 4 supermarkets and couldn't buy sufficient quantities online. I also couldn't push a trolley with a seat so was reliant on him walking)

Every child is different, and if DS had gone beyond distraction, walking a small distance away works best with him. Attempting to physically comfort him winds him up even more. That's better saved for when things have calmed down.

It is strange for random people to intervene. I've mainly attracted sympathetic smiles.

Wow people are climbing all over each other to stick the boot into the op. I love the way these sensitive gentle parenting types are anything but that to other parents.

You are not a shite mother. Some total crap has been spouted on this thread by oh so perfect parents.

Every child is different and there are different ways of dealing with them. If my DS is having a strop, you can say "stop laughing" to him and tell him his face is cracking. He always gives it up and ends up laughing. If you do it to my DD, it makes her worse and even more stroppy. She can take a good hour to come out of a strop, DS's are over in minutes. The best thing to do a tantrumming or stroppy child is ignore them and let them get on with it. Standing next to them ffs. I walk away from mine casually. They generally just give it up and follow. DD is a dawdling daydreamer who gets distracted by everything. When I want to move on and she is messing about I tell her we are going, she carries on with what she is doing so I say "right I'm off bye" and walk off. I notice that people do look, no idea what they are thinking but she will follow me every time she realises I am leaving.

You carry on dealing with your child who you know best and when a stranger interferes, tell them to leave him go please or they will make him worse.

Do mothers always know best? It may be that we often know best. Or that what we know works some of the time.

But there are times when possibly we don't. We may have had rubbish parenting which nonetheless continues shapes our behaviour. We may have mistaken beliefs about what our small children are trying to do and what they are - or are not - capable of.

We may at times be ill and/or depressed and/or stressed and/or worried, and the illness, depression, stress and worry may adversely affect our judgement.

It can be very distressing to witness children having a prolonged tantrum in a public place. Members of the public have no way of judging whether or not the relationship between a parent and their child is basically okay, or basically not okay.

Because there are parents who do not cope and whose children are adversely affect by their parents' not coping.

Perhaps some kind of real life support is helpful when a parent is feeling overwhelmed?

Members of the public have no way of judging whether or not the relationship between a parent and their child is basically okay, or basically not okay.

I strongly feel that it's not the place of a member of the public to even try to judge that. A passer by should not attempt to be some kind of self appointed authority on a strangers parenting.
However much empathy they ooze for children in general, they have no right to undermine a parent dealing with their child in a way the parent sees fit. Under 3's are a magnet for nosy people, it makes the stage harder and more stressful even if you are in sound mental health and have a cosy life at home it ruins your day every time a standard strop attracts comments or staring.
I see toddlers out in public tantruming all the time, I look away very deliberately because I would never want to make a parent feel under pressure to take a particular action on my account.

Rabbit says it very well.

Tantrums are normal and part of a child's development. If someone finds that "distressing" I suggest they get out more. Or, alternatively, walk on and mind their own business.

Saying nobody should ever intervene is basically arguing that in all circumstances a parent has the right to do as they like.

Which is just a little bit dangerous.

I've never found gentle parenting types are nasty to strict parents

Seriously someone not rewarding a tantrum with attention is not abuse, it's not a dangerous situation. It's a personal choice, we cannot police each others parenting like that. Appeasing passers by should not be on our radar when we choose out parenting methods (because it is an age old method, not an act of cruelty). How can someone have the right to enforce their chosen parenting style if it were their child on a kid they know nothing about.
I think some people must have serious boundary issues or maybe a superiority complex if they actually believe every child they walk past in the supermarket could potentially need to be saved by them.

Mrsdevere no need for name calling. Now you are picking on someone else too! Oh, and gentle parenting is not good enough for you either. Let people be and stop picking on people you don't agree with.

No, but a lot of people have a dairy allergy and a lot of chips are covered in whey powder. Not so crazy when you know about allergies.

Or fried in peanut oil. At least here in the US.

My thought is that if he has no words his tantrums are likely out of frustration due to his inability to communicate. My daughter began speech therapy at 24 months, because she had fewer than 10 words. You don't have to have a referral here; you just make an appointment, but her doctor recommended it at her 24-month checkup.

Cats your experience contradicts with many other people's, including this thread.

Marvik, if OP was standing there shouting in her child's face, beating the crap out of them, or standing outside the supermarket checking Facebook while her kid tantrummed inside, we'd be having a different conversation. Common sense, while severely lacking in most people, plays a large part in the "no need to get involved, move along" line of thinking.

Perhaps I haven't noticed it darth, I suppose. I don't think people would make it up.

Or a different view of it is that a child's needs take precedence over an adults - especially when your discussing baby toddlers. It's not that people are the 'big bad wolf' for pointing that out. This country is notoriously considerate and accommodating of parents' preferences, even if the outcome is damaging to the child. Lots of sympathy bestowed on 'vulnerable' adults but none for the distressed baby - bit incongruous with the 'caring' attitude that people believe they have. Surely, the most vulnerable person is the priority?

Equally, I don't agree with the methods of the OP and I've seen people look concerned in these kind of scenarios- Young people, middle aged men, old grandmother types, I can't imagine they've all been on a 'gentle parenting' website or belong to such a group. Maybe what they think is going on is inappropriate. Of course they might be wrong but sometimes people's judgements are correct.

So do you walk away from your tantruming child then Darthvader?