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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to think woman in soft play was rude and unhelpful

287 replies

fassbendersmistress · 08/01/2016 16:45

Sorry...it's a bit long...(and about soft play to boot.

Put money in air hockey machine to play with DS (3) and Dsis. 4 boys, about 2/3 yrs older than DS came over and tried to grab the equipment. I said, in a really friendly way, we had paid our money and DS was playing. They hung around the table trying to grab the puck and demanding a turn, shouting it wasn't fair...I told them if they wanted to play they could go ask their mums. They kept reaching onto the table. I told them several times to be careful/watch their fingers etc...no drama, just a bit annoying but par for the course in soft play. So at one point when they all had their hands in front of Dsis trying to grab the puck, yet again holding up the game, I said to her just to play on and if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. Bear in mind they'd been asked very nicely many times to move hands and this was a VERY gentle game - puck travelling at snail pace! She was not about to smash it into their fingers.

At this point a woman appeared beside me and gave me a filthy look. She moved next to the boys who were still reaching and grabbing but didn't stop them, just continued to stare me out. So I asked her why the look. She told me I couldn't speak like that to the children. I explained I had only asked children politely to take their hands off the table (it would have been obvious to anyone watching they were really disrupting the game but we weren't actually making any big fuss about this). She told me that one of the boys had SN and that I was a disgrace. She said she wasn't his parent but that she knew him and I was totally out of order to say that Dsis should play on and that 'the boy could get his hands caught'. She just kept saying 'he has SN FGS'....that I had 'no idea'. This all took place over 5 minutes. At no point did any other adult approach the kids. She didn't attempt to get the parent of the child with SN. For what was left of our game, she stood by the table giving me filthy looks, allowing the children she apparently knew and at least one of whom was hers, to continue grabbing away. When the game finished outraged woman went and got a hug from her friend.

Now, I accept that I probably shouldn't have said the comment about them getting their fingers caught out loud...(it wasn't actually said to or overheard by any of the children)...but AIBU to think she totally overreacted to that? Common sense would have told her there was no actual threat to little fingers being deliberately bashed by an adult.

And AIBU to think that her telling me the child had SN made no difference to the situation because the whole time I continued to just talk to all the children in a friendly way. I was tolerating their behaviour the whole time just trying to manage it so DS could have something of a game. Knowing one of the children had SN wasn't going to change my approach of continue to tell them to stand back, let us play and watch their hands for the 5 mins or so the game lasted. Surely it's better to get the parent involved who knows their child and how to help them if they're in a disruptive situation?

OP posts:
ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 20:04

Have another read, 29redshoes. Did I say you posted that?

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 20:06

Ark the OP didn't draw any conclusions about children with SN. In fact, I'm struggling to recall any posters who did.

honking Who has no understanding? Confused

mistress It's a reminder that not everyone uses SN as an excuse.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/01/2016 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 20:10

Silly me, I forget to remind myself that the Internet is a competition, and of course a parent isn't as entitled to talk about SN if it's not as 'severe' as someone else's. And you can judge that from one blog post.

MistressMerryWeather · 08/01/2016 20:11

Very fucking few people use it as an excuse, actually.

honkinghaddock · 08/01/2016 20:13

If someone has a more severe disability then what she is saying won't work. She cannot apply what works with her child to all others.

Youarentkiddingme · 08/01/2016 20:13

Can I just say my son is autistic and I would say exactly the same to him "if you keep doing it you will get your fingers trapped/hurt" . I would have been supervising him because he is likely not to remove when asked (actually more likely move and do it again and again!)

He has to learn the same as everyone else if you don't follow rules you run the risk of getting hurt.

In fact my DS regularly hurts his own fingers playing air hockey because he insists on putting his hands down to stop the puc - but just because he doesn't learn quickly doand ant mean he shouldn't be taught.

29redshoes · 08/01/2016 20:14

alice I am not sure that article is entirely helpful. I do see where the author is coming from, but I think some of it is overly simplistic. I also think the example of the young woman off to college is a bit of an unfortunate one; it almost seems to suggest that anyone can achieve the same no matter their circumstances. Not to take anything away from her achievements, which are certainly impressive.

redbinneo · 08/01/2016 20:14

What was the SN?

honkinghaddock · 08/01/2016 20:15

It is clear her child doesn't have the understanding similar to an nt toddler.

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 20:15

It's not about the child who has an SN. It's about the adults round a child who say they have an SN.

Perhaps unwittingly, Op has tapped into the nasty side of MN. The side that gleefully dismisses behavioural differences and can't see why Those Children and Those Posters are allowed to puncture their little bubble of righteousness. Because, after all, there's no such thing as challenging behaviour, just Naughty Children, right?
How unfortunate that OP met a woman who exemplifies exactly that argument Sad

MistressMerryWeather · 08/01/2016 20:17

This isn't about competition, it's about how ignorant your posts are coming across.

My DS has HFA.

His SNs are completely different from Fanjos DD.

It would be utterly ridiculous for me to try and tell her how to parent her DD from my experiences.

Hence that blog is bullshit.

CrohnicallyAspie · 08/01/2016 20:18

honking So it would be ok for me to let my NT toddler do something like that, because they don't understand?

And before you say anything, I know my toddler has a greater capacity to learn, but in the meantime I have a duty to protect my toddler from harm (usually going anywhere near an air hockey table if you're not playing can be dangerous, if the puck flies off) and protect others from being too drastically inconvenienced.

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 20:18

But Ark where have people been like that on this thread? No one has answered that yet.
I sense you've been hurt by people like you mentioned, and I get it. Believe me, as the disabled parent of two children with SN, u absolutely fucking get it, but this thread was nothing like that. Yes, campaign for more SN awareness, acceptance, understanding etc - but why not do it when and where it's needed?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/01/2016 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

multivac · 08/01/2016 20:18

Or, perhaps, OP met someone she feels to have been a bit of a twit - and a rude one at that - at soft play, and, given that she is clearly quite a patient soul as a rule, just wanted to double check that her assessment was reasonable.

Lots of people agreed it probably was.

And then the straw...

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 20:19

I'm trying to tell fanjo how to parent her child? I missed that. Perhaps I should invoice.

LMonkey · 08/01/2016 20:19

Sounds likes a completely stupid bitch.

The fact that one of them had SN is completely irrelevant; the issue here is that no responsible adult was intervening and stopping the kids from doing wrong.

Rest assured yanbu, she was a total knob and we can only hope that one day she will realise it.

CrohnicallyAspie · 08/01/2016 20:20

Also, someone mentioned the possibility earlier, I have AS and would find other children interfering with a game like this distressing. Whose needs trump whose?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/01/2016 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 20:21

Sorry scarf the main sentiment I was meaning was in relation to not using SN as an excuse, after picking up a few posters in this thread who said it is an excuse.
I do agree with what you are saying.

MistressMerryWeather · 08/01/2016 20:22

I'm talking about the blog content.

Skullyton · 08/01/2016 20:22

my 9yo has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and severe dyspraxia.. and i agree with that article.

I also wouldn't leave my son unsupervised, nor would i allow him to upset anyone else... had it been my DS he would have been removed with me apologising to the OP profusely.

Its not about being 'super parent' its about parenting your disabled child appropriately in public.

The woman in the OP was being a cunt!

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 20:23

Ummmm, no Alice, I have not been hurt by people like that. I encounter them, on here and in rl, but they tend to make me sigh rather than be hurt, because they are just pig ignorant. More to be pitied than anything else. I kind of want to ask them "what's it like, being you? Bit hectic?"

multivac · 08/01/2016 20:24

sighs

...and now we're into bitchandcunt territory. How tedious.