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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to think woman in soft play was rude and unhelpful

287 replies

fassbendersmistress · 08/01/2016 16:45

Sorry...it's a bit long...(and about soft play to boot.

Put money in air hockey machine to play with DS (3) and Dsis. 4 boys, about 2/3 yrs older than DS came over and tried to grab the equipment. I said, in a really friendly way, we had paid our money and DS was playing. They hung around the table trying to grab the puck and demanding a turn, shouting it wasn't fair...I told them if they wanted to play they could go ask their mums. They kept reaching onto the table. I told them several times to be careful/watch their fingers etc...no drama, just a bit annoying but par for the course in soft play. So at one point when they all had their hands in front of Dsis trying to grab the puck, yet again holding up the game, I said to her just to play on and if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. Bear in mind they'd been asked very nicely many times to move hands and this was a VERY gentle game - puck travelling at snail pace! She was not about to smash it into their fingers.

At this point a woman appeared beside me and gave me a filthy look. She moved next to the boys who were still reaching and grabbing but didn't stop them, just continued to stare me out. So I asked her why the look. She told me I couldn't speak like that to the children. I explained I had only asked children politely to take their hands off the table (it would have been obvious to anyone watching they were really disrupting the game but we weren't actually making any big fuss about this). She told me that one of the boys had SN and that I was a disgrace. She said she wasn't his parent but that she knew him and I was totally out of order to say that Dsis should play on and that 'the boy could get his hands caught'. She just kept saying 'he has SN FGS'....that I had 'no idea'. This all took place over 5 minutes. At no point did any other adult approach the kids. She didn't attempt to get the parent of the child with SN. For what was left of our game, she stood by the table giving me filthy looks, allowing the children she apparently knew and at least one of whom was hers, to continue grabbing away. When the game finished outraged woman went and got a hug from her friend.

Now, I accept that I probably shouldn't have said the comment about them getting their fingers caught out loud...(it wasn't actually said to or overheard by any of the children)...but AIBU to think she totally overreacted to that? Common sense would have told her there was no actual threat to little fingers being deliberately bashed by an adult.

And AIBU to think that her telling me the child had SN made no difference to the situation because the whole time I continued to just talk to all the children in a friendly way. I was tolerating their behaviour the whole time just trying to manage it so DS could have something of a game. Knowing one of the children had SN wasn't going to change my approach of continue to tell them to stand back, let us play and watch their hands for the 5 mins or so the game lasted. Surely it's better to get the parent involved who knows their child and how to help them if they're in a disruptive situation?

OP posts:
Woodhill · 08/01/2016 21:24

To me not reading whole thread, the dc's parent should have taken responsibility for their offspring and not let them disrupt another families fun regardless of SN condition. I think the woman who glared at you should have butted out if they were not her dc and had a cheek trying to guilt trip you.

Woodhill · 08/01/2016 21:30

And yes to me it would have served them right if they had got their fingers caught. Ywnbu op, very patient. I think I would have told them to go away.

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:31

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp "You aren't 'superhuman'! hmm you are a parent same as we all are!"...... I hope you do know that parenting a SN child is EXTRA hard work.

honkinghaddock · 08/01/2016 21:34

I don't think many have thought the op was unreasonable. The objections have mainly been about other posts.

user7755 · 08/01/2016 21:42

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp "You aren't 'superhuman'! hmm you are a parent same as we all are!

Not superhuman, but it's definitely more challenging, exhausting, time consuming, soul destroying, uplifting, inspirational, heartbreaking than parenting a child without additional needs.

FWIW I think the parent should have intervened earlier but there seems to be a reluctance to understand the additional challenges facing kids with additional needs and their parents on this thread.

BrideOfWankenstein · 08/01/2016 21:42

I wonder was that the same woman who in a thread some months ago was saying to the op "he is autistic, don't you understand? Autistic!"
It happened in soft play too.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/01/2016 21:54

Sincere apologies to everyone - just got a message from MN

Was not having a dig at SN , or people that have to experience the sheer hell of getting help and assistance -

Just at the lengthy post invoking it - and the inevitable rat fight it incurs

So sorry / I was on another thread and was so upset for the mother and the shit she received - so mortified if anyone thought I was being spiteful - so not the intention

Waltermittythesequel · 08/01/2016 21:56

Obviously you don't want to think any deeper into it then

Sorry, I know this was pages ago but are you seriously expecting people to sit and chin stroke about what may possibly have been going through the mind of the confrontational woman who was aggressive to OP while her NT child acted up?

Really?

Of course there's no fucking point!

bialystockandbloom · 08/01/2016 22:04

yes, I agree, the reactions from many posters isn't to the op but to the leaping onto the "SN isn't an excuse" wagon.

Take away the SN aspect and you have a pretty minor incident where some annoying kids ruined another kids game and their parent didn't do much about it. Thread would've prob got about 10 replies of "other parent was rude" and that would've been the end of it.

Instead, chuck in the SN element and it kicks off because that's the thing people jump on.

that is why I posted what I did in my first post.

alice it's clear you hate the word "excuse" and also clear you prob include me in your list. I'd like to explain that I also do everything, all the time, every minute of every day, to help and teach my ds the rules of society (actually in exactly the way that blog author does). My ds is hf enough to be able to learn and apply some things, and where he doesn't, I'm there to intervene. I try not to allow my ds to do anything to hurt or upset anyone else, ever, and it very rarely happens, but if he does, knowing him as I do, I know it's because he has misread the situation, not because he's a badly behaved little brat. (Except tonight when he was bordering on aggression with dd and I read him the riot act!)

Point is, I know what difficulties his ASD brings, and how it is behind his behaviour at times - eg if he upset another child through what I knew was due to his asd (eg saying something blunt or personal) I would never say to the parents of the child he upset that they have no right/reason to be upset, but I would explain that it's because of his ASD. In that sense it is an excuse. Or reason. Whichever you want to call it.

But I would never ever ever judge another parent for doing it differently, or doing what's best for them and their child. Also I would give another parent of a Child with SN extra slack if he/she was once a bit more arsey than usual, as I'm sure you know, it gets pretty fucking tiring sometimes.

DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 23:28

Of course there's no fucking point!

Of course not. Just call her a cow then. That obviously works. For you.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 09/01/2016 01:12

Wow OP bet you are so regretting starting this thread, here have a Cake
We all have different opinions of what was right or wrong. I don't believe anyone set out to upset any parents who have children with SN or belittle how hard it must be.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:13

Ark and bialystock I agree with every word you have posted 100% Thanks

Dollymixtureyumyum · 09/01/2016 01:14

Also I bet if the women had just explained the lad had SN rather then ranting about it and causing a scene the OP would have been much more understanding

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:22

Yes..if you mention SN you must do it in a particular sort of cap doffing Uriah Heepesque manner while bowing head and being very respectful no matter how stressed you are.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:33

Obviously politeness is best in all situations..

But really this whole thread is goady and sanctimonious to the max.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:37

And FWIW my DD is known for having exceptionally good behaviour for someone with her level of needs. People and school often remark on it. It's taken hours and hours of endless work.

My posts on this thread all still stand. I may have worded them differently had i bren less tired/ill right now but all the myriad posts about me letting my DD do what she wants are so far from the truth.

Just appalled by the attitudes on this thread. But not surprised.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:42

People need to think about how other people's lives might be..people whose kids probably can't even play a game..and realise that obdurate refusal to let a minor game be interrupted or apply any understanding, unless people who are probably living a harder life the they can imagine act in a 100% perfect way..is totally entitled and insensitive.

And particular shame on you Alice for actually living it but still implying that I might be living it too (maybe even harder) and yet just blithely allowing my DD to do what she wants as SN is an excuse. You should know better.

And that is all. Wanted to say my piece after a sleep.

Ideally people will think about it and not just launch into a mass flaming but not that bothered if they do.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:42

Yes a couple of hours nap counts as a sleep in this house. Think about it.

LucyBabs · 09/01/2016 01:43

I really can't read the goady or sanctimonious posts Confused

Surely if you know your Sn or Nt child has form for either not listening, not understanding, disruptive behaviour.. They shouldn't be left to their own devices?

My ds is NT he's four and we're still in the terrible twos stage some days. I know I need to be extra vigilant in certain situations as he can kick off. What exactly is wrong with expecting a parent of a child with SN to do the same?

I would certainly make more allowances for a child with SN but I would expect their parent to be on the ball

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:48

Well clearly you have no idea how much more challenging it is to be a parent of a child with SN.

Not your fault if you haven't lived it 24/7

Sometimes it's not possible to be perfect and on the ball when at your limits.

Still I suppose you can't understand until you live it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:49

And that is why I am not going to waste my time with this thread any.more.

Don't feel like banging head on a brick wall with people who just won't get it. Done that enough on here.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 01:55

I mean the mums friend gave her a hug and some people interpreted it as some smug gloating action. So fighting a losing battle expecting understanding on this one.

LucyBabs · 09/01/2016 02:01

I'm far from a perfect parent fanjo believe me! I'm not so sure I'd cope very well if my child had additional needs.
The point I was making was, I know my ds hates to share, doesn't like to be in a large group, doesn't like loud noises and can act out if put in these situations. I shadow him if he is put in an environment he doesn't cope well with because I know he'll act out. No I can't be there for everything especially when I'm having a bad day but I try my best as I'm sure you do too Flowers

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 02:11

Lucy you sound like a nice understanding person even if not dealing with exactly the same challenges and that's all the world needs Thanks

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 02:14

I guess it's a matter of imagining every day being a bad day and all his challenges being magnified a hundredfold with a lot of extra added, and probably little sleep and relationship pressures, school pressures, societal pressures and then people expecting you to continually act in a perfect way.