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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wince at people who have homebirths?

576 replies

TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:30

I never used to, I used to say that everyone should have the birth they want and mean it. But my birth went wrong and I ended up with a baby who would have died had it not been for NICU. If we had been at home, he wouldn't have survived and I may not have.

Every time I hear someone say they want a homebirth my head screams "YOU'RE BEING IRRESPONSIBLE". I get visions of myself and my son lying dead. It frightens me and every time I see a woman who is pregnant I think "I hope they both survive". I don't say any of this unless someone asks and then I just say that I ended up with complications so was greatful to not be at home.

But I feel like people are risking themselves and their babies and it makes me uncomfortable. I think IABU but don't know how to deal with my feelings on this. Please don't be harsh.

OP posts:
MytwinisMilaKunis · 09/01/2016 20:45

Yanbu

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:46

Sparkly I think the 1-1 care of a HB sounds lovely. There is an issue of possible negligence in my birth as I repeatedly told them I couldn't feel the baby and the CTG showed his movements had stopped but it was ignored. I think the idea of a home birth is lovely I just think what if it goes wrong.

Again thank you to everyone. I think I'll go to see someone about it after the debreif. It's in two weeks and I'm nervous

OP posts:
LumelaMme · 09/01/2016 20:46

I think you need help coming to terms with your experience
This.

I had 3 home births. I was at low risk, I read the stats, and the stats told me I was safer at home (this was some years ago, not sure what they're like now). I did not want to end up with the 'cascade of interventions'.

I have had friends give birth in hospital and end up with interventions and things going wrong that I suspect they might have avoided had they delivered at home, with a confident, capable midwife. I NEVER say this, though.

I'm so sorry you had the experience you did. Flowers

formerbabe · 09/01/2016 20:46

My midwife asked me if I wanted a home birth...I was like 'No Way'. As it was, I had a completely text book easy labour with no intervention in hospital.

I am amazed when women say they felt more relaxed being at home. I felt really panicky imagining giving birth and not being in the immediate vicinity of medical facilities.

PinkFondantFancy · 09/01/2016 20:47

You asked earlier how I got comfortable with the concept of homebirth. My husband and I researched every possible thing that can go wrong. Can't really recommend a pregnant woman does this but anyway, we needed to do it. We then discussed it with our extremely experienced midwife and came to the conclusion that there's very few things that can go unexpectly wrong that would be treated differently at home to in hospital. In addition, I felt that a planned homebirth with a midwife in attendance from a relatively early stage, looking after just me rather than me and 2 others is actually safer than doing most of the labour at home on my own, unmonitored, with no early notice of potential issues, and then my husband trying to drive like mad for the approx. 40minute journey to hospital with me in advanced labour.

mapmyface · 09/01/2016 20:47

Sorry for your bad experience op Thanks

After having a easy straight forward relatively quick hospital birth with dc1 I decided on having dc2 at home.

The midwives arrived with the wrong attachment for the gas canister so I had no pain relief at all. Dc2 was stuck and it was a long traumatic birth which resulted in her not breathing when born. Luckily they resuscitated her and she made a full recovery.

I still berate myself for taking that risk, I had dc3 in hospital

PinkFondantFancy · 09/01/2016 20:49

The main thing for me is that the midwife was monitorng me very closely and we would have transferred at the first sign of any issues. We felt comfortable that it was highly unlikely that anything would go wrong fast enough for us to not get to hospital for assistance if needed.

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:49

Pink thank you that's a very informative answer.

OP posts:
HildaWazzo · 09/01/2016 20:50

I had a home birth with my third child - I hadn't really considered it until my midwife suggested it. I presume if it's irresponsible of me to have had the home birth (the easiest and by far the least painful of my births), then it's beyond irresponsible for a medical professional to recommend it as a good option due to my history of quick, straightforward births. Would pp like to see such midwives struck off for medical negligence, I wonder?

Having said that, I do understand how the op's experience will have coloured her viewpoint.

shazzarooney99 · 09/01/2016 20:50

They say there is a lot less risk when you have a homebirth, my homebirth was the best i had, it was the quickest, the most relaxed and if i had anymore children, which i am not i would have another!

Crazybaglady · 09/01/2016 20:50

thecats good luck with your debrief. I hope it gives you some closure Flowers

I spent ALOT of time in hospital when I was younger and the environment stresses me out. I had to have a hospital birth with my first and it was horrific. Nothing went wrong but my stress levels were through the roof and the midwives were horrible. Just horrible. I vowed I'd only have future home births from when I was about 8cm!!!!

I looked into it and read a lot of stories- good and bad. With the bad outcomes stories I researched the reasons why they went wrong and weighed up the probability of it happening to me.

I had to have extra scans and consultant led care anyway due to my medical history and I was completely low risk and my consultant signed me off for a home birth. My nearest hospital is a 10 minute drive away, on a clear run.

I'd met the team regularly and attended home birth meet ups so knew all the midwives apart from one. I found them very personable and thorough. I asked him how they would handle certain scenarios, how many still births had they attended ect. They answered all my questions thoroughly and explained what they would do in the event of an emergency.

When I was in labour, I phoned my midwife when I needed her (typically the one I hadn't met) and she was over within 20 minutes, she was like an angel sent from God (Blush). I also had a student midwife and a community midwife there. I was pushing for a long long time because the babies head was at a funny angle but during and after each contraction both mine and the babies heart rate were monitored and we were both absolutely fine. She eventually came out, no tearing, no stitches and in a pool in my living room early on a Sunday morning and it was lovely. I would do it again and again.

So in conclusion, hospitals stress the hell out of me and I decided to stay in my least stressful environment

ChatEnOeuf · 09/01/2016 20:50

YANBU. I'm so pleased you were in the right place and both you and your baby survived. My second was stillborn, and only an earlier delivery would have saved him. I don't automatically think all babies should come at 35 weeks, though, as stillbirth can occur before then too. However, I do judge those who decline postdates inductions - my experience has scarred me in that respect. Also those who don't get seen with reduced movements, and so on...I know what the guilt is like when you've done everything you could and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

My instant reaction whenever I hear of a new arrival is not joy, but relief tinged with jealousy - the innocence is gone. I think a debrief is a good idea, hopefully it will help you to move away from those sad feelings and enjoy your son.

I'd never have a homebirth, but if I ever have another, I'll not be getting to term either. Doesn't mean that either of those things are unreasonable for others though.

PinkFondantFancy · 09/01/2016 20:51

I really hope your debrief is helpful, it must have been very traumatic Flowers

cljmshm7 · 09/01/2016 20:52

I had two home births. My first was with dd3 and it was amazing, the best birthing experience I've had. The MW'S did all the tidying and even changed my bed to the new covers I had brought while I was in the bath. It was lovely just to get into my own bed after.
My second with dd4 didn't go well, when the MW broke my waters they were black and she couldn't find dd4's heartbeat. Very quickly an ambulance was called. My MW was amazing, she didn't show any panic at all, dd4 was born in the back of an ambulance, she had two true knots in her cord but was perfectly fine.
I have since had ds2 and dd5 and have been at hospital both times as DH was worried after dd4, ds2 had a true knot in his cord as well.
If things do go wrong from my experience they are picked up very quickly.
I would still recommend a home birth.

ThatsIrrelephant · 09/01/2016 20:52

YANBU to feel that way at all, so glad you and your LO got the help you needed.

However, large studies (think the Place of Birth study) have shown that homebirths for women who've birthed before are safest for both mother and baby. For first time mums, stand-alone midwife-led units (e.g. no NICU and no obstetricians) are safest. That's for low risk women. This also accounted for the fact that women who birth at hospital are more likely to be higher risk.

MNetter15 · 09/01/2016 20:53

YANBU.

You can refuse intervention in a hospital. I've had natural/drug free/no intervention deliveries in a hospital through choice, because I know that I'm in a safe place, should an emergency situation occur.

I regularly see people say that they had/are planning a home birth to avoid intervention and drugs Confused They don't force it on you, you know Confused

mathanxiety · 09/01/2016 20:53

YANBU, but don't openly disrespect the choice other women make.

Everyone supposedly understands the risks and everyone makes the best decision they can. In most cases it works out ok. And hospital negligence is not unknown either, unfortunately.

The most important factor in maternal mental health after delivery is the element of choice and autonomy mothers felt they had in labour and delivery. Many women are traumatised by the hospital experience. Many end up regretting home birth. But overall, feeling you have a real choice is very important.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/01/2016 20:56

I'm in two minds. I like the idea of a home birth, but the thought of not having emergancy care just in case outweights my personal wants. I was lucky with my first birth - the MLU I was in just let me get on with it, minimal 'involvement' and the whole thing went as well as a birth possibly could. I doubt I could have felt more 'relaxed' if I was in my own home. I personally would chose the same again, unless we move next door to the hospital as I would just hate to take that risk. However, I'll say again, I do believe the hosptial I gave birth in was excellent, and therefore left me with an overall positive view. On reflection, I wouldn't like to have cleared up the mess after the birth at home either Grin.

Original poster
TheCatsMeow · 09/01/2016 20:56

My instant reaction whenever I hear of a new arrival is not joy, but relief.

That is how I feel too. I won't be going term either. It has been suggested there is a mechanical problem with me and that I will need cesareans (I had one this time but labour had started and failed), and that the problem means the longer I stay pregnant the higher the risk.

I'm so sorry for what happened Flowers

OP posts:
FourForYouGlenCoco · 09/01/2016 20:57

YANBU that your own, horrible experience has coloured your views and opinions. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Agree that a debrief might be a very good idea - it will either explain some of why things happen the way they did which can be very healing/reassuring, or in your case it sounds like it might bring some failings to light on the part of the professionals caring for you.

However, as you know and have been told, YABU to judge people for having a homebirths! Reasons why have been said enough times so I won't go over it all again, but it's a very very valid option for thousands (if not more) of women.
The important thing is that everyone has a choice.

slithytove · 09/01/2016 20:57

My first daughter died during labour.
I had my son in hospital - section
My second daughter was a vbac at home.

Yabu. Have you even researched it? What on earth makes you so arrogant as to think that people like me have put my baby at risk? I was doing the opposite in fact.

SoConfused15 · 09/01/2016 20:57

I had an HB with DC3 and had 1-2-1 care from a midwife throughout, and a second midwife who arrived just as the second stage started. I therefore think I was monitored more carefully then if I'd been in hospital and transfer time to hospital was only about 15 mins anyway. So I think the chances of a disastrous outcome were not any worse than on the labour ward.

ollieplimsoles · 09/01/2016 20:58

Interesting thread Flowers for you op I'm so sorry you had a scary time of it.

I had a home birth planned for my first baby back in october but I went over due and had to go in for monitoring. I had low fluid and had to be induced, it was everything I dreaded. Lots of home birth mums had made me a bit scared of the hospital...

However I had a fantastic birth, very natural and I felt very safe and looked after

MrsDeVere · 09/01/2016 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 09/01/2016 20:58

One of the reasons I had a homebirth with my youngest was because of the utterly horrendous hospital birth I had with one of the older ones. A cock up by a senior doctor led to more and more problems and now, 14 years later, I still suffer as a result of PTSD.

When I know of people who automatically book into our local consultant led hospital without looking into other alternatives, I wince. I want to tell them to look into the MWL unit down the road, to look at homebirth as an option, because I know of the damage a badly manage hospital birth can cause. But I dont, because it is their choice.

You feel how you feel because of your experiences, as do I, but YABU to try and influence others based on that, as would I.