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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aBiu to ask for a consensus of opinion DS wedding and hen related

94 replies

Cazm2 · 12/01/2016 22:57

Hi all DS getting married mid September, whirlwind engagement and wedding within 10 months. I am currently 6 months pregnant with DC2 due beg of April. Hen do has been arranged in London we are hour away by train. Two night hotel stay spa cocktail making Yada Yada cost £200 before travel and expenses. First issue is I am not sure about leaving possibly under 2 month old for two nights - not sure about breastfeeding yet etc, second issue is monetary I will be on Mat pay and simply have to watch money although there is an instalment option. Plus the stag do for my DH to go at some point. Would I be unreasonable to ask to stay for one night and go up sat morning? I know in advance I will get stick from my family about being silly leaving baby etc etc My next issue will be staying the night of the wedding in September it's at posh hotel and due to lack of availability ( party conference) room rates shot up to £475 for one night! I just can't justify this and there are hardly any rooms cheaper again I know there will be a family issue regarding us not staying .

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/01/2016 23:02

Apologises it's DSIS not DS!!!

OP posts:
LagoonaBlu · 12/01/2016 23:10

I wouldn't go to the hen do, I don't think

I couldn't afford £475 for wedding stay, either!! Would go, but drive home/somewhere cheaper to stay

badg3r · 12/01/2016 23:10

Apart from the other family members, will your sister be sad if you can't make it for all the Hen do? If it was me I would travel into London for the day only to come to some of the events, expenses allowing. You're skint and you'll have a tiny baby. She should understand.

RE hotel for wedding, I would say to your sister that you can't afford it - tell her how many weeks' Mat pay it'll cost for the Hen do and wedding hotel if needs be. She should understand and if the others raise eyebrows then that's their problem, it's really none of their business.

WFIF, BF or not I would not have been able to leave my DS when he was so young for two nights. Your baby will still be so tiny. If you are BF it'll be a complete nightmare.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/01/2016 23:18

Thanks I don't know about sister she is only 21 and bit niave about things so may take badly. It's more my mum and other sister , they will be oh just do it baby fine etc etc. My other sister everything goes on credit cards so doesn't matter. I just know people will think I am being precious and in my family I am already turning into outsider. Plus my DH is capable but two nights with 4 year old and tiny baby I just feel edgy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/01/2016 23:18

Hen do is beg of July also x

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 12/01/2016 23:33

I would say no to the hen weekend and no to the hotel cost.

duckduckquack · 12/01/2016 23:33

I wouldn't leave a 2 month old. If you are breastfeeding you'll be feeding between 8 - 10 times a day. I don't think you'd be able to express enough milk to leave for even one day let alone two. At the end of the day it's only a party and your baby comes first even if family members think that's silly or talk about you behind your back. If you're not breasfeeding it's still a long time to be away from a little baby, I'm all about the '4th' trimester and baby needing to always be physically close to mum for the first three months. If you want to go you'll make it happen but don't be guilted into it!! If the situation were reversed sure you'd understand a new mum not being able to attend

CurlyBlueberry · 12/01/2016 23:34

No way would I leave my 2 month old for anybody's hen party for one night let alone two. And no way would I drop FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS (one month's mat pay!) on one night in a hotel. If they don't like it they can pay it for you.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/01/2016 23:37

See now my DH has started ' you should make effort it's your sister' but I just can't see how I can say yes now!

OP posts:
NotSoFancyNancy · 12/01/2016 23:51

Can you stay in hotel/other accommodation for wedding? Outrageous price for a room you will barely see and enjoy.
One night for hen more than enough especially if feeding baby yourself.

TendonQueen · 12/01/2016 23:52

If the wedding is in a party conference city there'll be plenty of hotels - look for your nearest Travelodge / Premier Inn type option and book that. Present it as a done deal and tell anyone who disagrees that they are very welcome to pay the 500pn on your behalf if they feel that way.

Hen do - if you're only an hour away, go for the day and take your DH or someone else who will have the baby mostly and just bring them to you for feeds. Go home at night. Again just tell them assertively it's the only way you can do it.

NerrSnerr · 12/01/2016 23:56

I wouldn't go to the hen party, 2 months is too small and it'll be near impossible if you're breastfeeding. Is there another hotel you can book near to the venue?

BackforGood · 12/01/2016 23:59

I agree with everyone else. I would say 'Sorry, I'm not going to be able to make the hen party, I'm sure you'll understand. Hope you have a great time' and not enter in to specific reasons, just state it as fact.

I would not be paying out £475 for one night in a hotel room come what may ! Shock Depending on how far away it was, I'd come home, or book somewhere else closer to the venue.

Pannacott · 13/01/2016 00:02

Would you even want to leave your two month old for two nights? (Or even 36 hours?) And I really wouldn't risk the breastfeeding, if that's something you'd like to do.

badg3r · 13/01/2016 00:04

Your immediate family is dh and kids. You need to look out for them first. Can you make a big fuss of your sis some other way, maybe go for a so a day the two of you or in to London to see a show and have dinner before the baby arrives? Which will invariably be cheaper that the hen Wink
I really don't get the obsession with big expensive hen dos! but that has been done to death already

badg3r · 13/01/2016 00:04

*spa day

onecurrantbun1 · 13/01/2016 00:04

I would not (and could not have done with my girls) leave my two month old for. YANBU at all to miss the hen do entirely.

I would however do what I could to stay in the hotel for the wedding itself- has she not negotiated a special rate for guests? Any Travelodges or independant B and Bs nearby?

badg3r · 13/01/2016 00:06

How much would a taxi home late at night be from the wedding venue? Even if it's £100 it's still a damn sight cheaper than the hotel!

Viviennemary · 13/01/2016 00:15

None of it sounds reasonable to me. I'd just say no to the lot of it. Your sister should have a bit more consideration for people than expecting them to fork out all this money. How can she expect people to pay those extortionate rates for a hotel room.

coconutpie · 13/01/2016 00:17

No way would I even consider the hen do. You will have a 2 month old newborn, a tiny baby who needs their mum, regardless of breastfeeding. If you are breastfeeding, you will need to pump loads (if you can even pump) prior to ensure baby has enough and then you will also need to pump regularly while away from your baby to make sure your supply is not reduced.

No way would I pay £475 for a hotel room for a wedding. Also, don't think you've mentioned but I wouldn't even be going to the wedding if it means you have to be separated from your baby who will only be 4 months old by then.

Also your sister is 21 and getting married after only seeing their partner for less than a year? WTF.

Oh and you should never feel the need to allow others justify separating you from your newborn baby unless it is an emergency. And a bloody wedding is not an emergency. Your baby needs you, your sister does not. Needs trump wants.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 03:12

Thanks guys I feel the same as everyone but in my family I will be made to feel outsider mainly because I don't really leave my DD very often anyway. Re the hotel we are waiting to hear regarding reduced rates but due to lack of availability I think it's pudge costs up! Even nearby hotels are full or seem to have doubled rates. I raised all of this when they decided to book venue - incidentally due to the numbers of people and booking 8 months in advance they didn't have a hugechoice. However my mum and everyone esle poo pooed concerns. We live 20 minutes away but the logistics of having such a young baby there already are freaking me out!! I could just drive home ! DSIS got with partner in May last year bought in November then engaged Christmas , turned 21 September last year. No one in immediate family has batted eyelid regarding timing - apart from me which has already caused bit of tension! I think hen do I could travel up on sat morning and come home sat eve might be fair way of doing it

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teaandporridge · 13/01/2016 03:27

No chance! And I wouldn't give a fuck what any family member thought of my decision. If they want to make you an outsider for not wanting to leave a baby then says a lot more about them than you.

DesertOrDessert · 13/01/2016 03:40

OK so realistically, the hen do could be you, with a 6 week old baby. You may still be bleeding, if your BF and away from baby, you may have leaks boobs. A spa is our afaic. Is there a small part you AND baby could go to? The evening meal perhaps, and then get the last train home?

Wedding. £475 for a hotel 20 mins from home? I'd book a taxi there and back, take a travel booster for the 4 year old, and a carseat for baby and go. If you don't want to drink, drive yourselves there.

GailTheFish · 13/01/2016 03:45

I went on a friends' hen do for the day a couple of months' ago when DS was 8 weeks old and EBF, about an hour away from where we live. My DP and DS came too, and based themselves in a nearby pub for the afternoon while I went to the hen, and I popped out to feed as needed. Would something like that be an option for you, or if the hen party are staying at a hotel could you use a room as a base? That way you might be able to make some of the hen, without the expense and the stress of living a newborn.

Ipsos · 13/01/2016 03:46

I would just say no to the cost and explain that you will be up to your ears in a new baby and can't go. It seems very straightforward to me, and if they get uppity about it them they are just being weird.