Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

aBiu to ask for a consensus of opinion DS wedding and hen related

94 replies

Cazm2 · 12/01/2016 22:57

Hi all DS getting married mid September, whirlwind engagement and wedding within 10 months. I am currently 6 months pregnant with DC2 due beg of April. Hen do has been arranged in London we are hour away by train. Two night hotel stay spa cocktail making Yada Yada cost £200 before travel and expenses. First issue is I am not sure about leaving possibly under 2 month old for two nights - not sure about breastfeeding yet etc, second issue is monetary I will be on Mat pay and simply have to watch money although there is an instalment option. Plus the stag do for my DH to go at some point. Would I be unreasonable to ask to stay for one night and go up sat morning? I know in advance I will get stick from my family about being silly leaving baby etc etc My next issue will be staying the night of the wedding in September it's at posh hotel and due to lack of availability ( party conference) room rates shot up to £475 for one night! I just can't justify this and there are hardly any rooms cheaper again I know there will be a family issue regarding us not staying .

OP posts:

Alconleigh · 13/01/2016 11:51

Did your husband know the groom before this whirlwind romance? If not they are hardly old friends and it's a polite invite to the stag surely, therefore easy to decline?

MrsBartlettforthewin · 13/01/2016 12:11

Don't stay at the hotel. It will be to much hassle with all the stuff you will need/want to have for baby and 4 yr old. if only 20 minutes from your home, go home.
My wedding reception was about 20 min from my parents house neither of my brothers and few of my relatives spent the night at the hotel they either stayed at my folks or local B and B's/ premier inns. All I wanted was them to be there to celebrate with me if they could. Why should you have to fork out so much money when you really don't need to?
Tell your family that this is what you are doing and leave it at that. Don't get drawn into any discussion arguments about it.
Same with hen do, you will still be recovering from the birth and getting used to having two tiny people to look after you need to put yourself and their well being first.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 12:18

No he didn't know groom prior to this! I think half trouble is because we do our own thing and don't follow everyone esle we get cast aside as difficult and not willing to join in, my immediate family is very close and it can make things difficult !

OP posts:

diddl · 13/01/2016 12:24

Are they really close or just fall in line?

Sorry, but I just can't imagine giving anotherfamily member "stick" because they couldn't/wouldn't do exactly what was being asked/demanded of them.

And is your own family less important?

Bunbaker · 13/01/2016 12:27

"At £475 a night I think she may have a lot of guests declining the invitation."

Why on earth was the wedding organized for this date? Can it be changed?

Seriously, I think loads of people will be declining the invitation or pulling out when they discover how much the hotel costs, and how difficult it will be to get a room elsewhere.

In your shoes I would have absolutely no problem standing up to the family and declining the invitation to the hen do or staying at the hotel. If you sound doubtful in your objections they will try and talk you round. Just say no and sound like you mean it. Far better than to say maybe and then drop out when cancelling is going to be difficult.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 13:00

No they are adamant they want to get married September, due to lack of planning time and available dates coupled with large number of sit down very few venues could accommodate . This is a second date original date venue couldn't do a week earlier in September. I raised issue of people not being able to stay and was poo pooed for negativity. The whole thing feels like rush job! I guess fall in line and close!

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 13/01/2016 13:09

Honestly no, I have a toddler and a baby and would never stay in a hotel with them just 20 min from home. They will be unsettled, toddler would never sleep, all the stuff you need to take - not worth it.

LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2016 14:00

Your families dynamics sound a bit odd to say the least OP. I would definitely decline hen night and if you only live 20 minutes away from venue I dont even see why booking a hotel room has to be such a big issue for your family, I would get a taxi.

specialsubject · 13/01/2016 14:39

can't afford it, can't go. That's it.

she does indeed sound spoilt. Well, now she's getting married it is a perfect opportunity to grow up.

coconutpie · 13/01/2016 15:04

You are mad to even consider going to the hen (even for the day part) when you have a tiny newborn baby.

diddl · 13/01/2016 15:12

Tiny newborn vs spa & cocktails.

Absolutely no contest!

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 18:40

Thanks I do feel a little torn but I don't think it is going to be possible however she guilt trips me as wedding obviously important but then I think if you do things at short notice expect hassles! My family dynamics are terrible but that's another thread!

OP posts:

diddl · 13/01/2016 19:06

But you will be there for the wedding which is more important.

I've been married twice and my sister didn't make it to either hen do or wedding!

Twindroops · 13/01/2016 19:11

I think you've been more than fine with your compromise OP. I'm sorry if you get stick from you family, last thing you need is stress like this.
I didn't make it to my sisters hen or wedding last year. Its not unusual!

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 19:25

Thanks! I have sent a long message to her this morning and no reply so far! I just get from my mum also I did it etc etc I suggested going out for a meal or something too to make up for it! Unfortunately I am seen as the poor relation to the rest of siblings etc actually translates as sensible we cleared all our debt and don't want to live beyond our means!

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 13/01/2016 19:39

Cam, living within your means is a very good choice.

Btw you use a lot of !

The hotel thing is particularly bizarre, living 20 mins away....I don't think there's any need to feel guilty and organise a separate thing. Also is breakfast necessary, you will probably be pooped anyway.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 20:16

Sorry about the ! Lol! Well as I haven't had a reply all day but she has been replying to other messages I guess it's annoyed her

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 13/01/2016 20:29

Id gird yourself for an onslaught of "but can't you..."

And your best bet will be to say, "yes, I could but I would be unhappy, uncomfortable and broke and that would be no good for a wedding which should be a happy day for bridal party and guests."

I'm afraid I've only been to one wedding where the couple seemed to care for guests.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 20:31

I think your right I think trouble is she is very young and doesn't have much of a clue about real life, still in the throes of a early relationship ! But I will get made out to be the bad guy! Unfortunately it's just bad timing with maternity pay! However I got pregnant first

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 13/01/2016 20:39

Your mum should be able to help you explain though
I wouldn't fork out that money even on full pay, it would be a waste.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 13/01/2016 20:45

My mum thinks I should make more effort and not be do pfb! Like I said I don't always tend to tow the line!

OP posts:

diddl · 13/01/2016 21:01

Make more effort? You have a family and responsibilities. Not making a hen night, even your sister's a top priority is no big deal, or shouldn't be, especially if money is a little tight.

lorelei9 · 13/01/2016 21:15

Caz, I never toe the line.

I'd just tell them it's non negotiable.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 13/01/2016 21:16

Why the bloody hell would anyone pay £475 to stay in a hotel 20 minutes from their house? Fuck that.

Bunbaker · 13/01/2016 22:37

"And your best bet will be to say, "yes, I could but I would be unhappy, uncomfortable and broke and that would be no good for a wedding which should be a happy day for bridal party and guests.""

No, your best bet would be to say no, I can't, and that's that.

Not being able to afford ridiculous hotel rates has nothing to do with "making an effort". It is to do with cost. Even if the hotel was cheap I would still prefer to go home to my own bed, especially if it is only a 20 minute drive away. Honestly, when everyone has gone to bed no-one will care whether you are in the hotel or not.

Flip

1 2 3 4