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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wince at people who have homebirths?

576 replies

TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:30

I never used to, I used to say that everyone should have the birth they want and mean it. But my birth went wrong and I ended up with a baby who would have died had it not been for NICU. If we had been at home, he wouldn't have survived and I may not have.

Every time I hear someone say they want a homebirth my head screams "YOU'RE BEING IRRESPONSIBLE". I get visions of myself and my son lying dead. It frightens me and every time I see a woman who is pregnant I think "I hope they both survive". I don't say any of this unless someone asks and then I just say that I ended up with complications so was greatful to not be at home.

But I feel like people are risking themselves and their babies and it makes me uncomfortable. I think IABU but don't know how to deal with my feelings on this. Please don't be harsh.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 09/01/2016 20:31

Yeah I agree. But what can you do?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/01/2016 20:32
Flowers

You know YABU but I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Was your birth recent - have you had any support coming to terms with it?

MoMoTy · 09/01/2016 20:32

I agree, I think it's selfish but not my choice.

onthephone100 · 09/01/2016 20:33

I think you need help coming to terms with your experience.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 09/01/2016 20:33

It sounds to me like you need support coming to terms with your birth, this may just be a way to vent your feelings about that. Have you had any support?

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:34

I have a debrief booked soon to find out why my apparently healthy low risk baby wasn't breathing and showed signs of distress.

He is 5 months and luckily is fine but the birth still upsets me.

OP posts:
Crazybaglady · 09/01/2016 20:34

I had a home birth.

Sometimes, part of me thinks 'what the fuck were you thinking?!' But other times I think I had a wonderful experience, and if I was in hospital there would have been a lot of intervention which the baby and I happily coped without.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible time but I think that if its not your baby, it's not your business.

PinkFondantFancy · 09/01/2016 20:35

I think you shouldn't project your experiences onto others. I'm sorry you had such a traumatic birth - I wasn't there so I can't cast judgement on your birth, just like you shouldn't cast judgement on mine, the choices I make are frankly none of your business.

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2016 20:35

My DD had a home pool birth, first baby, with the full support of her MW.

It was lovely, much more relaxed than the hospital births, i have attended, which I think then contributed to forceps etc being needed.

I respect your opinion, it's based on your own experience, but some Women do not cope well in hospital and being at home, if you have support, is better for Mum and healthy baby.

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:36

Crazy I'm glad it went well for you and I agree it's not my business, I never tell anyone I feel this way!

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 09/01/2016 20:36

I think it's natural to perceive danger in a situation that has directly affected you in a negative way OP. It's part of coming to terms with what happened.

All you can do is be aware that you have a heightened sensitivity to the potential risks. You can't impose your perception of the situation in anyone else.

Saying that, I wouldn't be one for a HB myself.

Excited101 · 09/01/2016 20:36

YANBU

PacificDogwod · 09/01/2016 20:37

YANBU to feel the way you feel - please seek some help and support for your traumatic experience. I am so glad you and your baby are ok Thanks

YABU to think that home births as a possible choice are irresponsible as such. There is a lot of evidence to support HBs for many women, and of course it is an individual choice.

I was the opposite to you in that I thought anything other than a hospital birth is utterly insane Grin, and I have had only hospital births, one of which after a long stay in hospital and emCS at 31 weeks. However, with time and experience I have come round to the opinion that a well-supported HB with experienced MWs in attendance can be a great thing. Not for me and by the sounds of it, not for you, but for many women.

Finola1step · 09/01/2016 20:37

You know that this is really about your own experiences. For the record, I had a homebirth with my second dc. First was in hospital, second with a very experienced homebirth midwife team.

My experience was very successful. But my experience doesn't matter here. Have you spoken to anyone about what happened? It really is worrying that you feel this way and maybe a conversation with you GP about possible PTSD would help. I'm sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:37

For those who had home births how did you confidently know you were doing the right thing? I would never have a baby anywhere that doesn't have a level 3 NICU just in case, even if low risk because in my mind if you're the one in however many it's not worth it.

I'm glad some people had lovely experiences though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:40

I haven't spoken to anyone yet because I'm waiting for the debrief to find out what happened, I think if I know what went wrong I might be able to process it more than just "birth is terrifying".

Thank you for the supportive replies. I'm having a night where I keep thinking about it Sad

OP posts:
3littlebadgers · 09/01/2016 20:40

It is part of your experiance around birth op and so YANBU. My 4th child was stillborn, whenever I see a large group of pregnant people the thought runs through me head, 'will they all survive, or will one of you end up like me?' It is never an intentional thing it's just that stillbirth is my reality now Sad

Luckystar1 · 09/01/2016 20:41

Oh, I was thinking of a home birth if this current pregnancy is ok.

But actually I know what you mean, and I've often thought the same in the past.

I was lucky my first birth was very straightforward and I could've easily given birth at home, but you are absolutely right, no 2 births are the same.

I hope you manage to come to terms with your traumatic birth soon. FWIW (which is very little), I was still sort of weirdly traumatised after DS birth even though it was 'easy' (although he too wasn't breathing on birth, but required no assistance thankfully!). I think the whole thing is just a very, very massive thing to happen without your additional terrible scares.

TouchingToes · 09/01/2016 20:41

I could say the same about a mother who lets her teenage daughter go out in the evening. Because mine let me and I was brutally attacked. Or I could accept that in the course of life, sometimes things go disastrously wrong and that what happened to me was a rare and awful thing.

I think it sounds as though you have trauma to address, maybe start by talking with your doctor.

SparklyTinselTits · 09/01/2016 20:41

Sorry you had such a terrible time Flowers
I think most women who end up having a home birth have been deemed to be low risk for complications, so the worst is very unlikely...
But those who are advised by medical professionals against home birth, but choose to do it anyway because it's their "plan" are morons. I've seen it. A friend of my sister's planned a home birth from the start. She is a rather large lady, and was told her risk for complications was automatically higher due to her weight. On top of that, she went overdue, and refused an induction. She eventually went into spontaneous labour, but still refused to go to the hospital Hmm
Beyond stupid.
I had a rough time in hospital having my first, no complications, but I hated every second of being in a medical environment. I was deemed to be low risk throughout my pregnancy, and just went with a hospital birth because it's what I thought everyone just did without question. But when we have number 2, I will definitely lean towards a home birth, as long as I am again deemed to be low risk for complications. I like the idea of having complete 1-on-1 care throughout the entire process, which I didn't have during the birth of my DD. I was left alone for quite a lot of it.
Birth choices are a minefield!
I wish you and you baby all the best after coming out of such an awful experience Flowers

HowBadIsThisPlease · 09/01/2016 20:41

I had a home birth. It didn't occur to me until the community midwives suggested it at ante natal appointments, and I would never have fought against medical advice for one.

In my case the community midwives were very pro home birth as had better outcomes (in low risk mothers). Tragically, a little while after my babies were born, a report was published on obstetrics care at the hospital and it was pretty damning (due to pressure on resources and low staff levels) so maybe that has something to do with the better outcomes at the time I was being advised - the question is, better than what? Sad

All birth is a risk and in my case the midwives were confident they were advising me to take a low risk option. I think they saw me and my baby as physically low risk but mentally at a certain risk of PND and that was their professional advice to me.

AnnaT45 · 09/01/2016 20:41

I agree OP. But I think you probably do if you had a traumatic birth. I guess it depends on how far you are from a hospital.

On another note I just don't get the appeal. Like tidying up etc? Especially with the pool... Where does the water go? Who washes up all the towels etc? Grin

TouchingToes · 09/01/2016 20:43

Sorry, cross posted. You are in the very early and awful days of trauma. Don't be brushed off and maybe think about contacting Trauma After Birth Support, they are very good.

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:43

3littlebadgers I'm sorry for your loss Flowers I hope you are okay and coping

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 09/01/2016 20:44

Statistically it is safer for low risk women to have a home birth. The chances of complications are small but, for me, the issue is the potential for disaster in the unlikely event of a baby (like yours) being unexpectedly born in poor condition or of something like a shoulder dystocia or postpartum haemorrhage occurring without warning and without immediate support at the end of an emergency buzzer. For this reason I wouldn't personally choose a homebirth but I would support any woman's informed choice to deliver her baby at home.

I'm glad to hear your baby is well and hope your debrief helps you to come to terms with your experience

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